The Random Ramblings of an Emotard.

Time to move on?

2010-05-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Before Lewis died, I'd been thinking about getting another cat as a companion for him. I'd tried, but to no avail, only to be told by vile slag-hag charity worker with more snootiness than sense that my 'house was too chaotic and my children too naughty' to rehome a kitten from a local cat charity. Bitch. It was complete and utter bollocks. Yes, I'll admit I don't have the tidiest of houses, but you try having 2 children and a technically full time job. My children aren't overly naughty. They have their moments granted but unless you live in the 'children should be seen and not heard' era and permanently gag your children, who are tied to their beds for 23 hours out of every day then please EXCUSE ME if I have 'normal' children who make a bit of noise and mess.

Not that I'm bitter about the bitchy slag-hag.... oh no. *mumbles incoherently*

But anyway, I put the idea on the shelf after the whole 'charity' incident as it hugely knocked my confidence, as much as I shouldn't have let it. I'm a sensitive soul at heart, as much as I try and cover it up with extrovertness and outward self confidence.

Then Poor Lewis died. :(

After that point I felt like to even consider the idea of getting another cat would somehow be disrespectful. That I'd be seen as trying to replace him and that I was being insensitive to his memory or something equally irrational. Just thinking about it made me feel horribly guilty, sad, and even more mournful for Lewis.

Now, you may say it's ridiculous, being so attached to 'just an animal'. But he wasn't just an animal. He was my baby boy. He was as much a part of the family as mey, or Ashli, or Kaitlyn. His passing left a huge whole in the family and the house has felt empty ever since. It's odd actually. I never realised just how much of a presence a pet could have but now I feel uncomfortable being at home alone. It's strange. I feel all panicky and alone when I go to bed. The loneliness is borne of being so used to Lewis being there with me at night. He always used to sleep on my bed and have cuddles, before inevitably deciding he'd had enough, biting me, and then bogging off to the other side of the bed. But now I don't have that and it's strange to adapt to. It also doesn't help with trying to fill the hole in the family that he left behind.

It's now been about 3 weeks since he died. The hole is still there and although in general we're getting on with life it still doesn't feel right. I've always had cats since I was maybe about 9/10. They've always been a big part of my life and I've never wanted to imagine life without them if I'm honest. I am, and will always be, a cat person. Maybe not so much as being a crazy cat lady... yet... but anyone who loves cats will know what I mean. They play such a part in your life that they leave an impression on you forever, and they become a huge part of your life. Especially when you have them from kittens.

So, out of interest, I've been keeping an eye out for any adverts for cats or kittens. I wasn't looking to get a new one straight away. More just to keep an ear to the ground if you like, and if something came up I could think about it more seriously.

Yesterday I saw one. An ad in our local supermarket.

"4 kittens, 6 weeks old,
weaned and litter trained,
£20 each and ready to go.
Call ##########"

I saved the number in my mobile. I wasn't seriously considering calling it but I thought it would be at least a good idea to take down the number just in case I changed my mind.

I don't really know what spurred me into calling the number this afternoon. It was one of those whim decisions where you just think "Feck it, why not.". So I called. All of the kittens were still available as she'd literally only just started advertising. They only lived about 2 minutes away from where I would be at work tomorrow, so I've arranged to go and see them tomorrow lunchtime, taking along one of my best friends who's also considering getting one after seeing me mention it on facebook.

I'll be honest, I spent most of the afternoon wondering whether I was ready to 'move on' from Lewis, and whether it would be a good idea with me just starting a new job. Of course in my head my worries were just making me think of varying excuses really. There was no rational reason that going to see them would do any harm. But still I couldn't shake the underlying guilt.

Then, something rather odd happened.

I'd left something in the car, so as the kids were in their room watching a movie I nipped out to grab it. I opened the front door and there was a very cute tortie cat sat on my doorstep, just looking at me. Needless to say I was a bit surprised, but I gave it a bit of fuss anyway. It was ever so friendly and quite happily stood there getting some chin scratches. I presumed as soon as I disappeared it would run off back home, wherever that may be, as it didn't look like a stray. It was very happy, friendly and looked very healthy and wellfed.
Anyway, I left it on my doorstep and went to the car. When I got back I couldn't see it anywhere so I presumed it had disappeared. I went into the house and closed the door. Only to see it toddling off up the stairs and into the girls room! The girls of course were very excited and actually thought it was my dad's cat, Lucky, as they both have similar markings. The cat then wandered off downstairs to explore the rest of the house with me, albeit rather puzzled, following behind.

I gave it a bit of food and water in case it was lost but it then quite happily wandered around the house exploring and coming up for occasional fuss for a good half hour.

In the end I said my goodbyes and put him/her back outside. I couldn't have bared the thought of some other family being heartbroken about it going missing so it was best to send it on it's way with a full belly and some love.

I sat down after putting it out thinking what a strange coincidence it was.

People who know me know that I'm a massive believer in things happening for a reason. Although I don't believe in fate as such, being a preplanned existence that we're powerless over, I believe in a kind of life where we're guided along a path, the way of which can be altered and varied depending on our actions and our willingness to change. I believe in a higher energy which guides us with gentles reminders and 'nudges' every now and then, to either reassure us of our path, or to guide onto something better, to help us to make our decisions and walk our own path. I hope that makes sense to those reading it! Ah the joys of being pagan, it's hard to describe! lol.

But anyway, my point being that I genuinely think that this 'visit' today, was by way of reassurance that getting another cat would be ok. Some ethereal reassurance that everything would work out and not to feel bad for wanting to move on. When the cat was here it was really nice. The feeling of the family being whole again returned, and it reaffirmed by want for another cat. So whatever you want to believe, (I know my boyfriend for one thinks I'm crazy and doesn't get involved with my beliefs..) I'm content in the feeling that whatever happens, everything will work out ok in the end. Wherever Lewis' spirit is now, I would never be able to replace him. He is, was, and always will be, my baby boy. No cat in the world could change that.

But sometimes you'd just got to accept the circle of life for what it is, and learn to move on.

Psychosomatic?

2010-04-27T05:36:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I came home to find a letter from the NHS and my GP on my mat. I opened it with happy hope that I'd had my hospital appointment through for my cancer referral and that I might be closer to getting some answers into what's wrong. Sadly, it was a random NHS questionaire and a letter from my GP confirming they'd sent off my 'fast track' referral and to contact them if I hadn't had a call or letter from the hospital within 14 days as they'd need to chase it up.

So back I went, back to the disappointed frustration of still not knowing what the hell's going on.

But then I started thinking, what if it's all in my head? The physical symptoms I can't ignore, the pain, the unexplained bleeding and such. But the other symptoms... what if my brain was just messing with me? A product of an ingrained paranoia and fear of 'the big C' from when my mum died of Cancer. I know for a fact I can be overly cautious and anxious. It's a trait I got from my mum who suffered with depression for a long time and had some anxious personality traits due to having had strokes.

I'm also having symptoms I wouldn't normally link with a gynaecological problem. Dizziness, panic attacks, nausea and general confusion. I actually ended up doing a pregnancy test so I could at least rule THAT out. It was negative of course, but in a daft way part of me wished it was positive. Not because I want another child, but just because then I'd KNOW. I'd have an explanation. It'd prove that I'm not crazy or imagining things.

I mean, can I really be THAT unlucky? Months of work/money stress, numerous bands folding before they've even got going, wisdom teeth that have been plaguing me for the past 6 months, my beloved cat dying out of the blue... and now this? Weeks of worry about my health and facing a god damn cancer scare at the age of 24. I'm struggling to sleep soundly as I'm plagued with dreams related to death and cancer/hospitals and I can't sit still for more than 10 minutes before the thoughts start creeping back into my head. It's getting ridiculous.

But the other thought is, what if I don't get any answers? What if it is nothing? I'll have gone through all this stress for nothing.

So is it wrong to hope that they do find something (Non serious of course), just the problems I've been having have a reason, and I'm not actually just slowly going insane?

All change.

2010-04-24T02:44:00.000-07:00

What a rollercoaster of a few months it's been. I can't even begin to explain the majority of it. It's been so up and down it's unbelievable, because as it always the case with my life, when it's good it's great and when it's bad it's awful. Not that I'm writing this looking for sympathy. It's just I NEED to get all the crap going round my head out I suppose, but things have been so busy recently that I've not had chance.
To summarise the main points of change recently.

I joined, and left a band, shortly before our first gig. Leaving was not through fault of my own though as the drummer and guitarist decided to call it a day. Frustrating as it was only a few weeks after deciding to start gigging. Your guess is as good as mine.

I've signed up to take my Grade 4 RGT bass exam, and currently revising for that as it can take place any time in June/July. Nervous, but looking forward to it. It's hard work though as before January I'd done no theory at all...

My beloved cat Lewis died last week after a short but fatal illness. The vet didn't know exactly what it was, but the last few days went downhill so quickly they thought it was either Poisoning or Meningitis. I was absolutely distraught as he was a massive part of the family and it still doesn't feel right without him. I've been mooching over the idea of getting another cat, as I'd been planning before he died, but part of me still feels as though it would be disrespectful to Lewis. Almost as if I'd be replacing him. No cat could replace Lewis, but I still have the guilt.

Jobwise I'm happy to say that I start a new job on the 5th May, a temporary contract until November as a Money Advice Caseworker for another local CAB. Also I've been able to keep on a small 4 hours contract at my current CAB as well as being able to do a day there voluntary as a favour to my boss. Looking forward to starting but it's a happy end to what's been an uncertain and stressful 6 months jobwise. Least the pay is good. :)

My main worry at the moment is my health though. The past couple of months have been really stressful all round, as generally if things go shit in my life they go VERY shit. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's just a lack of ability to deal with things. I'm generally a very strong person and have been through so much shit in my life as it is you think I'd be used to it.
Anyway. it's culminated in my now awaiting an appointment for an urgent cancer referral at my local gynae unit to check for potential cervical cancer. I had a big problem last year which was treated and I was referred then, but due to childcare commitments I couldn't go for the follow up. I was treated for an infection at the same time and the majority of the symptoms cleared up. The other symptom carried on but I didn't think anything of it. Fast forward to the past couple of months where I've been having problems again. Again, I've been treated for an infection but more symptoms have remained this time so I've been referred to the hospital with the fear of it them being caused cervical cancer.

I'm not going to go into the symptoms on here that I've been getting as A) it's personal and B) it's embarassing.

But for the sake of other who may not be aware what the symptoms are here's some info.
http://cancer.about.com/od/cervicalcancer/a/cervcancrsympt.htm

Although those symptoms can be the signs of other things, according to the doctor the symptoms I have are the main indictors, so I have to be tested ASAP. Looking at that list (It's the first time I've even thought to look what the symptoms are, you don't just think things like that are a possibility at my age..), I should've gone to the doctors a good 6 months ago and definitely had that follow up appointment. :\

At the moment I don't know what to think. It could be absolutely nothing. Or it could be cancer. My mum died of lung cancer, and 'the big C' is the one possibility in life that scares the crap out of me. I saw the suffering my mum went through and her eventual death. I don't want to go through that, and more importantly I don't want to put my kids through that. What would happen to the kids?? I've got no will? I've got no PLAN for anything like that. God, there are so many questions like that going round my head right now. I know it's possibly being overanxious as nothing is confirmed yet. I'm only 24, I'm otherwise healthy (If you ignore persistent infected wisdom teeth!) and happy, if stressed. But it's impossible to get the what if's/buts/maybes out of your head with something like this.

I've never been through a cancer scare before. Frankly, I'm petrified.

A fresh start?

2010-01-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what it is with me recently. I keep finding myself thinking about ifs and buts and things that I could do but that aren't really realistic practical at the moment. I'm talking about the possibility of a fresh start. A new job, a new house, a new life... somewhere away from here.

This in itself is weird for me. I spent my first 13 years of life being moved around from house to house, country to country, continent to continent, but my unsettled and debt ridden parents. They solved their problems by moving and running away from them. So I've very much become desperate for stability and security. I never had that when I was a child. So you would think that the last thing I'd want to do to myself and my kids would be to move. To some degree that's right. But me just writing the bit above about my parents has made me twig something...

"They solved their problems by moving and running away from them."

I think, in a nutshell this is what's going on in the back of my mind. I don't WANT to move. I don't WANT to unsettle us and have to start afresh. I'm looking for a new job anyway. And sure.. if the perfect job came up and it meant moving to be nearer then of course I'd realistically think about it. But that's last resort.

There's only really one reason I've been wanting to move away. My ex. The past year has seen him do a complete character reversal, and he's still be clinging on to ways to control me. Sadly, the only way he can do that now is through the girls. He's been messing us about, and more than anything, making repeated comments which insinuate that I'm basically a selfish bitch who neglects the girls and is essentially a bad mother. The trouble is he's completely obvious (at least I hope he's oblivious, has to be said nothing would surprise me anymore) to what he says. He is NEVER in the wrong. Ever. But that's the way he's always been. Part of the many layered and complex reasons I left him in the first place.

The long and short of it is, I'm fed up of being made to feel like a bad mother, and having the girls constantly messed about. We need stability, we need calm, and we need security to be able to be happy.

The sad fact is that other than this one part of my life, life is great. I'm the happiest I think I've ever been at the moment. I'm generally happy and content. The girls are great and growing up into great kids.. if stubborn! But I have to admit to being worried about how the very strained relationship with their father will effect them. Another reason for the wanting a fresh start.

If I can get away from the problem.. can I protect them from the hell I went through as a child?

I'm fully away that this could be read as though I want to run away and stop all contact with their father. I couldn't do that. It's not fair on the girls and they need a male role model in their life. Which to be fair is the only reason I put up with the constant crap I get. The sacrifice you make as a mother eh? I would never stop contact with him unless the girls themselves told me that they didn't want contact anymore. I would in no way manipulate or control them into a choice either. It's their choice and theirs alone.

But that's the sad part... they're becoming less and less bothered. I think they're so used to being let down by him now that they've stopped caring.

For example, when he first started messing us about the girls would be inconsolable. They'd want to see him all the time, they'd cry, they'd tantrum, they'd be distraught if they couldn't see him when they expected him. They got upset, I got upset because they were upset, it was a vicious circle.
So take today... their dad sent a typically shitty text about him being ill, which inevitably culminated with him not having the girls tonight. Ash is smart. And she knows the routine. After school on a friday they go to dads after dinner. So this is how it went today.
"Mummy, we going to daddy's later?"
"Not tonight darlin', he's poorly."
"When will we see him?"
"I don't know hun, I'm sorry."
"We going somewhere special tomorrow?"....

And that was it. No reaction. Not fussed. K didn't even ask and hasn't even noticed the change. Ash just doesn't care. They used to get really excited about going, but now...? They're 4 and as-good-as-3. It doesn't bode well for the future.

But as for the fresh start? What would it solve? It would be likely to cause more arguments than anything, even if potentially temporarily. I don't know. Part of me still gets tempted by the idea. But for all the shit I've been getting and want to get away from, I have so much going for me here. Ashli is going well at school, and both her and K have lots of friends at school and nursery. I'm on the path to a great well paid job, it's just a case of finding one that's permanent. I have my own place which is cheap, I have my dad local and a good relationship with him now. I've got my beautiful daughters, amazing friends and the closest bunch of girlie mates I have EVER had. Even at school. And of course I have Ian. And things are great with us, so what happens if in the future we decide to get a place together? You just don't know how things are going to pan out.

So I think at the moment I should focus my efforts on making my girls happy, ignoring the bullshit, sorting my job out and enjoying the amazing things I have right here. Instead of pining for something that wouldn't actually solve the problem anyway....

Life as a deafhead

2010-01-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

I've found myself in a strange predicament recently. I am, currently, at least, partially deaf. It's not permanent (I hope :\) and tomorrow I should be having it sorted out.

Monday night I had my second band practice with my new band at which I used foam earplugs. Now, since before christmas I've had problems with wax blocking my ears. and I was SUPPOSED to have gone and had them syringed to clear the blockage. But because of the girls and work I didn't get chance to go and left it, but kept meaning to go. So come monday after practice, I leave and I'm pretty much deaf. My preexisting tinnitus is screaming at me and everything was muffled. I didn't think anything of it. I just thought that practice must've been loud and to turn down next time. Through the night it continued, disturbing my sleep and driving me crazy.
Then I woke up tuesday and it was even worse. I had slept through my alarm and was woken only by the girls turning the lights on. It was then I realised that I STILL couldn't hear anything clearly. I was also getting shooting pains deep in my ears. I booked myself an emergency appointment at the doctors that morning and went straight down. Seems that the earplugs had pushed the existing blocked wax further into my ear, completely blocking everything off. Treatment? Olive oil in the ears repeatedly for up to 5 days then go back and have them syringed. That was it. No help for the pain, no solution to the deafness.. nothing. Come back in a week.

So I went to work. I had a debt appointment I had to keep so went in straight from the doctors. I managed to bumble my way through before going home, just about managing to make out what people were saying and holding myself together. When I got in I put the olive oil in my ears. That was the point at which I went substantially deaf. Presumably the oil made everything swell up and blocked it even more. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't hear the girls, I couldn't hear the tv, I couldn't hear myself talk. Quite literally all I could hear was the internal echo of my own voice the my tinnitus screaming in my head.

For those of you who don't know what tinnitus is, it's basically the brain being tricked into hearing something that there isn't an actual external source for. It's making it's own noise basically, and it can be triggered by hearing damage through loud noise, infection, or foreign bodies in the ear canal putting pressure on the ear drum. My preexisting tinnitus is from hearing damage through loud music and playing in bands without wearing earplugs. Thankfully I've learned my lesson in that respect, and now wear earplugs at every practice and any gig. But in this instance, I've got the wax putting pressure on the eardrum as well as the existing. And because I can't hear any normal background noise to take my mind off the normal ringing it sounds like it's 100x louder than normal. And it's driving me insane. The deafness is bad enough on it's own but when all I can hear is an extremely loud high pitched ringing, combined with hissing like you'd get from an out of tune tv (but mostly the ringing), I was expecting to be put in a padded room by the time the afternoon was out.

Oh... and if you want an idea of what tinnitus can sound like... check this out. From the British Tinnitus association website..

http://www.tinnitus.org.uk/files/representation%20of%20tinnitus%20sounds%2032b.mp3

Now imagine that in your head... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...

It's been 2 full days. 2 days of being 'deaf'. It's been a very strange experience, and actually very, very frightening. Because of the noises in my head I keep thinking I'm hearing things, and I don't know if I'm hearing them or not. I think I can hear music, but there isn't anything playing I keep thinking I hear the girls calling, but they're fast asleep. It's actually quite frightening because it becomes very easy to start questioning yourself and your sanity! When in reality my brain is just distorting the tiny amount of sounds I can hear and combining them with the tinnitus and coming up with something weird and otherwordly. I swear someone was playing a guitar and talkbox in my head earlier..

It's also been very, very lonely. And I will admit there's been times over the past couple of days where I have broken down in tears. Partly the frustration, partly the frightening nature of it, and partly because you feel so alone. You are literally alone with your thoughts. You can't hear other people, you can't watch the tv properly, or listen to music, or do normal things. I had to call in sick today as there would've been no way I could've interviewed my clients. So I have been alone. alone with this screaming in my head, completely isolated from pretty much all normal sound. Ian, my boyfriend came over last night, but I could hardly hear him talk. I had to struggle to work out what he was saying and thankfully I know him well enough to understand his mannerisms etc. I was just grateful of some company, and something to distract myself from this horrible internal loneliness. I did feel sorry for him because I must've been awful company. Having to have subtitles on the tv and not being able to hear what he was saying, even though he was merely inches away. Tonight, I'm on my own, and it's taking all of my effort to not break down. Thankfully I have my appointment to get them syringed tomorrow afternoon at 3. But this is only because Ian has been kind enough to take an hour or so off work otherwise I would've had to wait til next thursday. Over a week away. I think at that point I would've been insane. PROPERLY insane. Rocking in a corner repeatedly punching myself in the side of the head.

Over the course of the afternoon I've had little 'clicks' after which I've been able to very temporarily hear. I'm talking literally a fraction of a second of clear hearing. The sound is deafeningly loud and really overwhelming! But, it's reassuring me that this is only temporary and that once it's treated and sorted, I'll be able to hear again.

Hearing, I've learnt the hard way, is something you really can't take for granted. And there's no way now I'd ever not wear earplugs at gigs or practices now. I also have some less noticeable earprotectors I'm going to start wearing to loud pubs/clubs as well. I never, ever, want the tinnutus to get this bad, or to damage my hearing any more than it has been. It's been a horrible, scary, lonely and upsetting experience. and it's only been 3 days. Imagine if it was permanent...

carpetgate 2009

2009-12-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

Asa xmas present from my dad, he's paid for me to have happy new living/dining room carpet :D
This however meant I've had to gut the room and take up the old carpet ready for it to be fitted tomorrow afternoon.
So began 2 hours or carnage and near death experiences...

Supervisor cat is supervising..

The incredibly odd list of baby girl names my mum wrote. Found UNDER my carpet. I moved in in October 2005. My mum DIED in sept 05 and my eldest daughter was born march 05.... wtf?

Never trust a woman high on prescription pills with a bread knife... uh oh.. too late. Speaking of prescription pills..

..the carrier bag mine came in.... lol. God bless wisdom teeth...

For some reason I painted that when we moved in and decorated. Who DOESN'T want to find "hi" in yellow paint on the floor?

Got to love the council's answer to flooring. "I know, lets stick thin slate tiles on tarmac!" Expected to find my own private parking space..

No rest for the wicked

2009-12-02T04:40:00.000-08:00

Hello strangers :D (If anyone actually reads this thing.. lol)

So much has happened since I last posted and my life has gone into crazy hyper overdrive mode. I rarely get time to myself at the moment, in fact, I'm actually writing this from work! Lol Oh the irony..

Anyway.. after all my money worries and problems and gripes about being on benefits, guess what. I'm back at work! A new contract came through at work a few weeks ago and I am now working a whole 18 hours a week! The wage is pretty nice too :D, but more importantly, I'm now off benefits! Well ok, not entirely, but I'm now not on income support at all, and I just get a tiny amount of council tax benefit and housing benefit as I'm a single mum, and of course my tax credits/child benefit and whatnot.. but the main thing is that I'm not longer completely reliant on benefits to get by! It feels great! However I am now a proper little busy bee, as my new role Advisor/money advice assistant essentially means I'm a trainee debt caseworker, dealing with the smaller cases on my own and helping the qualified caseworkers. :D I love it! Only problem is this new contact is for 6 months only. So come March I'm going to start having to look elsewhere if no other funding comes up as I am NOT going back on benefits. No bloody way am I going back to that hell.

It's funny. This has been such an up and down year. I've caught myself on a few occasions thinking about just how much has changed. It's insane. The first half of the year was an utter mess in every way shape and form. But the second half has just gone strength to strength. It's still had it's ups and downs granted, you can never escape those really. That's life. There'll always be little issues and bumps in the road. My divorce is still going through for example, and I've had various problems with my ex, but now I've pretty much stopped regular contact with him things are getting easier. Still not perfect by any means and I'm still not happy with certain arrangements, but I won't go into detail on here. I love my girls and they're happy. That's all that matters and all I care about.

Things between me and the beef are great. Scary to think that come Christmas we'll have been together 7 months though. Where has this year gone??? For the first time in a long long time I'm actually happy with someone, I love him and it's most importantly reciprocated, and I'm actually ENJOYING being with someone, without NEEDING them. It sounds daft, but we have our individual lives and we meet in the middle, which is nice as we don't drive each other crazy (yet lol!) and I think on a personal level that's something I've not had in a long time. A life of my own that I have WILLINGLY shared with someone. Prior to this I've basically been dictated by everyone else. I can finally say, that for the first time in a looooooooong time, I'm truly happy :). Which is nice :D

The girls are both great, Ash is doing really well at school and KK is as cheeky and eeeevil as ever. Typical 2 year old. Lol. Ash is really coming into her own and really growing up fast. It's really blink and you miss it with them at the moment. They're both coming on and my babies are definitely well and truly gone. I can't believe they're nearly 5 and 3 respectively. Scary.... :\ I have to keep snapping myself out of flits of broodiness recently, which is crazy, seeing as I've only just started to regain my sanity. Lol! That and I'm pretty sure the beef would run a mile if I ever mentioned such suggestions to him..lmao! “Let's try for a baby!!.... wait... come back!! Where are you going?!?!....” lol :D How to put the frighteners up someone in one easy step :D I may be insane, but I'm not THAT insane.

Divorce wise things have been pretty straight forward so nothing really to tell. Applying for the Decree absolute on the 9th December, so you never know, may have it in time for Christmas. Lol Happy Christmas! Should come through pretty quick after I apply so just depends how busy the court is really. How exciting... not. Lol

Anyway, I should really quit rambling. But that's where I am now.. busy.. but very very happy :D Will try and keep writing as much as possible. But what with work, the girls, the house, the beef, the lbfs, the ou course and trying to have a social life it's all a bit manic! lol

Things to be grateful for.

2009-11-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

I've had an awful week for a variety of reasons. But rather than a self pitying, depressing post I thought I'd look on the bright side...

so here we are. The yin and yang of emotional stress..
things to be grateful for.

I have little money - but the money I do have is under my control

I have debts - but it's manageable and not causing me a problem

I'm up to my eyeballs in work - but it means I have a job and I enjoy it

My girls are really stressing me out of late - but they're healthy, happy and loved

My exhusband is STILL treating me like shit - but I'll soon have a decree absolute lol

My house is a shittip - but I have my own house to actually have mess in

My car needs repairs doing to it - but it gets me from A to B and is my biggest asset

My heart has been broken more times than I care to think about - but at least I have known what it is to love someone so much it hurts

Most men I have known have been bastards at least part of the time - but my boyfriend loves me and shows it

I don't have many close friends - but the ones I have MORE than make up for it

I don't get chance to play bass as much as I would like - but at least I have a talent

I'm overemotional most of the time - but at least I'm brave enough to show emotion

and most of all...

My life has been very very hard - but I've still come out the other side to tell the tale smiling.

It's just sometimes we forget.

Metrosexual is in now... along with smoking?

2009-10-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

An article in today’s Daily Mail (I know I know, I can hear to booing and hissing from here…) has sparked great debate on a forum I frequent. Now, normally I’d just add my own little witty retort to the mix and be done with it, but this article in particular is linked to something I feel very strongly about.

Smoking.

My hatred of smoking is pretty well known by those who’ve known me longer than 5 minutes. I hate it. It makes me feel sick to be around it, I hate the smell, and I get close to wanting to kick the living crap out of anyone who blows smoke at me or my girls or we‘re forced to breathe it in because they‘re too god damn selfish to realise the concept of personal breathing space.

For the record, I have never actually tried smoking. I‘ve never wanted to as I have hated it for as long as I can remember. But this isn’t a hatred without reason, I spent 16 years of my life surrounded by it constantly with my mum and dad both being very heavy smokers. I was constantly ill, have a cough myself like I smoked 40 a day, I was bullied for the smell of it on me and constantly told my parents were going to die because of it.

Well.. They were right. My mum died from lung cancer in 2005. After 40 odd years of addiction. I watched her slowly die from something that she had no control over. It was awful and I’m beyond understanding as to why ANYONE would willingly smoke. You know it’s bad for you, you know one day it will eventually kill you and you will leave behind a huge great gaping hole in the lives of the people you left behind that will never, ever heal.

Ok, so admittedly I’m a bit militant about it because of my mum dying. But yet, my boyfriend is a smoker. I dated a smoker for 18 months when I was 14/15. I hated it. It was disgusting, mainly because he was one of these ‘I don’t care what you think I’m going to do what I like how and when I like’ types, that and being a complete and utter cock, but I digress. I always said from that day on I wouldn’t date another smoker. And I didn’t. Up until May this year that is. Pretty much 10 years of being a good girl and sticking to my smoke-free guns.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not the lie down and take it type (There is a joke, but no, I won’t do it :D), and my boyfriend is fully aware of how much I hate it. Thankfully, he’s the courteous type. He won’t force me or the girls to be around it and knows that if he did we’d be over faster than a man who suffers from premature ejaculation in the Ann Summers bondage section. As much as I hate it and am pretty vocal about it, I can’t and wouldn’t ask him to stop. Simply because it’s not my choice. If he wants to slowly commit suicide that’s his choice as much as it upsets me to think he could end up like my mum… (ooh there I go being all militant again!). I’m not the type of person to force ultimatums on people, “I hate smoking, quit or we’re through”. I just couldn’t do that. As much as I think smokers are selfish for not considering the effects on others, I’m not selfish enough to ask someone to change the way they are to be with me. If they’re special enough, then I just put up and shut up. Ok, less so of the shut up part..

I suppose the sad fact is that as non smokers we kind of HAVE to ‘put up and shut up’. Mainly because it’s not our choice and we have no real say in what smokers do. When the smoking ban was brought out a few years back, non smokers rejoiced in the fact we’d now be able to enjoy a night out or a meal without stinking like an ashtray the next morning and waking up with that god awful smell in our hair. But now we have another problem. People still smoke, and they do it in groups where they CAN smoke. i.e. outside of entrances and in beer gardens, and speaking as a non smoker who has a lot of friends who smoke, unless you’re going to be Little Miss Social Outcast and stay indoors while all of your friends are outside lighting up then again, you have no choice. It’s a catch 22, so even with the smoking ban, we STILL get to wake up stinking, kiss guys who taste like ashtrays and put up with the wonder that is 2nd hand smoke.

But this is where I come to my original point… the article which has caused so much debate on a forum I frequent.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-566351/The-electric-cigarette-gives-nicotine-hit-gets-round-smoking-ban.html

Electronic cigarettes, smoke free, and carcinogen/health effect free (subject to further testing obviously). You simply charge them up and off you go. Pure nicotine without any of the nasties, and a realistic look and ‘smoke’ effect for the Malboro Gestapo. So now us non smokers can rejoice in having to inhale nothing other than steam produced from vapourised liquid nitrogen.. Huzzah!

I have a small problem with this however. It’s glamourising smoking by portraying itself as a fashion accessory. It’s being sold as a ‘fashionable way to get around the smoking ban for all you hip young cool cats’. Fantastic. So instead of having ‘proper’ hardcore smokers with all their ‘RAWR! WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BREATHE IN CARCINOGENIC POISONOUS AIR AND MAKE EVERYONE BREATHE OUR 2ND HAND SMOKE AND YOU CAN’T STOP US! RAWR!’, we’ll have a bunch of metrosexuals and wannabe fashionistas flouncing about with the next generation of fashionable gadgetry. In my personal opinion, NOTHING looks more common than smoking, and nothing looks more tacky than someone smoking thinking they look ‘cool’. But I digress…

So then what happens… “I’ve forgotten to charge my cigarettes, but hang on, I’m addicted to the nicotine.. Oh god oh god oh god” *goes out and buys normal cigarettes, aforementioned catch 22 resumes, person dies an untimely death a few decades later*

I personally think they’re marketing this all wrong. These could be used as a really successful quit smoking aid, and personally, I think they’re going to end up doing more harm than good. They should be trying to help people quit altogether, not glamourise it and make it ‘cool’ again. How long would it be until they find out that these are harmful, and people start dropping dead from their internal organs being frozen by the liquid nitrogen vapour they THOUGHT was steam?

“Would you like an Icepop Johnny? Sure! Here, have my lung on a stick…”

fan-fucking-tastic.

"We hold these truths to be self evident..

2009-10-13T14:34:00.000-07:00

...that all men are created equal.."

Uh, no. Sorry Mr Jefferson. While you may have been well intentioned when you decided to include that little ditty in the Declaration of Independence. You are, in fact, wrong. I'm making the general assumption here that by referring to 'men', he was in fact referring to man as in the human race, rather than men. For all we know Mr Jefferson could've been a sexist bigot, but hey, who are we to judge colonial America.. I'm sure they MEANT well when they stole all the Native Americans' land for their own and burned thousands of women in the Salem Witch Trials.. but hey... let's not digress.

My point is simple. We are not equal. Whilst we may all share the same basic genetic structure and we are all of course the same species (although even that is debatable considering SOME of the 'specimens' of the human race I've had the misfortune of knowing..) we are in no way equal. All people are humans. That is where the similarity stops. While the media may enjoy force feeding us the whole crock of crap that is women are now equal to men and all that bullshit, the realism of it is in fact, rubbish. Women still earn less on average than their male counterparts, and men still see women as the 'good little wifeys' as characterised by the 1950's etc. Women cook, women clean, we pop out the next generation of their super egotiscial empire, but we can't be smarter, or more successful, or wealthier, or happier, or more talented, etc etc etc, than men.

But it doesn't end there. Sex, religion, race, age, intelligence, personality, humour, dress sense, complete and utter mental retardation.. we are not equal.

A little exercise for you, simply to prove my point.

Think of someone you know. Now, name 5 things that they share the exact same characteristic as you. For example, income, job, family circumstances, intelligence, qualifications.. just to give you some ideas. Can you? No. Exactly.

Fundamentally to all be equal, we would all have to be the same. We're not, and we never will be, and therefore we will never be equal.

Ok, so admittedly maybe this is a small rant, and the trigger of this rant was something that happened to me the other day. I was basically the victim of ageism/sexism at work. I saw a client, and was basically told that I couldn't know anything because I was young, and therefore he didn't believe me. Fair enough. I also picked up on him feeling threatened by the fact a (young) woman knew more than him.

Now, I'm not petty. But I have to admit, that if I ever come across anything like this, it's always men feeling inferior or threatened. Maybe our old traditions from past generations are struggling to be killed off, who knows, but it sucks to be on the receiving end of it.

I think it's just a male ego thing.

And yes, I am being slightly (if tongue in cheek) sexist here. Where men and women are concerned we are definitely not equals. I doubt sometimes we are even the same species. The men are from Mars women are from Venus stuff? Bullcrap. That would mean that mean have some kind of similar link, if on a very rudimentary level. Martians and Venusians (I have NO idea if that's what we would be called..) would mean that we are both species of alien. And therefore would be linked, in the being an alien aspect.

I seriously doubt we are that closely linked. I believe that it is more something like... women are oxygen (Essential for all of life, provider of sustenance and energy, and also potential of great destruction if combined with the right elements.) and men are like..... toenail clippings. ie useless and hurt if you come across them on accident. THAT is more like how Men and Women are related. ie WE'RE NOT. Men are just an entity unto themselves (Pretty sure they say the same about us too.. but we know the truth... they don't. The 'tards.). They're a weird breed. Painfully simple, and yet impossible to figure out. Like... painting by numbers, but you have to mix all the colours yourself, you're missing the colours black and white, and your paintbrush is, infact, a chicken nugget.

I've given up trying to understand them. As soon as I think I've figured them out, they change. Like if you finally figure out how to play basketball, but then the court changes to an ice hockey rink. It's impossible.

So ladies, I have one piece of advice for you.

Accept the fact that we'll never understand how they work, but also gloat in the knowledge that we will always, always, be the superior race. ;)

Past experience is not always a good thing.

2009-10-12T06:38:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I'd gotten over my irational fear of being in relationships, I have an "Eeeeeeeeeek!" moment. No reason, no rationalisation, just a fleeting feeling of 'Oh my god I'm in deep and that's scary!'. I should clarify that this is in no way because of him. I love my boyfriend. More than even I probably think about. It's taken a fair while to get to here, as he knows. Not because of him, he's wonderful and one of the few men I've met who is just himself and doesn't put on this false facade to try and attract women. The real reason is because of my past, well, 'experiences' with men. These admittedly have been mostly within the past year, and I basically became afraid of falling in love. To me Love = Pain, hurt, heartache, tears... and so I shut off. I didn't trust any man, didn't believe their intentions, their motives, I didn't actually think that any man can be worthy of putting my heart on the line again.

And then I got closer to my now-boyfriend. We'd been friends for ages. A good 1 1/2 - 2 years before we got together. He's had a thing for me for a fair while before we did eventually get together. He wasn't exactly subtle thinking about it, even if he meant to be, but at it actually took him telling me to realise it, at which point I was going through a whole load of shit with someone else and couldn't really take it in properly. That shit took me a long long time to get over. Or should I say it took me a long time to get over him and what happened, and because of that I wasn't myself for a long time. Earlier in the year he (my now boyfriend) and I actually fell out because of all the shit that was going on. So I had a spell of about 2-3 months where I had very little contact from either the guy who caused me the heartache, and my now-boyfriend. In this couple of months I sorted myself out. And then when I started talking to my now-boyfriend and we got closer and eventually started dating. However, I was still scarred by the previous events which left me really hesitant to take the chance again.

But, I gave it a shot, and here I am. :) Happily in love with my boyfriend, and bar a couple of clashes of stubborness (we're faaar too similar in that.. lol) things have been great. We've now been together nearly 5 months, and for the first time in a loooong time I'm feeling much better about myself and less blinded by fear of the whole 'L' word.

The odd thing being that today I had a fleeting 'eeeeeeeeek' moment. Out of the blue. For no real reason other than I think I scared myself with how much I've let go of the whole fear thing. The fear was my safety blanket. The fear was going to stop me getting hurt and heartbroken again. But now I'm relinquished that, I'm running on blind faith in him not breaking my heart, which is a scary concept for me. I feel out of sorts when I can't control situations. Ok, that sounds bad, I mean control as in it's my responsibility for my own happiness and security, and to essentially hand that over to someone else is rather daunting.

And yes, I'm fully aware that I overanalyse things. It's just how I am. I think too much. This is more just a general musing about how much I've changed emotionally in the past 5 months. I'm only blogging about it because I've finally realised that I've crossed a huuuuge step for me. I've let myself fall in love again and put my heart on the line. THAT'S whats scary. I'm back to the old me of taking chances and 'feeling' again, instead of shutting off my heart to the world. And finally back to the thinking of even if it does go wrong and I get heartbroken, all of this will have still been worth it, because right now I'm feeling great, very much in love and very, very happy. :)

What a difference a day/month/year makes..

2009-10-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's beena fair while since I last blogged. But there's been so much change. I suppose part of me not blogging has simply because things have been so busy and I've had my mind so focused on other things.

The main thing of course being the car/money situation. Well I'm happy to report now that I have my car! :D After 4 long months of heartache and saving I finally have a car. I have to admit that possibly about 70% of it was thanks to help from my dad, and I'll remain ever grateful to him for everything that he's done since my ex screwed me over back in May. But now I have my car. I've had it exactly a week today. :) And in that week I've possibly driven nearly 250 miles and used nearly a whole tank of petrol enjoying my new found freedom lol. I've been to see friends, I've done proper food shopping at tesco instead of being ripped off by my local village store, I've done things with the girls.. it's been such a lifeline I can't even begin to describe it. Finally I can do things of my terms and it will eventually (I hope) open up new prospects for employment and just generally lead me to a more successful life.

As cheesy as that sounds, you don't realise how much you need a car until A) you lose it and B) you get it back again! :)

Money wise the situation is going to have a few iffy patches coming up. Obviously adjusting to having the additional running costs of car ownership, plus my ex has decided to cut my child maintenance. I won't go into that on here. You never know who is reading but it's going to make things potentially very difficult for me for the interim. The joys of the benefits system and no doubt I'll end up with another overpayment and blah blah blah yadda yadda. Just wish things could be agreed and then stuck to. Save messing me and the girls around. *sigh* But of course I have no control over it... but aaaaaaaaaanyway, I digress.

Job wise I'm still doing the same as I was, it's getting a lot of work now. and it's difficult juggling general advice and debt casework but I'm slowly getting used to accepting that sometimes you can't do everything at once and it's helping me start prioritising and reorganising myself.

Along with work I've now starting my Open University Social Sciences course, the first essay of which is du the 3rd Nov :eek: but I'm currently a couple of weeks ahead with that :) Tis interesting so far but not really linked to economics etc at the mo but it's all good and will link in eventually :)

The girls are well, Ashli is LOVING school, she can't wait to go each day, and KK is happy as a clam. Individually theya re wonderful angels capable of no evil.. but when they're togeeeeeeether... :\ lol

So although my current life is non stop, chaotic, busy and generally stressful, I still wouldn't change a thing. It may not be perfect, but where's the fun in perfection? It's the little oddities and the things that crop up which inevitably make us remember what's so great about the good things that happen. It enhances our appreciation for when things go well.

Funny old world we live in.. this time last year I'd split up with my husband and started becoming properly involved with my ex best friend ie 'theguyIwaswithbutwasn'twithbutwasbutonlyonhistermsbutwasiwithhimornot' guy. I still haven't blogged on that properly.. but I'm getting to the point where I don't think about it anymore. I'm sad I lost the friendship, as he now won't speak to me at all. I'd like to think that he'd like to be adult about it and at least talk to me, rather than doing the current thing of pretending I don't exist... but ho hum. Whatever helps him sleep at night. I'm not losing sleep over it. The live I have now is better than anything I had this time last year, all bar a few ups and downs. I have wonderful children, wonderful friends, a truly wonderful boyfriend who means the world to me (AND who hasn't broken my heart or treated me like shit, but there's still time on that one! lol /end cyniscism) and generally life is good.

Now... if I could just get a full time job, and more financial security I'd be laughing.

You hear me karma? Hello?...... helloooooooooooooo?? ....

God damn it.

My own worst enemy

2009-09-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

I certainly didn't gain the Emotard title for nothing. I have no idea what's wrong with me tonight but I'm all over the place so I have taken a step back from civilised society and just sat and moped. Hence the blog title. I guess I'm just having one of those overthinking nights. I'm worried about my health issues... I'm not sure if I've gone into detail on here considering the personal nature, but to cut a long story short I'm now awaiting an appointment with a specialist to try and figure out what's going on. The more I wait, the more my mind goes AWOL and the more I worry. I'm lying awake at night thinking all sorts, I'm panicking at any kind of 'symptoms'. I have crossed the line into full blown hypochondria. It's ridiculous and I know it's irrational. But all I can think is, what if?

Admittedly, this is a very bad time of year for this to be happening. VERY bad. On the 14th September it's the anniversary of my mum's death. 4 years to the day. Not that the 4 years makes it easier. Tonight for example I just sat and cried for a while about it. Thinking about how much I missed her and how much I wish she was around at times like this. She died of lung cancer, and my grandad had cancer, although he survived. So the family history isn't helping the paranoias and hypochondria. Also when I saw the doctor last week she mentioned about something to do with a family history of strokes, and a possible inherent blood clotting problem? Which of course could mean anything. Frankly I've no idea anymore. I'm sick of worrying and getting upset about it. My head is blowing everything out of proportion. I'm fully aware of that. But I can't help it. It's not me I'm worried about really. It's the girls. The worry has sparked off thoughts of 'what if... what would happen to them' and of course it escalates from there. Thoughts of not seeing them grow up etc, I suppose perfectly natural for a parent and not exactly something I've not thought about before. I think every parent has. Being a parent makes you very aware of your own mortality.

I need to get a grip. I need to get a grip and stop stressing about things I can't control and overthinking. Yes, I've got a problem. It could be something, it could be nothing. All I can do is wait, and concentrate on getting past the anniversary of my mum's death without breaking down too much.

Time is a healer, but sometimes it hurts just as bad.

it's oh so quiet... do do do doooo...

2009-09-08T02:06:00.001-07:00

... do do do dooo.. do do do doooo dooo dooo.. ssssssssssssssh...

This morning is one of those mornings that are milestones in the whole journey of parenthood. This morning I sent my first born to school for the first time. Ash of course took it in her stride, I don't think I've ever SEEN a child so excited. This morning my alarm went off and I was greeted by a rumbling thunder of stampeding hooves running into my room...

"MUMMY!!! IT'S TIME FOR BIG SCHOOL!!!!! GET DRESSED FOR BIG SCHOOOL MUMMMMMMMMMMYYYY GET UUUUUUUUUUP!!!"

So through bleary eyes I lay in bed and watched her get herself dressed, then brush her teeth, without me having to help once. It was almost like being in a time warp, all I can remember is when I used to be able to cradle her in one arm and she was completely and utterly helpless. Now she was getting herself ready to go to school for the first time.

My god I feel old. lol!

I met up with one of my LBF's Fee who's daughter is in the year above. Ash and Tiff got on like a house on fire and as soon as we got into the school gates they ran off and started playing. Of course KK wanted to join in, and she got quite upset when the whistle went and all the children lined up and went in, as she wanted to go too, bless her.

So now we're home after a quick trip to the shops. It's so quiet it's unbelievable. If anything it's making me realise how much harder it is having 2 compared to 1. It's far more than double the work. KK is quite happily entertaining herself, occasionally asking after Ash and wanting to get her from school. It's quite sweet and it's obvious she misses her. Even though they sometimes fight like cat and dog they love each other really. I think it's just a sister thing to pretend they hate each other sometimes. lol

So here we are. A new era I suppose, officially a school run mum, quieter days and finally able to be able to go back to work once I get a car and find a job.

Still strange though... it's not quite the same without the same chaos that 2 children bring...

Saving Suckiness

2009-09-03T06:23:00.000-07:00

Saving for something sucks. Big time.

I'm doing really well with my car savings. But at the moment I'm in that crappy position of 'so close but yet so far'. I currently have £820.07 plus £92.52 to come from work expenses. I should've had the cheque by now but still haven't... very frustrating but hopefully I'll get it tomorrow. Fingers crossed anyway. That'll mean I have £910ish. Woo! I've been looking at a lot of KAs for sale locally and on ebay and am definitely set on getting one. Theoretically I could get one with the money I have. I've seen quite a few. But if I can hold out a bit longer and get to £1500 then I'd be able to be a bit pickier and get something that isn't ancient with tonnes of miles on it. It's just a question of patience and putting up with being skint and unable to really go anywhere except work at the moment.

Today some more things have gone into the paper, so fingers crossed they sell. I haven't heard anything yet. But there's still time. Still hoping for that lottery win too.. fat chance of that though lol. Have also been doing some things to cut down my monthly expenditure. Have switched my gas and electric, saving approx £6 a month, and gone through quidco for £62 cashback. Have also written to Orange complaining, as they agreed to drop my tariff back in April when I renewed and it STILL hasn't been swapped, so I've complained asking for them to correct it and reduce the tariff to £15 from £30 plus give me a refund of the extra charges since april.. so that'll be a nice little amount if I win. Fingers crossed! I just need to look into my phone/broadband now and see if I can find anyone cheaper. Have also cut my spending budget in half for the time being. I'm rarely going out. If I buy anything it's for the girls or housekeeping stuff. I'm just not spending any money on myself at the moment as I can't justify it as the need for a car is greater. So at the moment I'm just going without and the money saved is going towards a car basically.

Obviously not having as much of a life at the moment... haven't been out for lunches/dates with my boyfriend in ages, although he has also been ill. But I suppose one of the big factors is that as much as I want to, it just comes down to me feel guilty at not being able to contribute to the cost. I'm very stubborn and want to support myself, so sometimes I'm very begrudging in letting others pay for things. I'm sure Ian will back me up on that. I have a real problem with wanting to be sefl sufficient and if I can't be or can't pay my share of something it really knocks my self esteem. But at the mo I've got no choice which I suppose is one of the reasons I've not been suggesting going out etc to Ian and Cel or other friends. If I've gone out with friends I've barely spent anything unless it was necessary. The last money I spent going out was £1.05 for a whole weekend and that was for a donation to the hospice in which my mum was cared for when she was dying. Although not an essential expense, one i felt was justified. But even then I felt guilty when friends were buying me water or something. It's quite sad really. Hell, I've even stopped buying breakfast on the way to work simply to save the £3.38. I think the last time I spent proper money was on a cinema trip with my best friend Cel. Even then I felt bad for spending the money but it was very much worth it for a bit of an escape from frugalness. Plus it was a great movie.. lol

It does get to a point where I think it's quite sad. That I've been resorted to basically giving up having money, simply to be able to get something I need. It does get me down a little bit I'll be honest. Having to scrimp and save so much in the vain hope that it'll allow me to get out of this rut and get back into a normal life and off benefits. It's very demoralising. But for the moment I'm doing well with my saving and putting aside literally every spare penny. Hopefully it'll be worth it in the end and I'll be able to get back on track and start living again without having to think whether it'll cost me money I can't afford...

Oh well. Let's just hope it all pays off.

I often wonder though, when I do have the money and am able to get a car... will I find it hard to actually hand over the savings which I've scrimped and saved and sacrificed everything to be able to attain?

Guess only time will tell on that one.

phew what a weekend.

2009-08-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is possibly going to sound really harsh, but I love my weekends without the girls. I equally love my weekends WITH the girls for different reasons don't get me wrong... but it's nice to have 'me' time and recharge the batteries.

Hmm.. maybe recharge the batteries is a bad choice of phrase.. as I'm usually out on friday and saturday nights til late enjoying time with my friends, and recently because I've been so skint and saving every penny for a car I have had to take my dad's car back to him early in the morning.. so no lie ins either. But it's all good. In total this weekend I have spent £1.59. lol The benefits of driving and not drinking :D No hangover.... physically OR financially. lol

Financially I'm all good. After my minor (ok major) moan the other day I actually realised that my child support had gone in late, so all was well in the end and I managed to save some extra money towards my car fund. I also managed to adjust my budget to save some MORE spare cash. Tonight I have my ebay winner collecting my old bass guitar for another £50.. one of my friends Fee has bought a full tin of paint off me for £10, so that's gone in the car fund..

So at the moment it currently stands at...
*drumroll*

£530.34 in the bank
£10 from Fee
£50 from my bass buyer
£92.52 CAB expenses which I should get the cheque for in the coming week.
= £682.86

Woohoo :D

Today I also put 6 items on to go in this weeks local paper ater having a massive sort out of the girls' room, so that should be about another £60 if they all sell. My dad has also promised to give me another £100 on wednesday, but I don't hold my breath with any of his promises, so it's always a bonus if he does come good :)

Planning on also having a big sort out of my room, and also my store room. I can almost guarantee there will be sellable things in the store room. It's piled high with crap that I just have nowhere else to store them.

Also yesterday I opened a savings account and set up a Direct debit to put £10 a week in it. Almost a forced savings plan :D It's higher interest and not directly linked to my current account so will be much better to prevent me frittering money away. :D

All in all a very successful weekened.. full of fun but still making actual progress with the car fund too.

It's nice to have a target to work towards... I'm going to be sooooooo thrilled when I finally get there after all this hard work. It's been tough but it's slowly but surely paying off :D

Good times :)

Who'd want an easy life...

2009-08-25T11:57:00.001-07:00

ME that's who.

Ok.. I will warn you this may turn into another self indulgent rant, in which case I whole heartily apologise. But I'm fairly sure that my friends and loved ones are sick to death of hearing about it.. so I thought I'd rant on here instead. Sorted.

As is well documented, I'm currently in a shite situation with regard to money. If I'm honest I'm just scraping by at the minute alright. I can pay my bills, I'm not in arrears with anything, meeting my commitments and generally managing to have an alright life really all things considering. But things are tight. Very tight. Mainly, admittedly, because I am trying my damned hardest to save every spare penny towards a car. Ok, ok... so this hardship is possibly fairly majorly self induced. At the moment, literally EVERY spare penny is going towards my car fund. This has meant I've sacrificed pretty much all of my spending money other than essentials and very very veeery occasion small treats... like my usual Mcdonalds breakfast before work. But even that is going to have to go now for reasons I'll explain in a bit.

But... I'm happy to say it's slowly but surely paying off. Car savings currently stand at..

£360.58 in the bank
£51.01 to come from an ebay sale (end of the week hopefully)
£92.52 work expenses (should get the cheque in the next week)
£46.58 transferring over from paypal as we speak, should clear by end of the week..
= £550.69

:D

But... I have a small problem. My previous budgets that I'd worked out to be able to save as much as I have over the past couple of weeks have not included one minor detail. The fact that I have the majority of my household bills going on at the beginning on September. *sigh*

If I can get past this coming week I'll be ok. Just about anyway. I just need to get to next friday. God this sucks. I have approximately £120 worth of bills going out before then. And guess how much income I have.. £150. Joy. So I have to go... *counts* 10 days, on £30. That's £3 a day. ooooooooooh fun! Considering I can easily spent £30 on a night out... and half that on ONE trip to the cinema... I'm going to be spending bugger all on anything for me. Food and the girls come first and it's tight as it is so it's going to have to be a case of I go without. Simple as.

Until next tuesday I actually don't have any spare money at all. I'm actually about 40p in debt to my savings at the moment because I had to but some essential food earlier. So I'm fairly screwed in that sense if anything comes up.

*Sar listens to the faint murmuring in the background...*

Yea. I know. I know exactly what you're thinking.

"Why the hell doesn't she use her savings?"

Well... simple (although maybe illogical) reason really. I don't want to. I have worked my ass off scrimping and saving to get the money that I have saved. It's been really, really really hard and to have as much as I do has been a massive achievement for me personally. I know it's not much by anyone's standards but it's a lot to me. Having nothing makes you value what you do have even more. If I use my savings now, it'll easily be frittered away, with a 'promise' to replace it....

I don't want that. I NEED a car. It's the only way I'm going to be able to drive (pun unintended) myself forward and get out of this rut. To give in now and use my savings will just put me further back. And god knows it's been difficult enough as it is. I'm not giving in now. Not now I've finally started making some headway.

Please don't get me wrong. If I need to, I will. But, if I can manage on what I have for the time being til things get better then that's what I'm going to do. I'm not giving up when I've come this far.

It's been really difficult up to now. So what's a little bit longer?

The Birth Stories of my girls.

2009-08-23T07:51:00.001-07:00

When both my girls were born I posted 'Birth Stories' on a website called Babyworld.co.uk which I used at the time... I found them today.. and thought I would blog them :)

Ashli

"Little one's EDD was 7th March 2005, of course it came and went, and little one decided to be a fashionably late, 10 days over. We went in at 8.30am on Thursday 17th March (St patricks day of all days..) to be induced at Stafford General Hospital. We were checked over on arrival and a trace done of Ashli which showed everything was fine. I'd been having period type pains all morning and hadn't thought anything of them and just put them down to eating something bad, but the trace showed that it looked like they were early labour contractions so I was given an internal to see what was happening. Turned out that I was already 2-3cms dilated which amazed me as I'd only been feeling the pains since I woke up that morning! So anyway, they decided I didn't need the pitocin gel to start things off as they'd already started, and so opted to break my waters instead.

I was taken down to delivery suite and they were broken in quite spectacular fashion at 1.10 pm. Let's just say that a tidal wave had nothing on me and even the midwife had to dodge the torrent of water that came out..lol. If I remember right she described it as 'fishing boots time' lol. I was suprised how much there was and that it didn't seem to want to stop!
I was monitored for the rest of the afternoon til 5, by which point the contractions were getting quite bad but weren't regular, so I was having gas and air which made me temporarily insane and laugh for about 15 mins straight. (at the end me and Steve were both sat on the bed with tears streaming down our faces it was that funny..).

At 5ish I had another internal to check things and I was only 'a good 3 cms' dilated, so it was decided that they'd hook me up to a oxytocin drips to get things moving properly and having that put it was actually more brutal than the contractions I was feeling! Apparently I have 'bendy' veins??

The pain was getting bad and things were starting to get worse very quickly so I asked for an epidural only to be told I couldn't have one for another hours or so due to staffing so I had to have some pethidine, which didn't do much apart from make me a zombie inbetween. When the epidural finally arrived I was in so much agony I just wanted it to be all over. I think I had the epidural about 9/10 oclock. I can't remember that well as my mind was pretty blurred from the pain and I don't remember much from about 7 oclock because things were happening so quickly.

TO cut a long story short my labour was recorded as being 4 and a bit hours with Ashli being born after 26 mins of pushing at 23.51. I had gas and air, pethidine and an epidural, all of which did bugger all when things starting progressing because it was all happening so quickly. I didn't tear (amazingly as her head was 37cms! and she was 8lbs 4!) but I did have one stitch for a 'nick' in the vaginal wall. I bled quite a lot and had to have an extra injection to stop the bleeding, but everythings fine now.

The labour was horrific and I've never know so much pain. I turned into something out of the evil dead, screaming and shouting, saying I couldn't so it and I wanted to go home (What exactly was I going to do when I got there???) but in the end it's all worth it. Feeling Ashli come out was a bizarre experience but I'd go through it all again because she's just so perfect.

Next time I'll just make sure I ask for the damn epidural as soon as I get there.

It sounds cheesy but I really couldn't have done it without Steve. I literally had no control because of the pain and without him I probably wouldn't have handled it as well. He was my rock and the only one I could rely on. His support played a huge part in it and I'm so glad he was there. I don't know what I would've done without him. "

Kaitlyn -

"On Sunday 28th January I was woken at 5 am by regular strong braxton hicks. I'd also been having them every 10 mins the evening before so was convinced 'this was it'. Imagine my disappointment when at 7am they all stopped completely!!! Monday morning (29th jan) I was woken at 5am with exactly the same thing, except this time accompanied by strong period pains. They gradually went to 10 mins apart and we were so convinced it was proper labour Steve stayed off work and we called MIL and SIL to put them on red alert.
9am came..and they stopped again! Argh! Called my midwife who told me to go for a walk to see if they'd start again and that she'd come see me later to check out if anything was happening.
Got back from my walk at 10.50 to find the contractions had returned and were 20 mins apart. When the midwife showed up at 12ish they were 10 mins apart and she said to go for another walk and call the hospital if they carried on every 10 mins.
So we slapped on my tens machine, took 2 paracetamol and went down the village to get some lunch and when we got back at 2.45 the contractions were 6 mins apart, and with every one they were coming closer and closer until we called the hospital at 3 and they were 3 mins apart. They said to go in if I felt I needed more pain relief and I'm glad we did! SIL arrived at 3.25 to take us to hospital and the contractions were 2 mins apart. Got to the hospital at 4 and was booked in and checked out and everything was fine.
Was examined around 5.20 and found to be 7cm dilated so they broke my waters and I started gas and air as it was too late for anything else.From then on everything happened very quickly and they contractions were soon back to back and I felt an incredibly pressure and urge to push. At this point I was trembling terribly and sobbing uncontrolably as our wedding first dance song came on the cd player and I was inconsolable sayign I couldn't do it/screaming etc etc as the pain was unbearable as I was only on gas and air.
Kaitlyn was born at 6.02 after 20 mins of pushing (official labour time was 2 3/4 hours.) weighing 8lb 2 and 52cm long using just gas and air. No stitches and no problems and she had 2 good breastfeeds soon after so we were allowed to go home at 8.45. Kaitlyn's beautiful and I think I'm still in shock from the sheer speed of everything and I couldn't have done it without Steve, he really was my rock and I wouldn't have made it through sane without him.
Feeling exhausted but glad it's over and we've finally got our baby Kaitlyn! We won't be doing that again in a hurry though! Feeling very sore but very very happy.

Here's a pic, should be interesting introducing her to big sister Ashli tomorrow who is currently in bed none the wiser to the new arrival!!!"

[Funny how things work out.... oh well.. marriages come and go, but kids are forever! - Sar]

Much weirdness

2009-08-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a new moon, so I did some 'new moon prayers'. Although I previously blogged about my beliefs and me being wiccan/pagan, I don't think I've even actually mentioned anything about my rituals. I could be wrong, my head's a bit mong at the mo for some reason. I often get weird feelings and things during rituals. It's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't actually felt it or thinks it's all a pile of new agey crap. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is 'zoning out'. I go into a bit of a blur, can't focus on sounds or images, I just kind of, it sounds crazy but, go into myself and it's not like I'm in my body anymore, like I'm floating just outside it. That's the best way I can describe it. When I get like that I tend to see, hear or feel things. Sometimes they're obvious sometimes they're not.

Tonight was no exception, although for some reason tonight was stranger than usual. I did my usual prayers and incantations, but then my chest went tight and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I carried on, but I went really really spaced out very quickly. Usually at this point I would see/hear and feel things and it usually takes a little while to get to that point, but this time was literally 10 mins i that. Then I saw a motorcycle. Just a random image that flashed up. But then nothing. I felt weird and I can't pinpoint how it felt or why, but I had a deep down feeling of something being different. Like something changed or was about to change but I have no idea what. Then I said aloud ''Is there anything you want me to see?'' and a horseshoe flashed up. I've seen a horseshoe before, the last time being on the 30th April according to my ritual book. Oddly enough, I just checked and the 30th April was also a thursday. I'd seen a fair few other things that ritual. Including hearing something that I've yet to figure out yet. "A tree grows up from the roots and down from the branches". I just wish I could figure out what it means. I remember at the time googling it and finding something but I can't remember what or whether it was relevant in the end. Will have to have another google I think. Or keep an eye out or anything that might help it make sense.

Anyway, I'm rambling..

I did my prayers asking for an end to my money worries and help to get a car, and for my boyfriend to get better (he's not been well)... and all throughout it felt like I wasn't in myself, it's very weird to explain. I was talking, but it was like I wasn't in my own body like I said earlier, and I felt like I was swaying from side to side even though I wasn't. Was very strange and although I get similar sometimes I don't get it to that degree.

Hmmmm interesting. Now I'm just mulling over everything. I feel fine now. Just tired (fairly standard after prayers) so think I'm going to have an early night. Maybe my dreams will reveal more..

Flashbacks

2009-08-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

Wandering round an empty house, we looked over the objects and furniture within. These weren't just bog standard objects or bits of tat. They were memories, they had meanings and sentimentality. These things belonged to someone, so how can you just walk in and take them?

''Oh yes I'll have that table over there, that'll go lovely with my decor..''

Literally weeks earlier that table was being used by it's owner, possibly securely holding up a half full coffee cup, eavesdropping in on the cheerful banter as per normal... years of use and purpose... years of belonging and being taken for granted. Now reverted to just a 'thing' that'll do. It'll suffice... it isn't ugly, so ''Yea, I'll 'av that''.
If that table were alive and capable of emotion, it would be quietly sobbing where it stood. For this heartless new owner... pfft... what do they know. They don't care. They just want to lump their sweaty feet on it and abuse it. A mere 'thing'.. and another factor in the circle of life easily overlooked.

Today I was taken to my dad's ex-wife's house. In the past few weeks she has been taken permanently into a care home. She's lacking mental capability enough to look after herself, and they had no option but to put her into care and rent out her, now empty and unwillingly abandoned house. However renting out the house involved it being rented unfurnished, and with that, clearing out all of her belongings.

So my dad took me along. "you might find something you need for your house!" he said. So begrudgingly I agreed. I never knew her properly. I'd maybe spoken to her once or twice, never in great detail. She was my mum's predecessor. The love my dad had before he met my mum. To me she was like a rival, oddly. She was the 'other woman' in my dad's life. I didn't have any problem with her. I just... found it strange I suppose. I agreed to go as otherwise the stuff would end up in some 'man with a van' house clearance place, and I thought it better that things go to 'family' rather than some two bit white van man. So off we went to pick out anything we might want.

We arrived and I had a shock to see my sister was there, and my niece. Who I haven't seen in god knows how many years. I've never been close to my family. At all. I've always kept myself to myself and seeing as my family are spread as far and wide as Seattle and Germany it's hard to stay in contact. My sister lives in Derby so it made sense for her to be in change of sorting out her mum's belongings. I should explain that I have 3 brothers and a sister. My sister and one of my brothers are from my dad's marriage to his ex wife. My other 2 brothers are from my mum's marriage to her exhusband. Still with me? I'm the only devilspawn of my mum and my dad. But they have other children. So I suppose that would make my siblings half brothers and sisters really, but what's in a name? They may as well be strangers really. I never speak to them.

When I walked in I was really taken aback. My sister looked, just, empty I suppose. My immediate thought is that I must've looked similar when I was doing the same for my mum. And with that thought I started to think about my mum, and how I had been in my sister's shoes just under 4 years ago. Clearing out her mum's belongings and trying to keep yourself together while the rest of your world is falling apart. I mumbled a brief "Y'alright?" before concentrating my efforts on controlling the 3 children we had in tow with us. We wandered around the house. And all I could think about is the things this house and all these possessions had seen, and just how tragic it all was. Merely weeks ago she was at home, trying to carry on with life as best as she could with her failing health and mental state.
I walked around the house in a kind of blur. It was almost like walking through a memorial. Bed sheets untouched as they'd been she she left, half drunk bottles of wine on the side, DVD's by the tv lazily not returned to their boxes... it was almost as if she'd just popped out to the shops. Nothing apart from the gloomy atmosphere between the adults in the house suggested that this wasn't someones home anymore, and that she'd never be coming back.

It was far too easy to put myself back 4 years. Doing exactly the same walking round my mum's house. Picking up objects with tears in my eyes remembering fragments of memories and bleary flashbacks to happier times. It's just so heartless and cruel, to pick up an object and decide whether it's worthy of surviving the cull. I could've taken everything from my mum's. But I'd never have had the room. So having to go through wave after wave of memory and decide what to take and what to clear out was agonising. All the time you're having to deal with the grief of your loss, and the memories making everything a million times harder, as well as the guilt of having to get rid of things that you know your mum cherished and took pride in, and built the foundations for her life on. And there you were, just chucking them into a bin bag because they didn't fit the 'suitability criteria'...

When I left my dad's ex-wife's house I couldn't even look at my sister. Or anyone for that matter. I just felt numb. I just kept seeing my mum, and the empty shell of a house that I left after I'd had to clear out her house.

The circle of life is a bitch. A cruel, heartless, unmerciful bitch.

A confession.

2009-08-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

Wow... so my intention WAS to blog about my 'grand financial plan' but seeing as that was about a week ago it seems that I've been a touch busy! I've been working hard taking on my first debt case at work which is very exciting, and also having a busy social life since I last wrote.. it's nice to be busy. I really enjoy it. Considering I have spent the past.... *count* 4 years, basically, as a stay at home mum, being 'work busy' is a welcome change and I revel in it. I'm no good as a stay at home mum. I NEED adult contact. I need conversation. I need stimulation (fnaaaaaaaaar...!) and more than anything I need a 'me' life. I am not just 'mum' and when I start to feel like that I get very depressed and angsty. When it comes down to it?

I hate being a stay at home mum.

There, I said it. I just can't do it. I know a few people who are stay at home mums and they are amazing at it. They take the ups and the downs, not neccesarily with a smile but always with utter devotion to the 'stay at home mum cause'. I have SO much respect for people like that. I find it astonishing that people can essentially sacrifice a part of themselves and become 'mum' 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

But I just can't do it. Please don't get me wrong, I love my children beyond words, I would do anything for them. But that's exactly the reason I HAVE been a stay at home mum. If it were up to me I'd be at work full time now. I did it for them. They were my driving force and the reason I have sacrificed so much. It comes with the territory when you're a mother. It's unquestionable. Infallable.

I have no regrets of anything up to now. My children are 2 and 4, and I have given them the best start in life that I could possibly could. It's not been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and there's plenty I'd change if I could. But I don't think I've done too badly up to now. I'll make up the sacrifices to them one day. But for the moment they're happy, healthy, and (generally) loving well rounded kids. I like to think I've done an ok job, albeit not perfect.

Not they're older I'm trying to reclaim 'me'. I've been working hard towards a career and financial stability, as well as a life for myself away from the 'mum' tag. And so far it's going pretty well.. I have some wonderful friends, the best social life I've had for years and am in a much much better position that I have been. Things are still hard, especially where money is concerned, but on the whole life is good. Earlier in the year I put together a plan for coming year. I wish I could find it, but I'm fairly sure I'd be able to tick a fair few things off now. :) Sometimes I really don't think about how lucky I am, and only focus on the difficulties. Admittedly it's hard not to when life has a penchant for biting you in the ass, as this year has proven.

One of the positives to report is that, by the end of August (Bar any nasty suprises.. I may be optimistic, but I'm not unrealistic..) I'll have £415 saved towards a car minimum. I have put some items on ebay, so we shall see if that brings in any extra, but so long as I stick to my budget I'll have £415 towards my freedommobile. It's not much.. and it's a long hard slog... but even the smallest steps get you where you're going eventually.

Whatever happens I'm proud of myself for managing as I have been. When you're faced with so much adversity sometimes you need to sit back and be thankful for the little achievements, no matter how small, and to remember that even the little changes add up to a big change eventually. And patience is a virtue.

Better be anyway... else I'll be rather cheesed off!

;)

More frugal than a frugal thing..

2009-08-14T00:14:00.000-07:00

Gah. I hate money. Or should I say, I hate LACK of money. For years now I have been forced to live my life counting every penny and sacrficing most treats and things, either for the girls, or to repay debt, or just generally because money is tight. It's shit and makes life really hard.
I budget, I count LITERALLY every penny, I can tell you, to the nearest £1, how much my monthly bills are, and I hate it. But at the moment I'm caught in a complete catch 22.

I haven't got a car.
The work I do requires a car to cover local outreaches and get to our main office a good 17 miles away.
Because I haven't got a car I can't take on more hours at work.
Because I can't take on more hours at work I can't afford to buy a car....

and so the cycle continues.. and it sucks. Fairly officially.

I want nothing more than to go to work more. Ideally I want to do between 16 and 25 hours to fit around my eldet starting school, this will enable me to get off benefits completely, regain my feeling of self worth and self sufficiency, and because of the nature of the job I do (and it's rather nice salary) it would allow me to get rid of 'frugal' and be able to relax financially.

But... I can't.

BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD A FECKING CAR......

*sigh*

I try my hardest to save. I REALLY do. But considering I'm living off benefits, and have a large nursery bill to pay in full to be able to work as much as I do, I'm fairly screwed.

So at the moment I'm making a conscious effort to save every spare penny. I've trawled the house looking for sellable items, but because in my old debt busting days I regularly sold life and limb to claw every spare penny to repay debt, and my exhusband took a fair bit with him when he left, I have hardly anything of value.

So in a house wide search of saleable items I found...

My engagement ring..(Pfft, THAT can definately go..)
A faulty 'Guitar Hero: World Tour' Drum kit.
2 bin bags of the girls' old clothes.
An old bass guitar that I no longer use.

Approximate value if it all sells for asking price?.. £395

The adverts went into a local paper today, and so far the girls's clothes have gone. Netting me a nice £15 towards cardom.

Add that to the £40 I had in cash saved and also expenses from work to come of about £70ish... that's... £125.

Not much but it's a start. As I speak I am formulating a *plan*. A plan to save the money and get me out of this viscious cycle. Will update later...

The past has a nasty set of teeth

2009-08-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

The past has a nasty habit of coming back and biting people on the ass.

In my experience, when it does, it usually always ends badly and makes for prime ‘I told you so’ territory. The trouble is, people are naïve. “If I ignore it, it’ll all go away!” So they brush it under the carpet and lo and behold it vanishes, for a few weeks, months…. And each day that goes by stirs a little celebratory voice inside going ‘’Yeeea I got away with it..’’

But you haven’t.

That bomb is still very much ticking and is ready to blow, and is just missing the vital ingredient to make it explode.

I have never known any kind of lie, or deceit or secret, stay hidden for longer than 6 months. 6 months is the metaphorical fuse on the bomb in my world… so you’ve got 6 months to run like hell and get as far away as possible because when that sucker blows it’s taking you and everything you know out with it.

And it’s going to be you picking up the pieces. Sorry, but it’s true.

I’ve never understood why people feel the need to hide things they know damn well could pretty much demolish people or things they care about. I am the ONE PERSON out there who thinks that being straight up front and honest with people from the offset saves a lot of heartache down the line? I’m always brutally honest. I tell people how I feel if need be even if they may not like it. How else can stuff get sorted and you not spend god knows how long paranoid and not giving your all to something because you’re too worried about x,y and z coming out?

My advice? Be honest. The truth may hurt, but it’ll be a LOT less painful that if it comes out 6 months down the line and it’s proven that you’ve lied all that time.

Common sense? I think so…. Feel free to ignore me should you wish…. But don’t say I didn’t warn you…

… and expect to hear the phrase, “ I told you so.”

The birth of Emotard

2009-08-12T05:04:00.000-07:00

I’ve just realised I’ve never actually explained the significance of ‘’Emotard’’ or indeed which I now affectionately call myself it…

“Emotard”
Definition- A combination of “Emotional” and “Retard”, may or may not bare relevance to the “Emo” style genre of the early 2000’s. Generally characterised by over emotion, sentimentality and general extreme displays of feelings and fuckwittedness.

I R Emotard. *waves*

I’ve always been the same, I don’t DO normal feelings, I go to the next level with them. ESPECIALLY when it comes to negative emotions like sadness. I don’t just mope.. I mope BIG STYLE. I don’t just fall for someone, I fall HARD. And When I get hurt? I hurt bad. Which is where my ‘title’ was born. Over the past year I got hurt, and I suffered for a looooooooooong long time. A ridiculously long time. Granted it wasn’t really my fault as there were other things which dragged it out, but when push came to shove I couldn’t let go and after the ‘final time’ (I’ll explain all about this another time, sorry if it doesn’t make sense at the moment..) it took me a long time before I could even feel that putting my heart on the line again was worth the risk. A new version of Emotard was born, cynical, untrusting, hurt, cold and who expected to have her heart ripped to shreds again if she put it on the line. That ‘last time’ was March, and I can say that it took until at LEAST the end of June to be able to say “Yea, it’s worth the risk” again. It’s now August and I’m glad I ‘took the plunge’ back into the world of love again, as it’s paying off. I’m still fully expecting to get hurt again, but that’s part of the inevitable cynicism I’m developed from being fucked over so many times. It’s unavoidable. But at least now I’m willing to give it a chance again. The benefit of hurting so bad and so intensely is that it gets it out of your system quicker in the most cases. Unless history repeats itself, THAT’S when you get fucked over… *rolls eyes @ the memory*

I also cry. A lot. Although thankfully not as much recently as I have done in a while. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m embarrassed, I cry when I’m stressed, I cry when I’m angry and I cry when I’m hurt. I don’t, however, cry when I’m bored, now that really WOULD be retarded.

I guess you could just say I’m very very empathic, and very in tune with my own emotions, and not afraid of showing them. Nothing wrong with that… but crying in public is just downright embarrassing.. lol

I wouldn’t change me though, being an Emotard is part of who I am, even if people do think I go to extremes sometimes. I just FEEL things. It also crosses over into my spirituality too and I’m more open to feeling things and sensing things, even if a few people do think I’m crazy, or a hapless victim of my own imagination. I believe what I believe, I feel what I feel, and feck ye if you don’t like it. :)

Stop knocking on death's door mummy, we want Dora on!

2009-08-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

7am...

''Muuuuuummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..... muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy''

*Sar opens her bleary, aching eyes, and blinded by the sun which sends searing pain through her head, stumbles half concious to her daughters' room...*

''Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?''

''I want Dora on.....''

*Sar struggles with the stair gate, her aching joints shooting needle like pains through her limbs with every movement.... she hobbles over to the tv and puts Dora on for her ever so beloved children...''

''D-D-D-D-DOOOOORA!!! D-D-D-D-D-DOOOOOORA!!!! DOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOORA THE EXPLOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!....''

*Each syllable of the hell that is Nickolodeon's finest export echoes around her head with the force of Hurricane Andrew, tearing down her immune system like a picket fence, and leaving what small amount of sanity she had left, a scattered field of primary coloured and educational debris....*

*Sar staggers across the hall, the creak of the floorboards tearing at her ears and collapses into bed, muttering faint prays to whatever the hell god is responsible for easing the pain of swine flu.. *

''............ muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy.....''

Welcome to the world of single parenthood. When you're a single parent, you are simply BANNED from being ill.

Ever. At all.

Never.

Cold? Awww shame... where's my breakfast..

Appendicitis? That much hurt! Change my nappy!

Swine flu? Oooh piggy! I'm going to have a tantrum now!

Dying? Not before you put a movie on for me.. THEN you can die..

No matter how ill you are, no matter how grave your circumstances or how rough you feel. Life HAS to go on. You can't just forgo any duties around the house or to look after them, even if the only thing that'll help you get better is 24 hour bed rest....
Yea. good LUCK. In 24 SECONDS they'll have destroyed the house, set themselves on fire, defurred the cat and eaten the entire contents of the fridge/freezer, frozen/consumable or not..

If you think about it seriously it's quite scary. There has been a few times since my exhusband and I seperated, where I have been so ill I've been on the verge of being physically unable to look after the girls, but I've had to struggle on... food poisoning was one where I demanded that my ex have time off work and had the girls for the morning as I had been up for 36 hours and spend 12 of those vomiting violently.. but that was back when we were still on speaking terms, presumably because he thought there was some hope of us getting back together.
Another time was when my health really suffered because of the hell and upset of the whole 'best friend romantic involvement' incident. In the end the stress and I guess mild depression affected my health and I became really ill, could hardly breath, had chest pains, palpitations, could hardly stand without needing to lie down.. but I had to carry on regardless. In the end after a few weeks I got better and all was well.. but at the time it was horrendous.
The most recent time being this bloody swine flu.

Still quite scary to think about... even if I keeled over seriously ill.... and I needed to go to hospital and was literally at death's door.. I'd STILL have to sort the girls out even before that.... now that's a chilling thought.... :\

An ode to swine flu in song..

2009-08-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

cough oink cough

2009-08-07T02:57:00.000-07:00

Emotard officially becomes a UK swine flu pandemic statistic... yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
*cough*

Yesterday I woke up with a slight cough, so presumed that either
A)Being in a room full of smokers the night before had wreaked havoc on my respiratory system
or
B) I had a cold coming.

By midday I was starting to feel really awful, blinding headache, deep chesty cough, aches and pains, COMPLETE loss of appetite and general lethargy, however I still went to meet the fella for lunch. He seemed to be quickly going down the same slippery slope of health I'd been going down, and had similar symptoms. Didn't think anything of it at the time, but come early afternoon I was pretty much confined to lying on the sofa or bed, feeling weak, sensitive to light and with a gradually worsening cough and headache. Other than getting up to see to the girls I don't think I moved at all. It hurt too much!
The fella an I had been joking about it being swine flu and out of interest I googled the symptoms and eventually came across the Flu Pandemic website which said that

''Congratulations! You have swine flu, and your prize is a special one off code to take to a special collection point to claim your prize... a course of Tamiflu!!''

*rolls eyes*

by 6pm I was pretty much unable to get off the sofa without serious amounts of pain, and when I was up, I had to walk around with my eyes closed because the light was agony to my head. Once I'd put the girls to bed I set up basecamp on the sofa, and kept drifting in and out of dozy consciousness until I was woken by my boyfriend who'd text me as he was worried he'd not heard from me in maybe 1-2 hours. After that I just slobbed, avoiding the light and any major movements until I could summon up the energy to go to bed about 10pm.

Armed with water, paracetamol I stumbled up to bed.. numb and very much looking forward to collapsing into bed. Little did I know I'd end up with around about an hours sleep in all, after spending all night tossing and turning through waves of pain and intense fever, nearly passing out a couple of times from it. Looooovely.
One of those nights where you're glad to see sunrise!

Thankfully, this morning, with some paracetamol and continued slobbing on the sofa in front of the tv/laptop I'm feeling a little bit better this morning. The paracetamol I had first thing has tamed the fever and headache for now, so just having to deal with the cough and general lethargy but fingers crossed the worst is over. Apparently I'm supposed to stay in the house until the symptoms are gone, and the symptoms can last anything up to 7 days apparently. I've not gone down the road of the Tamiflu as I've heard bad things about it and would rather just let me body get on with it. Also hoping the kids don't get it but will see how it goes I suppose.

And to quote my boyfriend, ''I'm having a big sausage and bacon sandwich when this is over, REVEEEEEEEEEEEEENGE!''

Had to do my food shopping online and have it delivered (poor tesco.com man's probably going yo get swine flu... oops..) and on my shopping list? Bacon and pork chops... the go with the sausages I already have.... revenge is a dish best served with red sauce.... :D

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

I think I may get this once this is over....

clicky..

Mum.

2009-08-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

I remember doing a blog on myspace about my mum and how she came to be taken from me... instead of upsetting myself typing out a new one, I've decided to copy and paste it.
This was written the day of the 3 year anniversary of my mum's death.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Monday, September 14, 2008

And so another year passes.
Firstly.. apologies to anyone who may be reading this... as I fear it's a bit of a rant/self indulgent ramble... but then again today is a funny kind of day and maybe by putting it all down in writing it'll help ease it a bit. A word of forewarning though, this has turned into a bit of a longwinded and depressing spillage of emotions and memories and some people would be best avoiding reading it. Especially if you've lost someone you love recently. But if you still want to read... then carry on, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Unfortunately today is the one day each year I dread. Maybe dread is a harsh word but I suppose it's the closest I can get to, as 3 years ago today my mum died. Couldn't even bring myself to go down the cemetary today... so feeling decidely shit with myself at the moment. Maybe I'm just pathetic. on the one day a year that it matters.. I couldn't bring myself to go. How much of a bitch must that make me.

For those who don't know my mum died of lung cancer on september 14th 2005. I didn't even get to see her on the day she died. The unit called me in the morning (as they had done quite a few times in the run up to all this, as due to the nature of her illness we had many 'false alarms'..) to say that mum was going downhill again and they thought I should go in... but selfishly, as I'd had so much time off work in her last weeks I just said to them that I'd be in after and to ''Tell her I'll see her later....''
I had another call at work about 4pm to say things were getting serious and to go in.... but me... I guess in fear of asking to leave work early again, put off telling my boss and asking to go...
I finally left work at 4.30ish, went to pick up Ste and Ste's mum and then finally got to the residential home at 5ish...

God.... why am I writing this... *sigh*... oh well...as they say on mastermind.. I've started so I'll finish..

I walked through the door and down the corridor headed towards mum's room to be met by the head nurse. She asked if she could talk to me privately for a minute... and how stupid of me.... not even thinking anything of it... what an idiot... but then again I guess I didn't want to think about what she had to say...

We went into her office and she left me in there on my own for a minute before returning with another of the nurses... looking back it was so obvious what they were going to say but at the time I just wanted to see my mum and wished they'd hurry up and get on with whatever they wanted to tell me before I went in to see her and have our usual chats about how Ashli was, work, the weather.. how god awful tv had been today... just the usual menial stuff that everyone takes for granted. No idea where Ste and his mum were at this point... or whether they knew... but as I sat in that office it didn't even cross my mind the possibility...
So there I was. Sat in a cramped little room with bog standard day to day shit like filing cabinets and paperwork... completely oblivious.. but this wasn't everyday... the nurses weren't giving me their usual chit chat... or their niceties of telling me things that mum had made them laugh about today... instead all they said was...

''I'm sorry Sarah, your mum passed away about 15 minutes ago.
''

....

I don't remember much in the minutes that passed... my first memory is walking back down the corridor towards Ste. The only thing I could say was a feeble ''Ste'' before collapsing into his arms in tears.
The next memory I have is of walking down the corridor towards her room... passing other people's mums and dads and grandparents and just looking at them. gathered round the communal tv..... at this point I was just numb... their faces said it all.... I caught eye contact with a couple of them... their faces were just emotionless and empty. They must've known.. all I could think about was that fact that because of my fear, and paranoia about what work would say.. I missed my last chance to say goodbye.

I then went in to see my mum. I guess part of me needed to see her to take it all in. Wasn't quite prepared for it though, but then again how could you be? I remember walking in as I'd normally do. If I remember right I even said 'Hello mum' as I went in as I'd do everytime... the only difference being that this time I got no answer... nothing... just silence... the room was dark and everything was just.... well.... still. Even if you hadn't have known about mum as soon as you walked in the room you'd have known. It was so surreal. My mum was there... but... she wasn't.I just sat on a chat at the end of her bed for ages... just... numb.....
I'd never seen a dead body before then. But that's it, it wasn't just a dead body. It was my mum. The one person who'd been there for me all my life and the one person who I expected to ALWAYS be there. Who now wasn't. The cruel cycle of life had claimed its next victim and taken her.

...... I'm going to stop there. The rest, is as they say, history. It is true that the pain eases as time goes on, but you never get used to it. So many times I've thought to myself, oh I'll give mum a call... and then had to go through the whole heartache again of the realisation of it.
*Sigh*
There's been soooo many times where I've needed her... but... I guess there's not a lot I can do.

I'm really sorry if anyone has gotten this far and wishes they hadn't read it. I guess this is more for my benefit than anyone elses.. but I've posted it to show to people that you can come from being so low... and rebuild your life. I'm not the same person that I was, I guess something like that is bound to change you..and I've had to do a lot of refinding myself and rediscovering the person that people know and love... and god knows whether I'm anywhere near to being that person again... but I guess here's to another year of moving onwards and upwards... and trying my best to make my mum proud.

Mum, if by some weird twist of fate you can read this. I love you, and I'm sorry.

x
___________________________________________________________________________________

3 years on...

2009-08-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

3 years ago today I was getting married. I was 21, and 16 weeks pregnant with my second baby, and about to marry the guy I’d been with since I was 16. 5 whole years.

Today, I’m 24, and a lone parent to 2 children, on benefits and with a divorce petition that’s just gone to court.

Didn’t see THAT one coming 3 years ago… I’ll be the first to admit I got married too young. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, or didn’t want to marry him… but the one small thing I wish I’d known in hindsight was that, for all me saying ‘’I’ve always been mature for my age, and I’ve ‘done’ my youth, I’ve got kids and responsibilities, this is it for me. Time to settle down. I’m not going to change. This is me.’’, quite simply I was wrong. I have changed more in the past 4 years or so than even I think I realise. I’ve grown up. A lot. I’ve become a different person who has gone through utter hell and had to reassess and correct the course of my life on numerous occasions. Here’s a brief timeline of the past 5 years or so..

2004 -
June – Find out I’m pregnant and due March 2005
August – Get engaged
October – My mum is diagnosed with lung cancer
November/December – My mum undergoes radiotherapy, all the while claiming she was getting better and the doctors were saying she’d recover, but I’ll leave that for another blog. It’s the anniversary of her death next month…

2005
17th March – Ashli, my eldest is born.
May – I start work at a Nursery as a trainee nursery nurse.
June – My mum is taken into a hospice.
August – My mum goes into ‘Palliative care’ at a local residential home.
14th September – My mum passes away.

2006
14th September – approx hmmm….April/May 2006?? – Can’t remember any of it. At all. I guess it was the grief. I went onto autopilot for most of it. I can barely remember any of the wedding prep.
April/Mayish – Find out I’m pregnant again, due Jan 2007.
5th August– Get married
November – Go on early maternity leave due to Symphysis Pubis Disorder, in so much pain I could hardly move and relying on a special belt to essentially hold my pelvis together.

2007
29th January – Kaitlyn is born…. screaming…. Should’ve known we were in for trouble then!
Feb/March approx – Sink into postnatal depression.
May – Due to return to work but end up having to leave due to the depression and extortionate childcare fees.
August – Decide to turn my life around and get myself out of the depression, as the antidepressants were simply keeping me reliant on them and nothing else. I start playing bass again, join a band, and get a Saturday job to get me out of the house. Start reinventing my image and trying to get out and make friends again. I literally gave up all social life when I left work and was depressed. I had NO friends. Except online. I was determined to do something about it, and get me out of the depression a the same time.
September - Took myself off Antidepressants

2008 -
Jan - Started going out to pubs with my then best friend. Started making friends within his group of friends and slowly creating my own circle.
Feb - Decided to volunteer for the CAB, with a view to eventually having a career as a debt advisor. Started my general advisor training doing 2 mornings a week and
Apr - Started work at the CAB, and also became self employed working for Ann Summers, working around childcare home life so I could work 16hrs plus and get tax credits to help with the childcare while I was at CAB, and also just to get out of the house.
May - signed up for an open university course 'you and your money' on personal finance to supplement my CAB work.
Sept - Separated from my husband, forcing me to leave my saturday job, as well as Ann summers. But I carried on with my CAB and OU work. Focusing on it to be able to get me through the stress. My husband moved out, and I became a single parent and on benefits for the first time in my life. My husband took the car, so I was pretty much housebound apart from the 2 mornings a week he let me use it to continue my CAB work, (He doesn't know it, but even through all the stress I am eternally grateful that he let me use it, as at that point the only thing keeping me going was the kids and my job).
November - March 2009- Become romantically involved with my best friend. Who inevitably broke my heart numerous times and destroyed my self esteem and confidence at a time I was most vulnerable. This may be the subject of a blog in the future. I've not decided yet. It's a time I don't really like to think about, but either way I'm not naming anyone as you never know who reads these things. Plus that's not really the point of this blog post. For the record though, I've forgiven and forgotten the whole thing, although it did, and probably still does affect me to some degree. But life's too short to hold grudges. Just hope that maybe one day we can be friends again.

2009 -
April - Became a qualified CAB advisor and around the same time found out I'd passed my OU course.
May - After pestering and request from my ex husband I started divorce proceedings. Also was offered position as a paid advisor at CAB, running a newly weekly outreach, and finally got my foot on the employment ladder.
End May - Started dating my current boyfriend, who, full aware of everything inc the best friend stuff, was totally patient with me and just gave me space to be able to work out the kinks to allow me to put my heart on the line again. I'm still scared of having my heart broken again, but on the whole I'm slowly coming around and much more relaxed now.

.. and that... in not so great detail.. is how I came to be where I am today. In just over a month Ashli starts school, and I'll be looking to go into more hours at work and come off benefits completely, and pay my own way again. The divorce has gone to court and just waiting to hear from that. Work is great, and bar usual up and downs which frequent my life (My life wouldn't be mine without drama..) life is good in general.

I don't really want to go into the reasoning behind my separation. In the end, his behaviour, and me heaving myself up out of depression and moving on my life inevitably left him behind, and we grew apart. There are other factors which I won't go into on here. But the choice to leave was mine and there are times I still feel guilty for hurting him, but it's a 2 way thing and end of the day, we've both moved on and now getting on with our respective lives.

Everything happens for a reason, and I truly feel that the reasoning behind everything that has happened is to create a stronger me. I'm the strongest I've ever been, even when dealing with continual crap. I have wonderful children, my own (admittedly rented) home, and a decent career on the way. Just sometimes you kind of sit back and wonder what the hell happened. My best friend (female) said to me not long ago..

'' What with everything that's happened to you, how are you still standing?''

In all honesty?

Not...a....clue.

Note: This is too long for me to be bothered reading through for grammatical errors. There's bound to be some, but please ignore them.

Emotard Sonisphere Review Photos.

2009-08-03T03:06:00.000-07:00

Crazy bitches.

Machine Head circle pit.. before I went in!

Uh. Yea. Thankfully I didn't get a pic of the ball slapping fight he had with his new friend party boy...

Woo! Sonisphere!

Limp Bizkit

2nd Stage

Nine Inch Nails

Trent Reznor

LBFs!

Sunset over main stage

That's one big ass stage..

Avenged Sevenfold

Well helloooooooooooooooo Synister Gates.... nom..

I love this pic. RAWWWWWWWWWWWWR!

TALLICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Moody looking stage with metallica

COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

The Official Emotard Sonisphere Review

2009-08-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

Sonisphere was AMAZING. Although I was only there for the day it was brilliant and I wish I would've been there for the weekend (would've saved the 5 hours driving in one day too.. THAT was a killer..).

I set off about 9am, preparing myself for my loathed enemy, motorway driving. I HATE motorway driving as it often triggers my panic attacks. NOT good when you're doing 70mph and surrounded by other cars.. By the time I'd gotten to Watford Gap services on the m1 (about an hour into the journey) I'd had 4 minor panic attacks, but thankfully nothing sufficient to really affect me that badly, just freak me out a bit.

So a quick pizzle and drink stop and I set off again for the final stretch. Once I got the car started that is... I think it hates motorway driving as much as me as it did NOT want to start again, but thankfully I manage to convince it by kicking it. :D result!

All in all it took 2 1/2 hours, including a pit stop of about 10-15 mins, to get to Knebworth. It was actually really really easy to get to. M6-M1-Jct 11 - A505 - follow signs to Sonisphere. Easy! I was actually suprised how easy it was, considering I was relying on my memory of the maps I had googled, and a normal retroesque road map that was in the car. I've always been good at reading maps and generally my sense of direction is pretty good, although I do have a sat nav. Well. I say I have a sat nav. I BOUGHT a sat nav when I was self employed last year, but my ex seems to have aquired it... *Scowls* Good job I DO have a good sense of direction innit?

So 2 1/2 hours later I arrive at Sonisphere and park up. I was meeting Cel and Lee, and so arranged to meet them at the main entrance. Great, I thought. Until it turned out that day ticketters had a seperate entrance at the complete opposite end of the campsite. So a good 2 mile walk later (the soundtrack to which is provided by Buckcherry, I arrived just in time to hear Crazy bitch :D) and various texts to and from Cel of, 'Where are you?' 'Where's that?' and 'I'm confused!!' I eventually meet her at the entrance to the area and we headed in. The arena itself was actually laid out really well, but a lot closer together than it was at download. The 2nd stage was possibly only 200m from the main stage, so whereever you were you could hear what was going on on the other stages. In credit to Sonisphere they set the times for the Main and 2nd stages up so noone clashed and there was a good 5-10 min gap in between in set to be able to get to the other stage, so noone missed who they wanted to see on those stages, which was a MUCH better method than download's clashing setlists where you had to prioritise who you wanted to see at the sacrifice of others.

We walked up and sat down near main stage in time to see Killing Joke. Who are possibly the biggest pile of shite I have ever seen, with a geriatric singer who's dancing mimicked the movement of an epileptic having a fit. Surely he couldn't have thought that was a good move? He may have appeared to come from the stone age (ie the 80's) but come on.... twitching like a dying myximatosis rabbit is NOT a good dance move.. Band wise it was a pretty packed day, and I managed to see the following...

Killing Joke-
More like a complete joke....

Lamb of God
We left about 2 songs in.... very much a typical RIFFRIFFRIFFSHOUTRIFFRIFFRIFFSHOUTSQUEALRIFFRIFFRIFFMOSH band. Booooring.

We then mooched around the shops looking for Lee who we think had possibly been eaten by the Lamb of God pit... or gone shopping.. either or..

Mastodon/Feeder
Were playing on the 2nd stage while we mooched around and waited for Lee and other bands to come on. Very much Meh but the couple of more popular songs were good. Cel and I agreed whatshisface Feeder's singer only gets cuter with age.. :D Nom...

Special guests... MACHINE FUCKING HEAD!
After much debacle and hissing fitting by Machine Head, with them dropping out after Limp Biskit were drafting above them in the line up, Sonisphere added 'special guests' to the line up a few days before the festival opened, and all sorts of rumours started flying around about who it would be. Pendulum, Prodigy.... but in the end the inevitable happened and Machine Head returned to the Sonisphere stage. I only have 3 words for it... MY... FUCKING.. GOD. They were absolutely amazing and managed to create what has been reported by the Official Sonisphere website as the biggest circle pit in Sonisphere history (http://uk.sonispherefestival.net/2009/08/machine-fcking-head/). At one point Rob Flynn was trying to create 20 circle pits in the entire crowd. One of which opened up by us. Being ever the 'spur of the moment' type person I went and got stuck in. Christ... if you ever need exercise go in a circle pit. Nothing like running around in a circle smacking into people to get your heartrate up... Machine head classics such a davidian and burn my eyes just made the whole set amazing. Metal as it's supposed to be, absolutely BRUTAL.

Limp Bizkit
A very very fun and lively set, which helped by us being pretty close compared to where we'd been for other bands. Lots of dancing and singing along, which made it a lot of fun. The performance itself was great but personally not as good as their download show. Can't put my finger on why but still great and would definately want to see them again if they toured. Altogether now..... keep roooollin rollin rollin rollin YEA!!

Alice in Chains
First tour with the new singer since whatshisface went and died... for some reason I managed to make myself look like a retard, thinking it was Jerry Cantrell who'd died... I was quickly informed by Cel and Lee he was the guitarist, and in fact very much alive... oops... If you're reading this by some wicked twist of fate Jerry, I apologise, and you look very healthy and full of life. Nice guitar playing btw...
But anyway, the new singer looked like a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, but if you shut your eyes you wouldn't have been able to tell the difference between the past and present singers.. he was amazing! The set itself included new and old material.. and the new material sounds brilliant and very very promising, Roll on september for the release of the new album, have a feeling it's going to be a good'un! The old material was mindblowing, with classics such as Them bones and Angry chair.. I've never seen AIC live... but I'm SO glad I did.. they're just brilliant and I really hope they tour locally when the new album is released. If so, I'm there.

Nine Inch Nails
Sonisphere was apparently NIN's last ever UK show. Now that Trent's gone and gotten himself loved up and gained a sense of morality and concience *rolls eyes*. It still didn't stop them being breathtaking at sonisphere, although sadly they didn't play some of the more well known tracks, such as Closer or Starfuckers Inc.. but of course this is Trent Reznor we're talking about, and when did he EVER do anything people wanted or expected? Exactly.. We were quite frankly just happy that he didn't have a hissy fit like he had on his twitter escapades and actually turned up for the show.. However the set itself was simply astounding and they played my 2 favourite tracks in succession, the frail and the wretched... Sar was one very very happy bunny. So glad to have seen them live but very sad they are unlikely to ever to return to the UK, if they don't split up altogether soon what with Reznor's new found self. *sigh*

Avenged Sevenfold
I managed to catch about 1/2 of Avenged's set while Cel was off getting stuff from their camp. I've seen avenged a couple of times before, the first being great, the 2nd being shite, so I was a bit unsure as to how it was going to turn out. BUT...they..were..brilliant :D They played the gems that are critical acclaim and scream, and afterlife...and gunslinger...and..and... they were just great. Totally back on form and well worth seeing if you haven't before. Although I do now have a small crush on Synister Gates... he's got a very Bam Margera look about him and oh HELL yea... *ahem*.. uh.. I mean... he's a very talented guitarist.... yes. That's the one...

Metallica
Headlining the main stage were Metallica. Signing off the main stage of Sonisphere 09. I only saw half the set, as by that point I was on the verge of falling asleep at the wheel on the 2-3 hr drive home back to sunny (or not so sunny considering it was night!) Staffordshire, so to protect the neccessity that was me actually making it home alive I left early. I'd have loved to have stayed til the end, because considering how spectacular the first half was I could only imagine the end was a million times better. The first time I saw Metallica wasn't a nice experience because of ticket trouble, and it completely spoiled the whole evening, so to be able to see them and enjoy them this time round made up for it. They opened with Blackened, my favourite 'tallica song, and went on to play One and fuel; complete with pyrotechnics, Cyanide, and broken beaten scarred, more of my favourites before I eventually left. There are no words for their performance really. They were just Metallica. They were everything that is Metallica. Anyone who's seen them before will understand. A fitting end for a perfect day of metal.

And so I left, and began the mile long walk to the car park. That was an experience in itself, a fenced off path, on the edge of the site, lit only by a string of dimly lit bulbs high up... I'm not a generally scaredy cat type person, but when you're a lone female walking in the dark alone you start to feel a bit vulnerable! Thankfully I eventually (after about 10 minutes of searching and wandering round a pitch black car park) managed to find the car and set off home, praying that the stingy tired eyes stayed at stingy tired eyes and didn't progress into further 'I'm just going...to....rest.....my........ey..zzzzzzz' while on the M1. Me and motorways don't mix. For reasons explained previously. However... me and night driving don't mix either. So.. to drive for 2 hours on nothing but motorway...at night.... and tired.... eventually led to a massive panic attack in which I actually thought I was going to pass out doing 70MPH on her majesty's motorway... normally I would've pulled over and had a freak out, but on this occasion I just forced myself through it and carried on, using lorries as focus points by following them. Eventually it passed with no ill effects and I made it back to Watford Gap services, at which I had the smallest, but most blindingly powerfully coffee I think I've ever had, washed down with full caffeine coke. Note to self....Double espresso's = sleepy -> wired in approximately 10 seconds flat. That wired effect managed to last until I got to spaghetti junction at which point I started to flag again. Luckily I wasn't far from home so that managed to keep me focused and I stumbled in at about 1am, to be greeted by Mr false sympathy boyfriend.. 'awwwww so tired after going out and having fun all day.. there there..'. Remind me why I'm with him someone?? Git... On a serious note though, I wouldn't have been able to go if it weren't for him, as I hadn't been able to get another babysitter, and being the best beef in the world that he is, he offered to babysit. So thank you beef, again! I did buy him a little something though as a thank you. Admittedly it wasn't much, but it's the thought that counts right?

RIGHT???

Stop rolling your eyes at me damn it...

Anyway.. it's 11am... and I've not yet had breakfast! I'm still in bed having earlier dropped the kids off at nursery after which I crawled back into bed. And if anyone is thinking I'm being lazy you can bog off.. I didn't actually to to sleep til about 2 after succumbing to the temptation that was looking at the photos I'd taken. And then I was woken this morning by a half eaten gingerbread man 2 inches from my face and MUMMYMUMMYIGOTYOUASPESHULPRESENTANDACARDANDMUMMYMUMMY!!!

Bless em. As much as I moan it's still a great way to wake up in the morning. Just.. maybe a little later than 7am when you've had approx 4 hours sleep..

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Loooord you gotta keep the faith continued..

2009-08-01T14:20:00.001-07:00

For anyone interesting in learning more about Wicca check out..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wicca

Loooord you gotta keeep the faaaith.

2009-08-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

God I love Bon Jovi.

Merry Lammas everyone, and for those who have no clue what Lammas is, it's a Pagan sabbat, or holy day. I've been officially Wiccan (a branch of paganism) since I was about 13. I'd always believe in a god/goddess and in the earth having it's own spirits and energies for as long as I could remember. It was only when I was 13 that I discovered it actually had a name. I was christened at birth, sent to sunday school when I lived in America, and dragged along to vaaaarious christian gatherings and celebrations throughout my childhood. But it just never clicked for me. I just went along with it whilst secretly believing what I believed and keeping myself to myself.

10-11 years on here I am. I've always believed although my actually 'practicing the faith' has been admittedly on and off due to various constraints. But now I live alone I'm able to do what I like and it's led me to be able to practice regularly again.

I should clarify really what I mean by practice.. practicing to me is prayers, and doing rituals based around prayers, 'talks' to deities and occasional magick anAnyway, this blog isn't about Bon Jovi. d ''spellwork''. The main focus is really on the prayers and talks but sometimes they overlap. It's difficult to explain to those who don't believe, as most would categorise me a witch and be done with it. I'm not a witch. And yes, there IS a difference. Witches do exist, although not in the way movies portray them. Not all wiccans are witches and not all witches are wiccans.. The subtle difference is the magic part. Witches do the magic and the spells but wiccans are more focused on the beliefs and prayers and sometimes do magic. But anyway, I digress..

My beliefs have always been important to me. They've always been there when I've needed them and especially this year, have seen me through some very, very rough times. Although sometimes it's not as great as you'd think. This will sound crazy to most people but, I see, hear and feel things. I've come to call them little visions. Flashes of images, sounds, and strings of coincidences which eventually link and then I have a kind of realisation as to what it was about. Often it's things that either mean something or actually happen. I've had a lot of things which actually happen that I've seen. The other things eventually reveal a meaning, like a message. Sometimes they are very difficult to work out and it can be incredibly frustrating. All in all it has just strengthened by belief in 'everything happens for a reason'. Because, in my experience. It does and the visions and things link into it and give me a meaning. A reason. Which in turn strengthens my belief.

On various occasions I've tried to keep a log of my visions and things but I never keep it up. No idea why really. I guess sometimes I don't need to. If it works out it's generally pretty obvious, but I should keep a record really. If only for my info and so I can look back. For the moment, I'm just content in knowing that it's there if I need it, a bit of guidance and a helping hand through life. Most mainstream beliefs are based on essentially make believe, which is fair enough if you believe strong enough in it. But to me I believe in something I can see feel smell touch taste... I believe in the earth and the energies within it. I pray to gods/goddesses, but those gods/goddesses are the energies of nature... Diana, the moon, Gaia, the earth... Things you can see and know are there... you can feel the energy... if you're open enough to it. Through years of belief and practice I can feel it now. When I pray I feel the energies running through me and can channel them. Although I'm fully aware skeptics will now be thinking ''What drugs is she on and where can I get some''. It's hard to explain. You'll just have to believe me.

Yes, you do think I'm nuts, don't you? But everyone needs something to believe in. For some that belief is simply in not needing a divinity to believe in, and just believing in human nature as it is. Everyone has something. Even if they don't know it.

Merry Lammas all. For now I'll leave you with a pic of the sunset I took just after finishing my prayers tonight.

)O(

My Summer 2009 Essentials

2009-07-30T04:20:00.000-07:00

In a concept stolen from a fellow mummy blogger….

My summer 2009 essentials.

Brick wall
To bang my head against when shit keeps hitting the fan....

Festivals!!
This year I’ll have been to Download (whole weekend) Sonipshere (praying on no unfortunate tragedy which prevents me going on Sunday… *gets on knees and prays*
Festivals create a ‘mini holiday’ away from anything and everything. Time away to yourself to go and have fun with your friends. Download for me this year was my first and the perfect example of a much needed and brilliantly timed holiday. After the chaos and stress of the previous months to get away and enjoy myself literally saved my sanity. As much as I don’t need a holiday in the same respect that I did before download, Sonisphere is going to be fab, even if I am only going for the Sunday, and I can’t wait :D
Good music, good friends and a mini holiday.. what more could you ask for to protect your fragile sanity? :D

Xbox 360

For all those miserable, rainy, grim, grey, soggy and boring days. Current favourite games are:
FEAR 2 (restarted after finishing FEAR :D)
FEAR (recently finished)
Worms: Armageddon
Beautiful Katamari (for the kids and the BF, before you ask *shudder*)
Guitar Hero: Metallica
Left4Dead (which I don’t actually own.. D’oh!)
The Simpsons game (co-op with the BF)

DVDs
To prevent mother going insane in the membrane, also on those miserable, rainy, grim, grey, soggy and boring days.
Demonites’ current favourites..
Wall-E
Bolt
Charlie and the motherfucking chocolate factory
Barnyard

Tissues
In preparation for Demonite 1’s first day at school.. D-day Sept 8th……blub!!

Bottomless bank account
To fund aforementioned activites, and more specifically, Demonite 1’s school uniform for D-day…

Encyclopedia Childhoodica Part 1

2009-07-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

''Independence ''
Definition: Fending for yourself, while in effect eating/drinking yourself and your family out of house and home.

''Siblings''
Definition: Your lifelong foe and loathed enemy, who must be destroyed at any available opportunity and by any means neccesary.

''Sharing''
See alternative definition: ''Mine''

''Art''
Definition: A vast array of miscellaneous colours, shapes, textures and materials, forcibly and irretrievably applied to every available surface, regardless of value, sentimentality, rules, or artistic impression.

''Weapon''
Definition: Any item available and within reason to cause ''Demolition''.
Referenced examples: Crayons, ''Sustinence'', Body parts (Flesh and Calcified), Chairs, Tables, Gaming Paraphenalia, books, utensils, any object solid or liquified.
See related article: ''Demolition'', ''Sustinence''

''Entertainment''
See: ''Cbeebies'' (BBC, 2002 to present) Related link www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies
See also: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton, 2005)
Related link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367594/

''Demolition:
See alternative articles: ''Playing'', ''Sharing''.

''Sustinence''
Definition: Any material, animal or mineral, which may be ejected through the air at great speed and trajectory, usually towards valuable objects, and away from the place of origin. Such items are rarely ingested into the user's body for nutritional value, unless the item has a high cocoa or sugar content, or is of primary colour or not intended for human consumption.

''No''
Definition: Express permission to carry out any act or activity regardless of consequence.

''Playing''
Definition: Beating the living daylights out of the ''Sibling''.
Alternative definition: Demolition of any person, object or surface in sight, with any nearby '''weapon''.
See related articles ''Sibling'', ''Weapon''.
See outside source example: www.UFC.com

''Mothers''
Definition: Evil dictators of who's mission is to prevent ''playing'', ''demolition'', ''art'', ''independence'', and ''entertainment''.
Commonly used 'Mother' phrases: ''NO!'', ''Stop that!'', ''You plank!'', ''Can't you just place nice??'' and ''gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!''

signifying disapproval through groans, sighs and rolling eyes.

2009-07-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

Un-fucking-believable.

The jobcentre are official incompetant retards.

Brief background of the situation. I'm on income support. (Not through choice might I add. joy. *rolls eyes*) Beginning of May I started as a paid advisor 4 hours a week... here's the retardedness timeline..

6th May - Call jobcentre to inform them I'd started work so they could amend by benefit. Told to call back when I'd been paid.
20th May - Call back, having been paid. Told to send in wage slip.
Few days later - Send in wage slip with a cover letter as it had an error on it.
Beginning June - Jobcentre send back wage slip as the NI number is wrong. I call them. They tell me to send it back with a note on it.
Next day - Sent it back, with cover letter still attached and added note with correct NI number on it.
Middle June - Jobcentre use the wrong figure to calculate my benefit, claiming I earn double what I do, and slash my benefit from £64 a week, to a fiver. Call Jobcentre and complain, told they don't bother reading letters and it's my problem, and to send in another payslip.
20th(ish) June - Send in ANOTHER payslip, with correct details on it and with a cover letter telling them I was now recieveing child maintenance.
Middle July - Still not heard anything, and still struggling £5 a week. Call them to be told it was 'sorted' and that my payments were going back up to £45 a week and I was going to get a cheque for £150 backpayment.
Few days later - recieve cheque and new award letter. Child maintenance not included.
Today - Letter from jobcentre, ''I am writing to tell you that your recent change in circumstances does not affect the amount we pay you''.

FFS. I KNOW it does. The first £20 a week of child maintenance is ignored but the rest comes off your benefit. and I'm getting £173 a month. Can they not add up??? FFS! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

*bangs her head up a wall*

Can't wait til I'm off benefits for good. This is driving me mad.

and if they think they're going to try and reclaim this overpayment because of their incompentance they've got another thing coming. Can't they do basic things like read or add up???

*sigh*

Hi ho.. hi ho...

2009-07-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

it's off to peace and quiet I go..

Here I am. At work. Writing this. Oh the irony. Fact is, I've done all my work. I've finished my writing up of my previous cases, I've even managed to cross one of my personal 'todo list' items off. Today is the first CAB of the summer holidays, at an outreach that's only really been going properly a few months. At least weekly. It's based in a school, so as you can imagine, at the mo there are about.. hmmm... 3 people here? Not including me. I've so far counted a receptionist, the head and the caretaker.

*watches tumbleweed roll around the carpark*

That thing better not scratch my dad's car...

Anyway, I'm not complaining. Far from it. I can catch up on my work, and I get to have that oh so blessed, and missed wonder that is peace and quiet. If I turn my music off all I can hear in the tapping of keys, the whirr of the laptop fan and the buzz of electricity. Oh and the ringing in my ears.. the joys of being a bassist..

But I love it. I love my job. We work hard. But times like this I can just relax, catch up on some revising, and just have a bit of time away with my own company, in between clients and actual work obviously.

So for now I shall sign off, I've got Keane, coffee and some peace and quiet.

Bliss.

To the rescue..

2009-07-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

God what a day.

Today is day 1 of the summer holidays. Ash starts school in exactly 7 weeks. And for the coming weeks Ash isn't doing her government funded nursery sessions, just the sessions when I'm at work.

God.. please please please don't let every day of the holidays be like today. It's been utter hell. I've been trying to get my house tidy. This.. I've discovered is impossible. I managed to tidy my bedroom and put my clothes away.

After a good hour of hard graft and trying to keep the girls happy at the same time..

''Success!!'' I thought!! I have a clean room!!! And clean clothes!!

Oh... wait.... world war III has ensued in the rest of the house, so now instead of having a moderately cluttered and dirty house.. I have a clean bedroom and an absolute bombsite for the rest of the house. FFS... because.. of course.. silly me. I took my attention off the girls for a bit to try and get something done.. and what happened? They merrily set about creating 10x more work for me in other places.

God. Kill me. Kill me now. Maybe I should just lock myself in the bedroom and pretend I live in a spotless, but illequipped bedsit? Hmm maybe not then.

But today has been one of those days where you just want to resign from parenthood.
''I hereby give my 1 weeks notice to the termination of my mummy contract, I have regrettfully decided that I can no longer work with the customers and hereby resign from any parental duties.''
If only it were that simple!

I love them to death but JESUS WEPT they've been playing up recently. Hissy fits, fighting, biting, scratching, hiting, kicking, shouting, screaming, snatching, stabbing.... and I'm not even exaggerating. I'm worn out. Not only from that, they're absolute horrors in the evenings going to bed now and will easily go to bed and still be awake and playing up 2-3 hours later. That and they're waking up around 630am and playing up. I'm exhausted, I'm falling behind with housework and I want a holiday! Argh!

I could've eaaaasily just sat in the corner and cried from the stress today. I tried to make dinner, but because of being so busy I'd not be able to do a food shop, so I couldn't even make the spag bol I'd planned! The kids had devoured all the bread, milk and fruit after the early rising, seeing as I struggle to haul myself out of bed. I come down to a graveyard of bread crusts and spilt milk from where the girls have happily helped themselves and LITERALLY eaten us out of house and home. Thankfully they left me enough milk to have a much needed coffee... thanks kids..

Thankfully today I had a saviour. My wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. Who upon hearing my tales of woe and self pity, came round (without me asking) and watched the girls for a bit so I could have a break and go do a food shop so we actually had some food to eat. He would've put them to bed too had their room not have been so trashed he couldn't find their bedsheets and pyjamas. D'oh! I really am incredibly lucky to have someone like him. He'll probably say I'm talking crap but I can honestly say I've not known anyone as sweet or caring as him. He'll do anything to help me, and will go out of his way to see me smile. He treats me like a princess and even though he's never had to deal with children in this capacity before he'll happily look after them and they love him too. The really dote on him and it's really sweet. I'm just really very lucky really. And god knows he's been there when I've needed him like today. Even if I am stubborn and don't admit when I need it. Beef, you know who you are. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.

God what a day. Enough of the ranting. I need a bath and a destress before bed, and some bloody sleep! Will no doubt rant again soon.. but for now. Catch you on the flipside. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Night x

Debt and Apathy

2009-07-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

Days like today remind me why I've chosen the career I have. For those who aren't aware I'm an advisor for the Citizens Advice Bureau. Planning on one day specialising in Debt Casework.

I love my job. I have to love my job to be still doing it, as since April 2008 it's been 95% voluntary. I was taken on one day a week as a paid Advisor in addition to my voluntary days in May 09. So up until then I was totally voluntary, and I continue to do one day paid, 2/3 voluntary now. Which goes to show the extent at which I love my job. I've finally found something I am good at. Helping people. I've always been that way though, I've always been the one to sacrifice herself to sort other people out, and always the one people came to with problems. People know I'd either fix it, or I'd be able to give them advice about it. It took 23 years to find myself a career after many failed attempts at retraining. Well I say failed, I was very successful at retraining. I'm a qualified Photographer, nursery nurse, and I have a National Association of Goldsmiths Certificate in Retail Jewellery, plus various other certificates and the like. But having children and being the 'stay at home mum' (Not through choice, may I add.) meant I had to sacrifice a career. Twice.

But, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.

The way I got into wanting to help people and specialise in debt advice came from my own personal circumstances. During the course of my marriage, myself and my ex mounted up numerous debts. About 16k in all. It was going through the torment of me sorting this out that spurred me into wanting to use the knowledge I'd gained by helping others. I regularly used moneysavingexpert.com and became a bit of a minor celeb on there... keeping a debt diary followed by countless people and giving advice to those who followed, I even appeared twice on Martin Lewis' It Pays to Watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHv8gVUr8EY

So here I am today. A soon to be divorcee, and on the road to becoming a debt advisor. Funny how things work out...

Debt wise I have around about £1500 to my name now. My ex took the car, and the related hire purchase debt, with him when he left. I was, at one point, debt free. But then I discovered that in typical me fashion, drama is never far away, and unexpected costs such as the washing machine breaking down (sliiiiiightly essential when you have a family to run...) aren't exactly affordable when you're a single mother on benefits.. so the debt was run up again. At the moment it's stable and has been for a while at around the £1500 mark, and is managable so I'm not worried. It bugs me, I won't lie. I hate owing anyone money. I hate it. I suppose that's partly due to the enforced frugal life I lived (and still live now..) while trying to get out of the original marriage debt. I still count EVERY penny, and find it incredibly hard to justify spending any money. At all. I really have to push myself, which leads to inevitable occasional splurges. (I have quite a weakness for Bass guitars... oops...)

Without wishing to moan this past year or so has been a nightmare, emotionally and financially. I can't remember ever having such a difficult year as I've had. It's taken a long, long time to feel myself again. I have to say really that my children and my job have been the only things keeping me going at some points. I'm absolutely amazed that I managed to get through any of it in one piece. I've never been that low without being clinically depressed, and I never, ever want to get there again. I'm so thankful I had my job. It gave me something to focus on. The ironic thing is that in my job, you help other people and can forget about your own while focussing on someone elses. And I think in a way that has helped me through a very, very difficult time of my life.

Now I am in a better position myself, I'm actually starting to realise that those people I helped, also helped me, although they didn't know it. I've always been a very apathetic person. I all too often put myself mentally in the situations of people I speak to. I feel for them, and I feel what they're feeling. At work that is even more prevalent. Today for example, I saw a debt client who was incredibly distressed with their situation. She had come in with their husband, and because of their debt she was seriously considering 'seperating' from her husband, simply so they could claim benefits and each the financial strain they were under together. They had no relationship problems, they were just that desperate, that it was seriously being considered that they end their happy emotional lives together, because of debt. She became incredibly upset and all you can do is tell them the facts. The sad thing is I'm not a counsellor. I'm an advisor. I advise people on law and practical matters. All you want to do with clients like those is just cry with them. The desperation they feel is beyond comprehension. But that's the thing. I've been there. I know how awful it is. I know how desperate you can be and feel there's no way out. It's no wonder many people commit suicide over debt problems.

I truly believe that the creditors are part of the problem. Some of them are disgusting. Ruthless. Aggressive. They bully and frighten people into paying money they can't afford without care for the implications.

Final demand letters are littered with scare tactics...
PRE LITIGATION NOTICE....
BALIFFS..
SOLICITORS...
COURT ACTION..
CHARGING ORDERS..
DEDUCTIONS FROM EARNINGS...
YOU HAVE 7 DAYS TO PAY OR WE SHALL INSTRUCT OUR CLIENT TO APPLY FOR A COMMITAL TO PRISON ORDER..

Bold, red type, capital letters, big words the customer isn't sure to understand.. anything.. to scrape that last tiny penny out of them. Anything. Can't eat for a week? Who cares, we want our money. Have to sell your body on the street? So what you owe us £100 now pay up!!

Bastards.

I do have to say, I have dealt with some creditors that are exemplary. They go beyond themselves to help struggling clients and work with us. But some are absolutely disgusting. Obviously I can't go into details, but some of the things I've seen are shocking.

If anything it just gives me more drive to help the client. People can't help getting into problems sometimes. The aforementioned distressed cl was ripped off for thousands by a solicitor which is pending court action for compensation, but until then.. what do they live on? Bread and water?

''Of course.. now pay up.'' says the creditor.

Grrrr...

The eternal trade off.

2009-07-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

Sanity vs raising children.

Ok, so maybe this is going to be a bit of a self indulgent moan/rant... but I'm going to do it anyway :P

Raising children on your own is the single hardest thing in the world. 18 years, minimum, of stress, tantrums, heartache, anger, frustration, tears and sacrifices. The 'eternal trade off' I speak of.. is control. I have no control over my life anymore. The demonites have it. Everything I do is dictated by them. THEY let me go to work, when they're not ill, and when family finances allow me to pay for them to go to nursery. The family finances, again, being controlled by them (obviously not directly, otherwise all my money would be spent on primary coloured random objects and things that make obnoxious noises, plus a satellite subscription to every children's tv channel known to man as well as a never ending collection of 'special movies'.) I should really clarify, that special movies is the new my eldest demonite gives any new dvd, and not special movies in the 'wink wink nudge nudge' way. Having children is not my all encompassing cover up for a humongous porn collection.

Honest...

No really.

Stop looking at me like that!

But anyway. As I was saying. You sacrifice so much when you have children. Sleep. Money. A social life. Control. Treats. Relationships to some degree. It's very difficult to get 'you' time or alone time with someone special when you've got children replicating world war III in their bedroom and trying to claw each other's eyes out before attempting to commit suicide by climbing out of the (thankfully childproofed) first floor bedroom window.. or to go out and do anything social without the risk of a mini-tantrum-armageddon in the middle of the *insert any location here*...

Sanity??? What sanity???? I laugh at the concept of this 'sanity' you speak of. *narfnarfnarf*

I don't mean to moan. And it's impossible for anyone who isn't a parent to imagine the scale of the job parent's have. But anyone who does will know exactly what I'm on about.

When you have children, your life is no longer your own. You are 'parent'. You are now sole carer for a life, that without you, couldn't and wouldn't exist.

No pressure then...

*disclaimer - I love my demons. I wouldn't be without them. Ever. For all my moaning I still love them to pieces and cherish every day I'm priviledged to spend with them. But fuck me they're hard work...

Carnage.

2009-07-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

There are some days where you sit back and you think... how did I get here? Why am I here? and.. wait a minute.. what the fuck was that noise?

Thankfully. Today isn't one of those days. Today is a fairly A-typical... no... B-typical, day in the life of Emotard. I say B-typical, because as once informed by ye olde boyfriend, who wasn't then my ye olde boyfriend... at least I think it was my ye olde boyfriend.... uh.... well .. anyway, as I was informed by someone who may or may not have been my ye olde boyfriend, A-typical is the opposite of typical. Which isn't what I mean at all. It's a typical day, in the way that my life is never typical. So for me typical is a-typical. But as today is pretty a-typical, it's therefore a typical day for me. Hence b-typical.

Oh god I've lost you already haven't I?

Get used to it.

My life's never been particulaly easy, or simple, or stable. So A-typical is pretty standard for me. Today, for example, I set off for work, had to turn around to pick one of my demon A up from nursery as she'd thrown up. Brought her home, leaving the demon B at nursery. Then I had to take my bass guitar, which demon B had broken to a friend, praying he could fix the aforementioned bass. This is in the car that I have borrowed from my disowned then reowned father, which is getting more and more faults by the day, todays of which included part of the interior falling off and the reverse light breaking. Oh and some random electrical noise and things moving of their own accord. And today has been a pretty quiet day...

Not bad for a day I should've been at work. But instead I had another day off work, added to the long list of unplanned time off I've had because of demon illness.

I should clarify. I have demons, but not inner demons. Or poltergeist type demons, or some kind of unholy creature of darkness demons... well.. maybe I do have inner demons... but that's another story :D

The demons I refer to are my children. Ashli, aged 4.. and Kaitlyn, aged 2. Affectionately referred to as the demons, demonites, heathens, evil dictators, twisted unforgiving unholy beings of unadulterated evil... or Ash and KK. My 2 daughters, my minions, my future army of evil... that or the 2 horrors who will be wiping my ass when I'm aged 80 if they haven't disowned me for being a crazy cat lady before then. I know which is more likely..

My daughters are my world. They are the only thing I need on this planet other than sustinence and oxygen. Men? Bah. Who needs em. Money? Meh. Such a common concept. No. All I need is my 2 little demons. Trained and willing to take over the world by my side, or in my honour should I fall foul to foes such as the 'career' or the 'love'. I train them well. They aleady have a penchant for mindless destruction (hence the bass guitar... *rolls eyes*). Soon they shall be ready to do my bidding... soooon....

Ah crap. They're not going to be ready to do my bidding unless I feed the little feckers... ah well.. dinner calls. World domination plans shall continue after we have feasted.... on.. uh.. fish fingers. Or something.

Hmm...