*phew* what a weekend.

This is possibly going to sound really harsh, but I love my weekends without the girls. I equally love my weekends WITH the girls for different reasons don't get me wrong... but it's nice to have 'me' time and recharge the batteries.

Hmm.. maybe recharge the batteries is a bad choice of phrase.. as I'm usually out on friday and saturday nights til late enjoying time with my friends, and recently because I've been so skint and saving every penny for a car I have had to take my dad's car back to him early in the morning.. so no lie ins either. But it's all good. In total this weekend I have spent £1.59. lol The benefits of driving and not drinking :D No hangover.... physically OR financially. lol

Financially I'm all good. After my minor (ok major) moan the other day I actually realised that my child support had gone in late, so all was well in the end and I managed to save some extra money towards my car fund. I also managed to adjust my budget to save some MORE spare cash. Tonight I have my ebay winner collecting my old bass guitar for another £50.. one of my friends Fee has bought a full tin of paint off me for £10, so that's gone in the car fund..

So at the moment it currently stands at...
*drumroll*

£530.34 in the bank
£10 from Fee
£50 from my bass buyer
£92.52 CAB expenses which I should get the cheque for in the coming week.
= £682.86

Woohoo :D

Today I also put 6 items on to go in this weeks local paper ater having a massive sort out of the girls' room, so that should be about another £60 if they all sell. My dad has also promised to give me another £100 on wednesday, but I don't hold my breath with any of his promises, so it's always a bonus if he does come good :)

Planning on also having a big sort out of my room, and also my store room. I can almost guarantee there will be sellable things in the store room. It's piled high with crap that I just have nowhere else to store them.

Also yesterday I opened a savings account and set up a Direct debit to put £10 a week in it. Almost a forced savings plan :D It's higher interest and not directly linked to my current account so will be much better to prevent me frittering money away. :D

All in all a very successful weekened.. full of fun but still making actual progress with the car fund too.

It's nice to have a target to work towards... I'm going to be sooooooo thrilled when I finally get there after all this hard work. It's been tough but it's slowly but surely paying off :D

Good times :)

Who'd want an easy life...

ME that's who.

Ok.. I will warn you this may turn into another self indulgent rant, in which case I whole heartily apologise. But I'm fairly sure that my friends and loved ones are sick to death of hearing about it.. so I thought I'd rant on here instead. Sorted.

As is well documented, I'm currently in a shite situation with regard to money. If I'm honest I'm just scraping by at the minute alright. I can pay my bills, I'm not in arrears with anything, meeting my commitments and generally managing to have an alright life really all things considering. But things are tight. Very tight. Mainly, admittedly, because I am trying my damned hardest to save every spare penny towards a car. Ok, ok... so this hardship is possibly fairly majorly self induced. At the moment, literally EVERY spare penny is going towards my car fund. This has meant I've sacrificed pretty much all of my spending money other than essentials and very very veeery occasion small treats... like my usual Mcdonalds breakfast before work. But even that is going to have to go now for reasons I'll explain in a bit.

But... I'm happy to say it's slowly but surely paying off. Car savings currently stand at..

£360.58 in the bank
£51.01 to come from an ebay sale (end of the week hopefully)
£92.52 work expenses (should get the cheque in the next week)
£46.58 transferring over from paypal as we speak, should clear by end of the week..
= £550.69

:D

But... I have a small problem. My previous budgets that I'd worked out to be able to save as much as I have over the past couple of weeks have not included one minor detail. The fact that I have the majority of my household bills going on at the beginning on September. *sigh*

If I can get past this coming week I'll be ok. Just about anyway. I just need to get to next friday. God this sucks. I have approximately £120 worth of bills going out before then. And guess how much income I have.. £150. Joy. So I have to go... *counts* 10 days, on £30. That's £3 a day. ooooooooooh fun! Considering I can easily spent £30 on a night out... and half that on ONE trip to the cinema... I'm going to be spending bugger all on anything for me. Food and the girls come first and it's tight as it is so it's going to have to be a case of I go without. Simple as.

Until next tuesday I actually don't have any spare money at all. I'm actually about 40p in debt to my savings at the moment because I had to but some essential food earlier. So I'm fairly screwed in that sense if anything comes up.


*Sar listens to the faint murmuring in the background...*

Yea. I know. I know exactly what you're thinking.

"Why the hell doesn't she use her savings?"

Well... simple (although maybe illogical) reason really. I don't want to. I have worked my ass off scrimping and saving to get the money that I have saved. It's been really, really really hard and to have as much as I do has been a massive achievement for me personally. I know it's not much by anyone's standards but it's a lot to me. Having nothing makes you value what you do have even more. If I use my savings now, it'll easily be frittered away, with a 'promise' to replace it....

I don't want that. I NEED a car. It's the only way I'm going to be able to drive (pun unintended) myself forward and get out of this rut. To give in now and use my savings will just put me further back. And god knows it's been difficult enough as it is. I'm not giving in now. Not now I've finally started making some headway.

Please don't get me wrong. If I need to, I will. But, if I can manage on what I have for the time being til things get better then that's what I'm going to do. I'm not giving up when I've come this far.

It's been really difficult up to now. So what's a little bit longer?

The Birth Stories of my girls.

When both my girls were born I posted 'Birth Stories' on a website called Babyworld.co.uk which I used at the time... I found them today.. and thought I would blog them :)

Ashli

"Little one's EDD was 7th March 2005, of course it came and went, and little one decided to be a fashionably late, 10 days over. We went in at 8.30am on Thursday 17th March (St patricks day of all days..) to be induced at Stafford General Hospital. We were checked over on arrival and a trace done of Ashli which showed everything was fine. I'd been having period type pains all morning and hadn't thought anything of them and just put them down to eating something bad, but the trace showed that it looked like they were early labour contractions so I was given an internal to see what was happening. Turned out that I was already 2-3cms dilated which amazed me as I'd only been feeling the pains since I woke up that morning! So anyway, they decided I didn't need the pitocin gel to start things off as they'd already started, and so opted to break my waters instead.

I was taken down to delivery suite and they were broken in quite spectacular fashion at 1.10 pm. Let's just say that a tidal wave had nothing on me and even the midwife had to dodge the torrent of water that came out..lol. If I remember right she described it as 'fishing boots time' lol. I was suprised how much there was and that it didn't seem to want to stop!
I was monitored for the rest of the afternoon til 5, by which point the contractions were getting quite bad but weren't regular, so I was having gas and air which made me temporarily insane and laugh for about 15 mins straight. (at the end me and Steve were both sat on the bed with tears streaming down our faces it was that funny..).

At 5ish I had another internal to check things and I was only 'a good 3 cms' dilated, so it was decided that they'd hook me up to a oxytocin drips to get things moving properly and having that put it was actually more brutal than the contractions I was feeling! Apparently I have 'bendy' veins??

The pain was getting bad and things were starting to get worse very quickly so I asked for an epidural only to be told I couldn't have one for another hours or so due to staffing so I had to have some pethidine, which didn't do much apart from make me a zombie inbetween. When the epidural finally arrived I was in so much agony I just wanted it to be all over. I think I had the epidural about 9/10 oclock. I can't remember that well as my mind was pretty blurred from the pain and I don't remember much from about 7 oclock because things were happening so quickly.

TO cut a long story short my labour was recorded as being 4 and a bit hours with Ashli being born after 26 mins of pushing at 23.51. I had gas and air, pethidine and an epidural, all of which did bugger all when things starting progressing because it was all happening so quickly. I didn't tear (amazingly as her head was 37cms! and she was 8lbs 4!) but I did have one stitch for a 'nick' in the vaginal wall. I bled quite a lot and had to have an extra injection to stop the bleeding, but everythings fine now.

The labour was horrific and I've never know so much pain. I turned into something out of the evil dead, screaming and shouting, saying I couldn't so it and I wanted to go home (What exactly was I going to do when I got there???) but in the end it's all worth it. Feeling Ashli come out was a bizarre experience but I'd go through it all again because she's just so perfect.


Next time I'll just make sure I ask for the damn epidural as soon as I get there.

It sounds cheesy but I really couldn't have done it without Steve. I literally had no control because of the pain and without him I probably wouldn't have handled it as well. He was my rock and the only one I could rely on. His support played a huge part in it and I'm so glad he was there. I don't know what I would've done without him. "




Kaitlyn -

"On Sunday 28th January I was woken at 5 am by regular strong braxton hicks. I'd also been having them every 10 mins the evening before so was convinced 'this was it'. Imagine my disappointment when at 7am they all stopped completely!!! Monday morning (29th jan) I was woken at 5am with exactly the same thing, except this time accompanied by strong period pains. They gradually went to 10 mins apart and we were so convinced it was proper labour Steve stayed off work and we called MIL and SIL to put them on red alert.
9am came..and they stopped again! Argh! Called my midwife who told me to go for a walk to see if they'd start again and that she'd come see me later to check out if anything was happening.
Got back from my walk at 10.50 to find the contractions had returned and were 20 mins apart. When the midwife showed up at 12ish they were 10 mins apart and she said to go for another walk and call the hospital if they carried on every 10 mins.
So we slapped on my tens machine, took 2 paracetamol and went down the village to get some lunch and when we got back at 2.45 the contractions were 6 mins apart, and with every one they were coming closer and closer until we called the hospital at 3 and they were 3 mins apart. They said to go in if I felt I needed more pain relief and I'm glad we did! SIL arrived at 3.25 to take us to hospital and the contractions were 2 mins apart. Got to the hospital at 4 and was booked in and checked out and everything was fine.
Was examined around 5.20 and found to be 7cm dilated so they broke my waters and I started gas and air as it was too late for anything else.From then on everything happened very quickly and they contractions were soon back to back and I felt an incredibly pressure and urge to push. At this point I was trembling terribly and sobbing uncontrolably as our wedding first dance song came on the cd player and I was inconsolable sayign I couldn't do it/screaming etc etc as the pain was unbearable as I was only on gas and air.
Kaitlyn was born at 6.02 after 20 mins of pushing (official labour time was 2 3/4 hours.) weighing 8lb 2 and 52cm long using just gas and air. No stitches and no problems and she had 2 good breastfeeds soon after so we were allowed to go home at 8.45. Kaitlyn's beautiful and I think I'm still in shock from the sheer speed of everything and I couldn't have done it without Steve, he really was my rock and I wouldn't have made it through sane without him.
Feeling exhausted but glad it's over and we've finally got our baby Kaitlyn! We won't be doing that again in a hurry though! Feeling very sore but very very happy.

Here's a pic, should be interesting introducing her to big sister Ashli tomorrow who is currently in bed none the wiser to the new arrival!!!"



[Funny how things work out.... oh well.. marriages come and go, but kids are forever! - Sar]

Much weirdness

Tonight is a new moon, so I did some 'new moon prayers'. Although I previously blogged about my beliefs and me being wiccan/pagan, I don't think I've even actually mentioned anything about my rituals. I could be wrong, my head's a bit mong at the mo for some reason. I often get weird feelings and things during rituals. It's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't actually felt it or thinks it's all a pile of new agey crap. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is 'zoning out'. I go into a bit of a blur, can't focus on sounds or images, I just kind of, it sounds crazy but, go into myself and it's not like I'm in my body anymore, like I'm floating just outside it. That's the best way I can describe it. When I get like that I tend to see, hear or feel things. Sometimes they're obvious sometimes they're not.

Tonight was no exception, although for some reason tonight was stranger than usual. I did my usual prayers and incantations, but then my chest went tight and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I carried on, but I went really really spaced out very quickly. Usually at this point I would see/hear and feel things and it usually takes a little while to get to that point, but this time was literally 10 mins i that. Then I saw a motorcycle. Just a random image that flashed up. But then nothing. I felt weird and I can't pinpoint how it felt or why, but I had a deep down feeling of something being different. Like something changed or was about to change but I have no idea what. Then I said aloud ''Is there anything you want me to see?'' and a horseshoe flashed up. I've seen a horseshoe before, the last time being on the 30th April according to my ritual book. Oddly enough, I just checked and the 30th April was also a thursday. I'd seen a fair few other things that ritual. Including hearing something that I've yet to figure out yet. "A tree grows up from the roots and down from the branches". I just wish I could figure out what it means. I remember at the time googling it and finding something but I can't remember what or whether it was relevant in the end. Will have to have another google I think. Or keep an eye out or anything that might help it make sense.

Anyway, I'm rambling..

I did my prayers asking for an end to my money worries and help to get a car, and for my boyfriend to get better (he's not been well)... and all throughout it felt like I wasn't in myself, it's very weird to explain. I was talking, but it was like I wasn't in my own body like I said earlier, and I felt like I was swaying from side to side even though I wasn't. Was very strange and although I get similar sometimes I don't get it to that degree.

Hmmmm interesting. Now I'm just mulling over everything. I feel fine now. Just tired (fairly standard after prayers) so think I'm going to have an early night. Maybe my dreams will reveal more..

Flashbacks

Wandering round an empty house, we looked over the objects and furniture within. These weren't just bog standard objects or bits of tat. They were memories, they had meanings and sentimentality. These things belonged to someone, so how can you just walk in and take them?

''Oh yes I'll have that table over there, that'll go lovely with my decor..''

Literally weeks earlier that table was being used by it's owner, possibly securely holding up a half full coffee cup, eavesdropping in on the cheerful banter as per normal... years of use and purpose... years of belonging and being taken for granted. Now reverted to just a 'thing' that'll do. It'll suffice... it isn't ugly, so ''Yea, I'll 'av that''.
If that table were alive and capable of emotion, it would be quietly sobbing where it stood. For this heartless new owner... pfft... what do they know. They don't care. They just want to lump their sweaty feet on it and abuse it. A mere 'thing'.. and another factor in the circle of life easily overlooked.

Today I was taken to my dad's ex-wife's house. In the past few weeks she has been taken permanently into a care home. She's lacking mental capability enough to look after herself, and they had no option but to put her into care and rent out her, now empty and unwillingly abandoned house. However renting out the house involved it being rented unfurnished, and with that, clearing out all of her belongings.

So my dad took me along. "you might find something you need for your house!" he said. So begrudgingly I agreed. I never knew her properly. I'd maybe spoken to her once or twice, never in great detail. She was my mum's predecessor. The love my dad had before he met my mum. To me she was like a rival, oddly. She was the 'other woman' in my dad's life. I didn't have any problem with her. I just... found it strange I suppose. I agreed to go as otherwise the stuff would end up in some 'man with a van' house clearance place, and I thought it better that things go to 'family' rather than some two bit white van man. So off we went to pick out anything we might want.

We arrived and I had a shock to see my sister was there, and my niece. Who I haven't seen in god knows how many years. I've never been close to my family. At all. I've always kept myself to myself and seeing as my family are spread as far and wide as Seattle and Germany it's hard to stay in contact. My sister lives in Derby so it made sense for her to be in change of sorting out her mum's belongings. I should explain that I have 3 brothers and a sister. My sister and one of my brothers are from my dad's marriage to his ex wife. My other 2 brothers are from my mum's marriage to her exhusband. Still with me? I'm the only devilspawn of my mum and my dad. But they have other children. So I suppose that would make my siblings half brothers and sisters really, but what's in a name? They may as well be strangers really. I never speak to them.

When I walked in I was really taken aback. My sister looked, just, empty I suppose. My immediate thought is that I must've looked similar when I was doing the same for my mum. And with that thought I started to think about my mum, and how I had been in my sister's shoes just under 4 years ago. Clearing out her mum's belongings and trying to keep yourself together while the rest of your world is falling apart. I mumbled a brief "Y'alright?" before concentrating my efforts on controlling the 3 children we had in tow with us. We wandered around the house. And all I could think about is the things this house and all these possessions had seen, and just how tragic it all was. Merely weeks ago she was at home, trying to carry on with life as best as she could with her failing health and mental state.
I walked around the house in a kind of blur. It was almost like walking through a memorial. Bed sheets untouched as they'd been she she left, half drunk bottles of wine on the side, DVD's by the tv lazily not returned to their boxes... it was almost as if she'd just popped out to the shops. Nothing apart from the gloomy atmosphere between the adults in the house suggested that this wasn't someones home anymore, and that she'd never be coming back.

It was far too easy to put myself back 4 years. Doing exactly the same walking round my mum's house. Picking up objects with tears in my eyes remembering fragments of memories and bleary flashbacks to happier times. It's just so heartless and cruel, to pick up an object and decide whether it's worthy of surviving the cull. I could've taken everything from my mum's. But I'd never have had the room. So having to go through wave after wave of memory and decide what to take and what to clear out was agonising. All the time you're having to deal with the grief of your loss, and the memories making everything a million times harder, as well as the guilt of having to get rid of things that you know your mum cherished and took pride in, and built the foundations for her life on. And there you were, just chucking them into a bin bag because they didn't fit the 'suitability criteria'...

When I left my dad's ex-wife's house I couldn't even look at my sister. Or anyone for that matter. I just felt numb. I just kept seeing my mum, and the empty shell of a house that I left after I'd had to clear out her house.

The circle of life is a bitch. A cruel, heartless, unmerciful bitch.

A confession.

Wow... so my intention WAS to blog about my 'grand financial plan' but seeing as that was about a week ago it seems that I've been a touch busy! I've been working hard taking on my first debt case at work which is very exciting, and also having a busy social life since I last wrote.. it's nice to be busy. I really enjoy it. Considering I have spent the past.... *count* 4 years, basically, as a stay at home mum, being 'work busy' is a welcome change and I revel in it. I'm no good as a stay at home mum. I NEED adult contact. I need conversation. I need stimulation (fnaaaaaaaaar...!) and more than anything I need a 'me' life. I am not just 'mum' and when I start to feel like that I get very depressed and angsty. When it comes down to it?

I hate being a stay at home mum.

There, I said it. I just can't do it. I know a few people who are stay at home mums and they are amazing at it. They take the ups and the downs, not neccesarily with a smile but always with utter devotion to the 'stay at home mum cause'. I have SO much respect for people like that. I find it astonishing that people can essentially sacrifice a part of themselves and become 'mum' 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

But I just can't do it. Please don't get me wrong, I love my children beyond words, I would do anything for them. But that's exactly the reason I HAVE been a stay at home mum. If it were up to me I'd be at work full time now. I did it for them. They were my driving force and the reason I have sacrificed so much. It comes with the territory when you're a mother. It's unquestionable. Infallable.

I have no regrets of anything up to now. My children are 2 and 4, and I have given them the best start in life that I could possibly could. It's not been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and there's plenty I'd change if I could. But I don't think I've done too badly up to now. I'll make up the sacrifices to them one day. But for the moment they're happy, healthy, and (generally) loving well rounded kids. I like to think I've done an ok job, albeit not perfect.

Not they're older I'm trying to reclaim 'me'. I've been working hard towards a career and financial stability, as well as a life for myself away from the 'mum' tag. And so far it's going pretty well.. I have some wonderful friends, the best social life I've had for years and am in a much much better position that I have been. Things are still hard, especially where money is concerned, but on the whole life is good. Earlier in the year I put together a plan for coming year. I wish I could find it, but I'm fairly sure I'd be able to tick a fair few things off now. :) Sometimes I really don't think about how lucky I am, and only focus on the difficulties. Admittedly it's hard not to when life has a penchant for biting you in the ass, as this year has proven.

One of the positives to report is that, by the end of August (Bar any nasty suprises.. I may be optimistic, but I'm not unrealistic..) I'll have £415 saved towards a car minimum. I have put some items on ebay, so we shall see if that brings in any extra, but so long as I stick to my budget I'll have £415 towards my freedommobile. It's not much.. and it's a long hard slog... but even the smallest steps get you where you're going eventually.

Whatever happens I'm proud of myself for managing as I have been. When you're faced with so much adversity sometimes you need to sit back and be thankful for the little achievements, no matter how small, and to remember that even the little changes add up to a big change eventually. And patience is a virtue.

Better be anyway... else I'll be rather cheesed off!

;)

More frugal than a frugal thing..

Gah. I hate money. Or should I say, I hate LACK of money. For years now I have been forced to live my life counting every penny and sacrficing most treats and things, either for the girls, or to repay debt, or just generally because money is tight. It's shit and makes life really hard.
I budget, I count LITERALLY every penny, I can tell you, to the nearest £1, how much my monthly bills are, and I hate it. But at the moment I'm caught in a complete catch 22.

I haven't got a car.
The work I do requires a car to cover local outreaches and get to our main office a good 17 miles away.
Because I haven't got a car I can't take on more hours at work.
Because I can't take on more hours at work I can't afford to buy a car....

and so the cycle continues.. and it sucks. Fairly officially.

I want nothing more than to go to work more. Ideally I want to do between 16 and 25 hours to fit around my eldet starting school, this will enable me to get off benefits completely, regain my feeling of self worth and self sufficiency, and because of the nature of the job I do (and it's rather nice salary) it would allow me to get rid of 'frugal' and be able to relax financially.

But... I can't.

BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD A FECKING CAR......

*sigh*

I try my hardest to save. I REALLY do. But considering I'm living off benefits, and have a large nursery bill to pay in full to be able to work as much as I do, I'm fairly screwed.

So at the moment I'm making a conscious effort to save every spare penny. I've trawled the house looking for sellable items, but because in my old debt busting days I regularly sold life and limb to claw every spare penny to repay debt, and my exhusband took a fair bit with him when he left, I have hardly anything of value.

So in a house wide search of saleable items I found...

My engagement ring..(Pfft, THAT can definately go..)
A faulty 'Guitar Hero: World Tour' Drum kit.
2 bin bags of the girls' old clothes.
An old bass guitar that I no longer use.

Approximate value if it all sells for asking price?.. £395

The adverts went into a local paper today, and so far the girls's clothes have gone. Netting me a nice £15 towards cardom.

Add that to the £40 I had in cash saved and also expenses from work to come of about £70ish... that's... £125.

Not much but it's a start. As I speak I am formulating a *plan*. A plan to save the money and get me out of this viscious cycle. Will update later...

The past has a nasty set of teeth

The past has a nasty habit of coming back and biting people on the ass.

In my experience, when it does, it usually always ends badly and makes for prime ‘I told you so’ territory. The trouble is, people are naïve. “If I ignore it, it’ll all go away!” So they brush it under the carpet and lo and behold it vanishes, for a few weeks, months…. And each day that goes by stirs a little celebratory voice inside going ‘’Yeeea I got away with it..’’

But you haven’t.

That bomb is still very much ticking and is ready to blow, and is just missing the vital ingredient to make it explode.

I have never known any kind of lie, or deceit or secret, stay hidden for longer than 6 months. 6 months is the metaphorical fuse on the bomb in my world… so you’ve got 6 months to run like hell and get as far away as possible because when that sucker blows it’s taking you and everything you know out with it.

And it’s going to be you picking up the pieces. Sorry, but it’s true.

I’ve never understood why people feel the need to hide things they know damn well could pretty much demolish people or things they care about. I am the ONE PERSON out there who thinks that being straight up front and honest with people from the offset saves a lot of heartache down the line? I’m always brutally honest. I tell people how I feel if need be even if they may not like it. How else can stuff get sorted and you not spend god knows how long paranoid and not giving your all to something because you’re too worried about x,y and z coming out?

My advice? Be honest. The truth may hurt, but it’ll be a LOT less painful that if it comes out 6 months down the line and it’s proven that you’ve lied all that time.

Common sense? I think so…. Feel free to ignore me should you wish…. But don’t say I didn’t warn you…

… and expect to hear the phrase, “ I told you so.”

The birth of Emotard

I’ve just realised I’ve never actually explained the significance of ‘’Emotard’’ or indeed which I now affectionately call myself it…

“Emotard”
Definition- A combination of “Emotional” and “Retard”, may or may not bare relevance to the “Emo” style genre of the early 2000’s. Generally characterised by over emotion, sentimentality and general extreme displays of feelings and fuckwittedness.

I R Emotard. *waves*

I’ve always been the same, I don’t DO normal feelings, I go to the next level with them. ESPECIALLY when it comes to negative emotions like sadness. I don’t just mope.. I mope BIG STYLE. I don’t just fall for someone, I fall HARD. And When I get hurt? I hurt bad. Which is where my ‘title’ was born. Over the past year I got hurt, and I suffered for a looooooooooong long time. A ridiculously long time. Granted it wasn’t really my fault as there were other things which dragged it out, but when push came to shove I couldn’t let go and after the ‘final time’ (I’ll explain all about this another time, sorry if it doesn’t make sense at the moment..) it took me a long time before I could even feel that putting my heart on the line again was worth the risk. A new version of Emotard was born, cynical, untrusting, hurt, cold and who expected to have her heart ripped to shreds again if she put it on the line. That ‘last time’ was March, and I can say that it took until at LEAST the end of June to be able to say “Yea, it’s worth the risk” again. It’s now August and I’m glad I ‘took the plunge’ back into the world of love again, as it’s paying off. I’m still fully expecting to get hurt again, but that’s part of the inevitable cynicism I’m developed from being fucked over so many times. It’s unavoidable. But at least now I’m willing to give it a chance again. The benefit of hurting so bad and so intensely is that it gets it out of your system quicker in the most cases. Unless history repeats itself, THAT’S when you get fucked over… *rolls eyes @ the memory*

I also cry. A lot. Although thankfully not as much recently as I have done in a while. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m embarrassed, I cry when I’m stressed, I cry when I’m angry and I cry when I’m hurt. I don’t, however, cry when I’m bored, now that really WOULD be retarded.

I guess you could just say I’m very very empathic, and very in tune with my own emotions, and not afraid of showing them. Nothing wrong with that… but crying in public is just downright embarrassing.. lol

I wouldn’t change me though, being an Emotard is part of who I am, even if people do think I go to extremes sometimes. I just FEEL things. It also crosses over into my spirituality too and I’m more open to feeling things and sensing things, even if a few people do think I’m crazy, or a hapless victim of my own imagination. I believe what I believe, I feel what I feel, and feck ye if you don’t like it. :)

Stop knocking on death's door mummy, we want Dora on!

7am...

''Muuuuuummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..... muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy''

*Sar opens her bleary, aching eyes, and blinded by the sun which sends searing pain through her head, stumbles half concious to her daughters' room...*

''Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?''

''I want Dora on.....''

*Sar struggles with the stair gate, her aching joints shooting needle like pains through her limbs with every movement.... she hobbles over to the tv and puts Dora on for her ever so beloved children...''

''D-D-D-D-DOOOOORA!!! D-D-D-D-D-DOOOOOORA!!!! DOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOORA THE EXPLOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!....''

*Each syllable of the hell that is Nickolodeon's finest export echoes around her head with the force of Hurricane Andrew, tearing down her immune system like a picket fence, and leaving what small amount of sanity she had left, a scattered field of primary coloured and educational debris....*

*Sar staggers across the hall, the creak of the floorboards tearing at her ears and collapses into bed, muttering faint prays to whatever the hell god is responsible for easing the pain of swine flu.. *

''............ muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy.....''


Welcome to the world of single parenthood. When you're a single parent, you are simply BANNED from being ill.

Ever. At all.

Never.

Cold? Awww shame... where's my breakfast..

Appendicitis? That much hurt! Change my nappy!

Swine flu? Oooh piggy! I'm going to have a tantrum now!

Dying? Not before you put a movie on for me.. THEN you can die..

No matter how ill you are, no matter how grave your circumstances or how rough you feel. Life HAS to go on. You can't just forgo any duties around the house or to look after them, even if the only thing that'll help you get better is 24 hour bed rest....
Yea. good LUCK. In 24 SECONDS they'll have destroyed the house, set themselves on fire, defurred the cat and eaten the entire contents of the fridge/freezer, frozen/consumable or not..

If you think about it seriously it's quite scary. There has been a few times since my exhusband and I seperated, where I have been so ill I've been on the verge of being physically unable to look after the girls, but I've had to struggle on... food poisoning was one where I demanded that my ex have time off work and had the girls for the morning as I had been up for 36 hours and spend 12 of those vomiting violently.. but that was back when we were still on speaking terms, presumably because he thought there was some hope of us getting back together.
Another time was when my health really suffered because of the hell and upset of the whole 'best friend romantic involvement' incident. In the end the stress and I guess mild depression affected my health and I became really ill, could hardly breath, had chest pains, palpitations, could hardly stand without needing to lie down.. but I had to carry on regardless. In the end after a few weeks I got better and all was well.. but at the time it was horrendous.
The most recent time being this bloody swine flu.

Still quite scary to think about... even if I keeled over seriously ill.... and I needed to go to hospital and was literally at death's door.. I'd STILL have to sort the girls out even before that.... now that's a chilling thought.... :\

An ode to swine flu in song..

*cough* oink *cough*

Emotard officially becomes a UK swine flu pandemic statistic... yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
*cough*

Yesterday I woke up with a slight cough, so presumed that either
A)Being in a room full of smokers the night before had wreaked havoc on my respiratory system
or
B) I had a cold coming.

By midday I was starting to feel really awful, blinding headache, deep chesty cough, aches and pains, COMPLETE loss of appetite and general lethargy, however I still went to meet the fella for lunch. He seemed to be quickly going down the same slippery slope of health I'd been going down, and had similar symptoms. Didn't think anything of it at the time, but come early afternoon I was pretty much confined to lying on the sofa or bed, feeling weak, sensitive to light and with a gradually worsening cough and headache. Other than getting up to see to the girls I don't think I moved at all. It hurt too much!
The fella an I had been joking about it being swine flu and out of interest I googled the symptoms and eventually came across the Flu Pandemic website which said that

''Congratulations! You have swine flu, and your prize is a special one off code to take to a special collection point to claim your prize... a course of Tamiflu!!''

*rolls eyes*

by 6pm I was pretty much unable to get off the sofa without serious amounts of pain, and when I was up, I had to walk around with my eyes closed because the light was agony to my head. Once I'd put the girls to bed I set up basecamp on the sofa, and kept drifting in and out of dozy consciousness until I was woken by my boyfriend who'd text me as he was worried he'd not heard from me in maybe 1-2 hours. After that I just slobbed, avoiding the light and any major movements until I could summon up the energy to go to bed about 10pm.

Armed with water, paracetamol I stumbled up to bed.. numb and very much looking forward to collapsing into bed. Little did I know I'd end up with around about an hours sleep in all, after spending all night tossing and turning through waves of pain and intense fever, nearly passing out a couple of times from it. Looooovely.
One of those nights where you're glad to see sunrise!

Thankfully, this morning, with some paracetamol and continued slobbing on the sofa in front of the tv/laptop I'm feeling a little bit better this morning. The paracetamol I had first thing has tamed the fever and headache for now, so just having to deal with the cough and general lethargy but fingers crossed the worst is over. Apparently I'm supposed to stay in the house until the symptoms are gone, and the symptoms can last anything up to 7 days apparently. I've not gone down the road of the Tamiflu as I've heard bad things about it and would rather just let me body get on with it. Also hoping the kids don't get it but will see how it goes I suppose.

And to quote my boyfriend, ''I'm having a big sausage and bacon sandwich when this is over, REVEEEEEEEEEEEEENGE!''

Had to do my food shopping online and have it delivered (poor tesco.com man's probably going yo get swine flu... oops..) and on my shopping list? Bacon and pork chops... the go with the sausages I already have.... revenge is a dish best served with red sauce.... :D

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

I think I may get this once this is over....

clicky..

Mum.

I remember doing a blog on myspace about my mum and how she came to be taken from me... instead of upsetting myself typing out a new one, I've decided to copy and paste it.
This was written the day of the 3 year anniversary of my mum's death.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Monday, September 14, 2008

And so another year passes.
Firstly.. apologies to anyone who may be reading this... as I fear it's a bit of a rant/self indulgent ramble... but then again today is a funny kind of day and maybe by putting it all down in writing it'll help ease it a bit. A word of forewarning though, this has turned into a bit of a longwinded and depressing spillage of emotions and memories and some people would be best avoiding reading it. Especially if you've lost someone you love recently. But if you still want to read... then carry on, but don't say I didn't warn you.


Unfortunately today is the one day each year I dread. Maybe dread is a harsh word but I suppose it's the closest I can get to, as 3 years ago today my mum died. Couldn't even bring myself to go down the cemetary today... so feeling decidely shit with myself at the moment. Maybe I'm just pathetic. on the one day a year that it matters.. I couldn't bring myself to go. How much of a bitch must that make me.


For those who don't know my mum died of lung cancer on september 14th 2005. I didn't even get to see her on the day she died. The unit called me in the morning (as they had done quite a few times in the run up to all this, as due to the nature of her illness we had many 'false alarms'..) to say that mum was going downhill again and they thought I should go in... but selfishly, as I'd had so much time off work in her last weeks I just said to them that I'd be in after and to ''Tell her I'll see her later....''
I had another call at work about 4pm to say things were getting serious and to go in.... but me... I guess in fear of asking to leave work early again, put off telling my boss and asking to go...
I finally left work at 4.30ish, went to pick up Ste and Ste's mum and then finally got to the residential home at 5ish...

God.... why am I writing this... *sigh*... oh well...as they say on mastermind.. I've started so I'll finish..

I walked through the door and down the corridor headed towards mum's room to be met by the head nurse. She asked if she could talk to me privately for a minute... and how stupid of me.... not even thinking anything of it... what an idiot... but then again I guess I didn't want to think about what she had to say...

We went into her office and she left me in there on my own for a minute before returning with another of the nurses... looking back it was so obvious what they were going to say but at the time I just wanted to see my mum and wished they'd hurry up and get on with whatever they wanted to tell me before I went in to see her and have our usual chats about how Ashli was, work, the weather.. how god awful tv had been today... just the usual menial stuff that everyone takes for granted. No idea where Ste and his mum were at this point... or whether they knew... but as I sat in that office it didn't even cross my mind the possibility...
So there I was. Sat in a cramped little room with bog standard day to day shit like filing cabinets and paperwork... completely oblivious.. but this wasn't everyday... the nurses weren't giving me their usual chit chat... or their niceties of telling me things that mum had made them laugh about today... instead all they said was...

''I'm sorry Sarah, your mum passed away about 15 minutes ago.
''

....

I don't remember much in the minutes that passed... my first memory is walking back down the corridor towards Ste. The only thing I could say was a feeble ''Ste'' before collapsing into his arms in tears.
The next memory I have is of walking down the corridor towards her room... passing other people's mums and dads and grandparents and just looking at them. gathered round the communal tv..... at this point I was just numb... their faces said it all.... I caught eye contact with a couple of them... their faces were just emotionless and empty. They must've known.. all I could think about was that fact that because of my fear, and paranoia about what work would say.. I missed my last chance to say goodbye.


I then went in to see my mum. I guess part of me needed to see her to take it all in. Wasn't quite prepared for it though, but then again how could you be? I remember walking in as I'd normally do. If I remember right I even said 'Hello mum' as I went in as I'd do everytime... the only difference being that this time I got no answer... nothing... just silence... the room was dark and everything was just.... well.... still. Even if you hadn't have known about mum as soon as you walked in the room you'd have known. It was so surreal. My mum was there... but... she wasn't.I just sat on a chat at the end of her bed for ages... just... numb.....
I'd never seen a dead body before then. But that's it, it wasn't just a dead body. It was my mum. The one person who'd been there for me all my life and the one person who I expected to ALWAYS be there. Who now wasn't. The cruel cycle of life had claimed its next victim and taken her.

...... I'm going to stop there. The rest, is as they say, history. It is true that the pain eases as time goes on, but you never get used to it. So many times I've thought to myself, oh I'll give mum a call... and then had to go through the whole heartache again of the realisation of it.
*Sigh*
There's been soooo many times where I've needed her... but... I guess there's not a lot I can do.


I'm really sorry if anyone has gotten this far and wishes they hadn't read it. I guess this is more for my benefit than anyone elses.. but I've posted it to show to people that you can come from being so low... and rebuild your life. I'm not the same person that I was, I guess something like that is bound to change you..and I've had to do a lot of refinding myself and rediscovering the person that people know and love... and god knows whether I'm anywhere near to being that person again... but I guess here's to another year of moving onwards and upwards... and trying my best to make my mum proud.


Mum, if by some weird twist of fate you can read this. I love you, and I'm sorry.

x
___________________________________________________________________________________

3 years on...

3 years ago today I was getting married. I was 21, and 16 weeks pregnant with my second baby, and about to marry the guy I’d been with since I was 16. 5 whole years.

Today, I’m 24, and a lone parent to 2 children, on benefits and with a divorce petition that’s just gone to court.

Didn’t see THAT one coming 3 years ago… I’ll be the first to admit I got married too young. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, or didn’t want to marry him… but the one small thing I wish I’d known in hindsight was that, for all me saying ‘’I’ve always been mature for my age, and I’ve ‘done’ my youth, I’ve got kids and responsibilities, this is it for me. Time to settle down. I’m not going to change. This is me.’’, quite simply I was wrong. I have changed more in the past 4 years or so than even I think I realise. I’ve grown up. A lot. I’ve become a different person who has gone through utter hell and had to reassess and correct the course of my life on numerous occasions. Here’s a brief timeline of the past 5 years or so..

2004 -
June – Find out I’m pregnant and due March 2005
August – Get engaged
October – My mum is diagnosed with lung cancer
November/December – My mum undergoes radiotherapy, all the while claiming she was getting better and the doctors were saying she’d recover, but I’ll leave that for another blog. It’s the anniversary of her death next month…

2005
17th March – Ashli, my eldest is born.
May – I start work at a Nursery as a trainee nursery nurse.
June – My mum is taken into a hospice.
August – My mum goes into ‘Palliative care’ at a local residential home.
14th September – My mum passes away.

2006
14th September – approx hmmm….April/May 2006?? – Can’t remember any of it. At all. I guess it was the grief. I went onto autopilot for most of it. I can barely remember any of the wedding prep.
April/Mayish – Find out I’m pregnant again, due Jan 2007.
5th August– Get married
November – Go on early maternity leave due to Symphysis Pubis Disorder, in so much pain I could hardly move and relying on a special belt to essentially hold my pelvis together.

2007
29th January – Kaitlyn is born…. screaming…. Should’ve known we were in for trouble then!
Feb/March approx – Sink into postnatal depression.
May – Due to return to work but end up having to leave due to the depression and extortionate childcare fees.
August – Decide to turn my life around and get myself out of the depression, as the antidepressants were simply keeping me reliant on them and nothing else. I start playing bass again, join a band, and get a Saturday job to get me out of the house. Start reinventing my image and trying to get out and make friends again. I literally gave up all social life when I left work and was depressed. I had NO friends. Except online. I was determined to do something about it, and get me out of the depression a the same time.
September - Took myself off Antidepressants

2008 -
Jan - Started going out to pubs with my then best friend. Started making friends within his group of friends and slowly creating my own circle.
Feb - Decided to volunteer for the CAB, with a view to eventually having a career as a debt advisor. Started my general advisor training doing 2 mornings a week and
Apr - Started work at the CAB, and also became self employed working for Ann Summers, working around childcare home life so I could work 16hrs plus and get tax credits to help with the childcare while I was at CAB, and also just to get out of the house.
May - signed up for an open university course 'you and your money' on personal finance to supplement my CAB work.
Sept - Separated from my husband, forcing me to leave my saturday job, as well as Ann summers. But I carried on with my CAB and OU work. Focusing on it to be able to get me through the stress. My husband moved out, and I became a single parent and on benefits for the first time in my life. My husband took the car, so I was pretty much housebound apart from the 2 mornings a week he let me use it to continue my CAB work, (He doesn't know it, but even through all the stress I am eternally grateful that he let me use it, as at that point the only thing keeping me going was the kids and my job).
November - March 2009- Become romantically involved with my best friend. Who inevitably broke my heart numerous times and destroyed my self esteem and confidence at a time I was most vulnerable. This may be the subject of a blog in the future. I've not decided yet. It's a time I don't really like to think about, but either way I'm not naming anyone as you never know who reads these things. Plus that's not really the point of this blog post. For the record though, I've forgiven and forgotten the whole thing, although it did, and probably still does affect me to some degree. But life's too short to hold grudges. Just hope that maybe one day we can be friends again.

2009 -
April - Became a qualified CAB advisor and around the same time found out I'd passed my OU course.
May - After pestering and request from my ex husband I started divorce proceedings. Also was offered position as a paid advisor at CAB, running a newly weekly outreach, and finally got my foot on the employment ladder.
End May - Started dating my current boyfriend, who, full aware of everything inc the best friend stuff, was totally patient with me and just gave me space to be able to work out the kinks to allow me to put my heart on the line again. I'm still scared of having my heart broken again, but on the whole I'm slowly coming around and much more relaxed now.

.. and that... in not so great detail.. is how I came to be where I am today. In just over a month Ashli starts school, and I'll be looking to go into more hours at work and come off benefits completely, and pay my own way again. The divorce has gone to court and just waiting to hear from that. Work is great, and bar usual up and downs which frequent my life (My life wouldn't be mine without drama..) life is good in general.

I don't really want to go into the reasoning behind my separation. In the end, his behaviour, and me heaving myself up out of depression and moving on my life inevitably left him behind, and we grew apart. There are other factors which I won't go into on here. But the choice to leave was mine and there are times I still feel guilty for hurting him, but it's a 2 way thing and end of the day, we've both moved on and now getting on with our respective lives.

Everything happens for a reason, and I truly feel that the reasoning behind everything that has happened is to create a stronger me. I'm the strongest I've ever been, even when dealing with continual crap. I have wonderful children, my own (admittedly rented) home, and a decent career on the way. Just sometimes you kind of sit back and wonder what the hell happened. My best friend (female) said to me not long ago..

'' What with everything that's happened to you, how are you still standing?''

In all honesty?

Not...a....clue.




Note: This is too long for me to be bothered reading through for grammatical errors. There's bound to be some, but please ignore them.

Emotard Sonisphere Review Photos.

Crazy bitches.


Machine Head circle pit.. before I went in!


Uh. Yea. Thankfully I didn't get a pic of the ball slapping fight he had with his new friend party boy...


Woo! Sonisphere!


Limp Bizkit


2nd Stage


Nine Inch Nails


Trent Reznor


LBFs!


Sunset over main stage


That's one big ass stage..


Avenged Sevenfold


Well helloooooooooooooooo Synister Gates.... nom..


I love this pic. RAWWWWWWWWWWWWR!


TALLICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


Moody looking stage with metallica


COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

The Official Emotard Sonisphere Review

Sonisphere was AMAZING. Although I was only there for the day it was brilliant and I wish I would've been there for the weekend (would've saved the 5 hours driving in one day too.. THAT was a killer..).

I set off about 9am, preparing myself for my loathed enemy, motorway driving. I HATE motorway driving as it often triggers my panic attacks. NOT good when you're doing 70mph and surrounded by other cars.. By the time I'd gotten to Watford Gap services on the m1 (about an hour into the journey) I'd had 4 minor panic attacks, but thankfully nothing sufficient to really affect me that badly, just freak me out a bit.

So a quick pizzle and drink stop and I set off again for the final stretch. Once I got the car started that is... I think it hates motorway driving as much as me as it did NOT want to start again, but thankfully I manage to convince it by kicking it. :D result!

All in all it took 2 1/2 hours, including a pit stop of about 10-15 mins, to get to Knebworth. It was actually really really easy to get to. M6-M1-Jct 11 - A505 - follow signs to Sonisphere. Easy! I was actually suprised how easy it was, considering I was relying on my memory of the maps I had googled, and a normal retroesque road map that was in the car. I've always been good at reading maps and generally my sense of direction is pretty good, although I do have a sat nav. Well. I say I have a sat nav. I BOUGHT a sat nav when I was self employed last year, but my ex seems to have aquired it... *Scowls* Good job I DO have a good sense of direction innit?

So 2 1/2 hours later I arrive at Sonisphere and park up. I was meeting Cel and Lee, and so arranged to meet them at the main entrance. Great, I thought. Until it turned out that day ticketters had a seperate entrance at the complete opposite end of the campsite. So a good 2 mile walk later (the soundtrack to which is provided by Buckcherry, I arrived just in time to hear Crazy bitch :D) and various texts to and from Cel of, 'Where are you?' 'Where's that?' and 'I'm confused!!' I eventually meet her at the entrance to the area and we headed in. The arena itself was actually laid out really well, but a lot closer together than it was at download. The 2nd stage was possibly only 200m from the main stage, so whereever you were you could hear what was going on on the other stages. In credit to Sonisphere they set the times for the Main and 2nd stages up so noone clashed and there was a good 5-10 min gap in between in set to be able to get to the other stage, so noone missed who they wanted to see on those stages, which was a MUCH better method than download's clashing setlists where you had to prioritise who you wanted to see at the sacrifice of others.

We walked up and sat down near main stage in time to see Killing Joke. Who are possibly the biggest pile of shite I have ever seen, with a geriatric singer who's dancing mimicked the movement of an epileptic having a fit. Surely he couldn't have thought that was a good move? He may have appeared to come from the stone age (ie the 80's) but come on.... twitching like a dying myximatosis rabbit is NOT a good dance move.. Band wise it was a pretty packed day, and I managed to see the following...

Killing Joke-
More like a complete joke....

Lamb of God
We left about 2 songs in.... very much a typical RIFFRIFFRIFFSHOUTRIFFRIFFRIFFSHOUTSQUEALRIFFRIFFRIFFMOSH band. Booooring.

We then mooched around the shops looking for Lee who we think had possibly been eaten by the Lamb of God pit... or gone shopping.. either or..

Mastodon/Feeder
Were playing on the 2nd stage while we mooched around and waited for Lee and other bands to come on. Very much Meh but the couple of more popular songs were good. Cel and I agreed whatshisface Feeder's singer only gets cuter with age.. :D Nom...

Special guests... MACHINE FUCKING HEAD!
After much debacle and hissing fitting by Machine Head, with them dropping out after Limp Biskit were drafting above them in the line up, Sonisphere added 'special guests' to the line up a few days before the festival opened, and all sorts of rumours started flying around about who it would be. Pendulum, Prodigy.... but in the end the inevitable happened and Machine Head returned to the Sonisphere stage. I only have 3 words for it... MY... FUCKING.. GOD. They were absolutely amazing and managed to create what has been reported by the Official Sonisphere website as the biggest circle pit in Sonisphere history (http://uk.sonispherefestival.net/2009/08/machine-fcking-head/). At one point Rob Flynn was trying to create 20 circle pits in the entire crowd. One of which opened up by us. Being ever the 'spur of the moment' type person I went and got stuck in. Christ... if you ever need exercise go in a circle pit. Nothing like running around in a circle smacking into people to get your heartrate up... Machine head classics such a davidian and burn my eyes just made the whole set amazing. Metal as it's supposed to be, absolutely BRUTAL.

Limp Bizkit
A very very fun and lively set, which helped by us being pretty close compared to where we'd been for other bands. Lots of dancing and singing along, which made it a lot of fun. The performance itself was great but personally not as good as their download show. Can't put my finger on why but still great and would definately want to see them again if they toured. Altogether now..... keep roooollin rollin rollin rollin YEA!!

Alice in Chains
First tour with the new singer since whatshisface went and died... for some reason I managed to make myself look like a retard, thinking it was Jerry Cantrell who'd died... I was quickly informed by Cel and Lee he was the guitarist, and in fact very much alive... oops... If you're reading this by some wicked twist of fate Jerry, I apologise, and you look very healthy and full of life. Nice guitar playing btw...
But anyway, the new singer looked like a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, but if you shut your eyes you wouldn't have been able to tell the difference between the past and present singers.. he was amazing! The set itself included new and old material.. and the new material sounds brilliant and very very promising, Roll on september for the release of the new album, have a feeling it's going to be a good'un! The old material was mindblowing, with classics such as Them bones and Angry chair.. I've never seen AIC live... but I'm SO glad I did.. they're just brilliant and I really hope they tour locally when the new album is released. If so, I'm there.

Nine Inch Nails
Sonisphere was apparently NIN's last ever UK show. Now that Trent's gone and gotten himself loved up and gained a sense of morality and concience *rolls eyes*. It still didn't stop them being breathtaking at sonisphere, although sadly they didn't play some of the more well known tracks, such as Closer or Starfuckers Inc.. but of course this is Trent Reznor we're talking about, and when did he EVER do anything people wanted or expected? Exactly.. We were quite frankly just happy that he didn't have a hissy fit like he had on his twitter escapades and actually turned up for the show.. However the set itself was simply astounding and they played my 2 favourite tracks in succession, the frail and the wretched... Sar was one very very happy bunny. So glad to have seen them live but very sad they are unlikely to ever to return to the UK, if they don't split up altogether soon what with Reznor's new found self. *sigh*

Avenged Sevenfold
I managed to catch about 1/2 of Avenged's set while Cel was off getting stuff from their camp. I've seen avenged a couple of times before, the first being great, the 2nd being shite, so I was a bit unsure as to how it was going to turn out. BUT...they..were..brilliant :D They played the gems that are critical acclaim and scream, and afterlife...and gunslinger...and..and... they were just great. Totally back on form and well worth seeing if you haven't before. Although I do now have a small crush on Synister Gates... he's got a very Bam Margera look about him and oh HELL yea... *ahem*.. uh.. I mean... he's a very talented guitarist.... yes. That's the one...

Metallica
Headlining the main stage were Metallica. Signing off the main stage of Sonisphere 09. I only saw half the set, as by that point I was on the verge of falling asleep at the wheel on the 2-3 hr drive home back to sunny (or not so sunny considering it was night!) Staffordshire, so to protect the neccessity that was me actually making it home alive I left early. I'd have loved to have stayed til the end, because considering how spectacular the first half was I could only imagine the end was a million times better. The first time I saw Metallica wasn't a nice experience because of ticket trouble, and it completely spoiled the whole evening, so to be able to see them and enjoy them this time round made up for it. They opened with Blackened, my favourite 'tallica song, and went on to play One and fuel; complete with pyrotechnics, Cyanide, and broken beaten scarred, more of my favourites before I eventually left. There are no words for their performance really. They were just Metallica. They were everything that is Metallica. Anyone who's seen them before will understand. A fitting end for a perfect day of metal.

And so I left, and began the mile long walk to the car park. That was an experience in itself, a fenced off path, on the edge of the site, lit only by a string of dimly lit bulbs high up... I'm not a generally scaredy cat type person, but when you're a lone female walking in the dark alone you start to feel a bit vulnerable! Thankfully I eventually (after about 10 minutes of searching and wandering round a pitch black car park) managed to find the car and set off home, praying that the stingy tired eyes stayed at stingy tired eyes and didn't progress into further 'I'm just going...to....rest.....my........ey..zzzzzzz' while on the M1. Me and motorways don't mix. For reasons explained previously. However... me and night driving don't mix either. So.. to drive for 2 hours on nothing but motorway...at night.... and tired.... eventually led to a massive panic attack in which I actually thought I was going to pass out doing 70MPH on her majesty's motorway... normally I would've pulled over and had a freak out, but on this occasion I just forced myself through it and carried on, using lorries as focus points by following them. Eventually it passed with no ill effects and I made it back to Watford Gap services, at which I had the smallest, but most blindingly powerfully coffee I think I've ever had, washed down with full caffeine coke. Note to self....Double espresso's = sleepy -> wired in approximately 10 seconds flat. That wired effect managed to last until I got to spaghetti junction at which point I started to flag again. Luckily I wasn't far from home so that managed to keep me focused and I stumbled in at about 1am, to be greeted by Mr false sympathy boyfriend.. 'awwwww so tired after going out and having fun all day.. there there..'. Remind me why I'm with him someone?? Git... On a serious note though, I wouldn't have been able to go if it weren't for him, as I hadn't been able to get another babysitter, and being the best beef in the world that he is, he offered to babysit. So thank you beef, again! I did buy him a little something though as a thank you. Admittedly it wasn't much, but it's the thought that counts right?

RIGHT???

Stop rolling your eyes at me damn it...

Anyway.. it's 11am... and I've not yet had breakfast! I'm still in bed having earlier dropped the kids off at nursery after which I crawled back into bed. And if anyone is thinking I'm being lazy you can bog off.. I didn't actually to to sleep til about 2 after succumbing to the temptation that was looking at the photos I'd taken. And then I was woken this morning by a half eaten gingerbread man 2 inches from my face and MUMMYMUMMYIGOTYOUASPESHULPRESENTANDACARDANDMUMMYMUMMY!!!

Bless em. As much as I moan it's still a great way to wake up in the morning. Just.. maybe a little later than 7am when you've had approx 4 hours sleep..

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Loooord you gotta keep the faith continued..

For anyone interesting in learning more about Wicca check out..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wicca

Loooord you gotta keeep the faaaith.

God I love Bon Jovi.

Merry Lammas everyone, and for those who have no clue what Lammas is, it's a Pagan sabbat, or holy day. I've been officially Wiccan (a branch of paganism) since I was about 13. I'd always believe in a god/goddess and in the earth having it's own spirits and energies for as long as I could remember. It was only when I was 13 that I discovered it actually had a name. I was christened at birth, sent to sunday school when I lived in America, and dragged along to vaaaarious christian gatherings and celebrations throughout my childhood. But it just never clicked for me. I just went along with it whilst secretly believing what I believed and keeping myself to myself.

10-11 years on here I am. I've always believed although my actually 'practicing the faith' has been admittedly on and off due to various constraints. But now I live alone I'm able to do what I like and it's led me to be able to practice regularly again.

I should clarify really what I mean by practice.. practicing to me is prayers, and doing rituals based around prayers, 'talks' to deities and occasional magick anAnyway, this blog isn't about Bon Jovi. d ''spellwork''. The main focus is really on the prayers and talks but sometimes they overlap. It's difficult to explain to those who don't believe, as most would categorise me a witch and be done with it. I'm not a witch. And yes, there IS a difference. Witches do exist, although not in the way movies portray them. Not all wiccans are witches and not all witches are wiccans.. The subtle difference is the magic part. Witches do the magic and the spells but wiccans are more focused on the beliefs and prayers and sometimes do magic. But anyway, I digress..

My beliefs have always been important to me. They've always been there when I've needed them and especially this year, have seen me through some very, very rough times. Although sometimes it's not as great as you'd think. This will sound crazy to most people but, I see, hear and feel things. I've come to call them little visions. Flashes of images, sounds, and strings of coincidences which eventually link and then I have a kind of realisation as to what it was about. Often it's things that either mean something or actually happen. I've had a lot of things which actually happen that I've seen. The other things eventually reveal a meaning, like a message. Sometimes they are very difficult to work out and it can be incredibly frustrating. All in all it has just strengthened by belief in 'everything happens for a reason'. Because, in my experience. It does and the visions and things link into it and give me a meaning. A reason. Which in turn strengthens my belief.

On various occasions I've tried to keep a log of my visions and things but I never keep it up. No idea why really. I guess sometimes I don't need to. If it works out it's generally pretty obvious, but I should keep a record really. If only for my info and so I can look back. For the moment, I'm just content in knowing that it's there if I need it, a bit of guidance and a helping hand through life. Most mainstream beliefs are based on essentially make believe, which is fair enough if you believe strong enough in it. But to me I believe in something I can see feel smell touch taste... I believe in the earth and the energies within it. I pray to gods/goddesses, but those gods/goddesses are the energies of nature... Diana, the moon, Gaia, the earth... Things you can see and know are there... you can feel the energy... if you're open enough to it. Through years of belief and practice I can feel it now. When I pray I feel the energies running through me and can channel them. Although I'm fully aware skeptics will now be thinking ''What drugs is she on and where can I get some''. It's hard to explain. You'll just have to believe me.

Yes, you do think I'm nuts, don't you? But everyone needs something to believe in. For some that belief is simply in not needing a divinity to believe in, and just believing in human nature as it is. Everyone has something. Even if they don't know it.

Merry Lammas all. For now I'll leave you with a pic of the sunset I took just after finishing my prayers tonight.

)O(