3 years on...

3 years ago today I was getting married. I was 21, and 16 weeks pregnant with my second baby, and about to marry the guy I’d been with since I was 16. 5 whole years.

Today, I’m 24, and a lone parent to 2 children, on benefits and with a divorce petition that’s just gone to court.

Didn’t see THAT one coming 3 years ago… I’ll be the first to admit I got married too young. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, or didn’t want to marry him… but the one small thing I wish I’d known in hindsight was that, for all me saying ‘’I’ve always been mature for my age, and I’ve ‘done’ my youth, I’ve got kids and responsibilities, this is it for me. Time to settle down. I’m not going to change. This is me.’’, quite simply I was wrong. I have changed more in the past 4 years or so than even I think I realise. I’ve grown up. A lot. I’ve become a different person who has gone through utter hell and had to reassess and correct the course of my life on numerous occasions. Here’s a brief timeline of the past 5 years or so..

2004 -
June – Find out I’m pregnant and due March 2005
August – Get engaged
October – My mum is diagnosed with lung cancer
November/December – My mum undergoes radiotherapy, all the while claiming she was getting better and the doctors were saying she’d recover, but I’ll leave that for another blog. It’s the anniversary of her death next month…

2005
17th March – Ashli, my eldest is born.
May – I start work at a Nursery as a trainee nursery nurse.
June – My mum is taken into a hospice.
August – My mum goes into ‘Palliative care’ at a local residential home.
14th September – My mum passes away.

2006
14th September – approx hmmm….April/May 2006?? – Can’t remember any of it. At all. I guess it was the grief. I went onto autopilot for most of it. I can barely remember any of the wedding prep.
April/Mayish – Find out I’m pregnant again, due Jan 2007.
5th August– Get married
November – Go on early maternity leave due to Symphysis Pubis Disorder, in so much pain I could hardly move and relying on a special belt to essentially hold my pelvis together.

2007
29th January – Kaitlyn is born…. screaming…. Should’ve known we were in for trouble then!
Feb/March approx – Sink into postnatal depression.
May – Due to return to work but end up having to leave due to the depression and extortionate childcare fees.
August – Decide to turn my life around and get myself out of the depression, as the antidepressants were simply keeping me reliant on them and nothing else. I start playing bass again, join a band, and get a Saturday job to get me out of the house. Start reinventing my image and trying to get out and make friends again. I literally gave up all social life when I left work and was depressed. I had NO friends. Except online. I was determined to do something about it, and get me out of the depression a the same time.
September - Took myself off Antidepressants

2008 -
Jan - Started going out to pubs with my then best friend. Started making friends within his group of friends and slowly creating my own circle.
Feb - Decided to volunteer for the CAB, with a view to eventually having a career as a debt advisor. Started my general advisor training doing 2 mornings a week and
Apr - Started work at the CAB, and also became self employed working for Ann Summers, working around childcare home life so I could work 16hrs plus and get tax credits to help with the childcare while I was at CAB, and also just to get out of the house.
May - signed up for an open university course 'you and your money' on personal finance to supplement my CAB work.
Sept - Separated from my husband, forcing me to leave my saturday job, as well as Ann summers. But I carried on with my CAB and OU work. Focusing on it to be able to get me through the stress. My husband moved out, and I became a single parent and on benefits for the first time in my life. My husband took the car, so I was pretty much housebound apart from the 2 mornings a week he let me use it to continue my CAB work, (He doesn't know it, but even through all the stress I am eternally grateful that he let me use it, as at that point the only thing keeping me going was the kids and my job).
November - March 2009- Become romantically involved with my best friend. Who inevitably broke my heart numerous times and destroyed my self esteem and confidence at a time I was most vulnerable. This may be the subject of a blog in the future. I've not decided yet. It's a time I don't really like to think about, but either way I'm not naming anyone as you never know who reads these things. Plus that's not really the point of this blog post. For the record though, I've forgiven and forgotten the whole thing, although it did, and probably still does affect me to some degree. But life's too short to hold grudges. Just hope that maybe one day we can be friends again.

2009 -
April - Became a qualified CAB advisor and around the same time found out I'd passed my OU course.
May - After pestering and request from my ex husband I started divorce proceedings. Also was offered position as a paid advisor at CAB, running a newly weekly outreach, and finally got my foot on the employment ladder.
End May - Started dating my current boyfriend, who, full aware of everything inc the best friend stuff, was totally patient with me and just gave me space to be able to work out the kinks to allow me to put my heart on the line again. I'm still scared of having my heart broken again, but on the whole I'm slowly coming around and much more relaxed now.

.. and that... in not so great detail.. is how I came to be where I am today. In just over a month Ashli starts school, and I'll be looking to go into more hours at work and come off benefits completely, and pay my own way again. The divorce has gone to court and just waiting to hear from that. Work is great, and bar usual up and downs which frequent my life (My life wouldn't be mine without drama..) life is good in general.

I don't really want to go into the reasoning behind my separation. In the end, his behaviour, and me heaving myself up out of depression and moving on my life inevitably left him behind, and we grew apart. There are other factors which I won't go into on here. But the choice to leave was mine and there are times I still feel guilty for hurting him, but it's a 2 way thing and end of the day, we've both moved on and now getting on with our respective lives.

Everything happens for a reason, and I truly feel that the reasoning behind everything that has happened is to create a stronger me. I'm the strongest I've ever been, even when dealing with continual crap. I have wonderful children, my own (admittedly rented) home, and a decent career on the way. Just sometimes you kind of sit back and wonder what the hell happened. My best friend (female) said to me not long ago..

'' What with everything that's happened to you, how are you still standing?''

In all honesty?

Not...a....clue.




Note: This is too long for me to be bothered reading through for grammatical errors. There's bound to be some, but please ignore them.

Hi ho.. hi ho...

it's off to peace and quiet I go..

Here I am. At work. Writing this. Oh the irony. Fact is, I've done all my work. I've finished my writing up of my previous cases, I've even managed to cross one of my personal 'todo list' items off. Today is the first CAB of the summer holidays, at an outreach that's only really been going properly a few months. At least weekly. It's based in a school, so as you can imagine, at the mo there are about.. hmmm... 3 people here? Not including me. I've so far counted a receptionist, the head and the caretaker.

*watches tumbleweed roll around the carpark*

That thing better not scratch my dad's car...

Anyway, I'm not complaining. Far from it. I can catch up on my work, and I get to have that oh so blessed, and missed wonder that is peace and quiet. If I turn my music off all I can hear in the tapping of keys, the whirr of the laptop fan and the buzz of electricity. Oh and the ringing in my ears.. the joys of being a bassist..

But I love it. I love my job. We work hard. But times like this I can just relax, catch up on some revising, and just have a bit of time away with my own company, in between clients and actual work obviously.

So for now I shall sign off, I've got Keane, coffee and some peace and quiet.

Bliss.

Debt and Apathy

Days like today remind me why I've chosen the career I have. For those who aren't aware I'm an advisor for the Citizens Advice Bureau. Planning on one day specialising in Debt Casework.

I love my job. I have to love my job to be still doing it, as since April 2008 it's been 95% voluntary. I was taken on one day a week as a paid Advisor in addition to my voluntary days in May 09. So up until then I was totally voluntary, and I continue to do one day paid, 2/3 voluntary now. Which goes to show the extent at which I love my job. I've finally found something I am good at. Helping people. I've always been that way though, I've always been the one to sacrifice herself to sort other people out, and always the one people came to with problems. People know I'd either fix it, or I'd be able to give them advice about it. It took 23 years to find myself a career after many failed attempts at retraining. Well I say failed, I was very successful at retraining. I'm a qualified Photographer, nursery nurse, and I have a National Association of Goldsmiths Certificate in Retail Jewellery, plus various other certificates and the like. But having children and being the 'stay at home mum' (Not through choice, may I add.) meant I had to sacrifice a career. Twice.

But, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.

The way I got into wanting to help people and specialise in debt advice came from my own personal circumstances. During the course of my marriage, myself and my ex mounted up numerous debts. About 16k in all. It was going through the torment of me sorting this out that spurred me into wanting to use the knowledge I'd gained by helping others. I regularly used moneysavingexpert.com and became a bit of a minor celeb on there... keeping a debt diary followed by countless people and giving advice to those who followed, I even appeared twice on Martin Lewis' It Pays to Watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHv8gVUr8EY

So here I am today. A soon to be divorcee, and on the road to becoming a debt advisor. Funny how things work out...

Debt wise I have around about £1500 to my name now. My ex took the car, and the related hire purchase debt, with him when he left. I was, at one point, debt free. But then I discovered that in typical me fashion, drama is never far away, and unexpected costs such as the washing machine breaking down (sliiiiiightly essential when you have a family to run...) aren't exactly affordable when you're a single mother on benefits.. so the debt was run up again. At the moment it's stable and has been for a while at around the £1500 mark, and is managable so I'm not worried. It bugs me, I won't lie. I hate owing anyone money. I hate it. I suppose that's partly due to the enforced frugal life I lived (and still live now..) while trying to get out of the original marriage debt. I still count EVERY penny, and find it incredibly hard to justify spending any money. At all. I really have to push myself, which leads to inevitable occasional splurges. (I have quite a weakness for Bass guitars... oops...)

Without wishing to moan this past year or so has been a nightmare, emotionally and financially. I can't remember ever having such a difficult year as I've had. It's taken a long, long time to feel myself again. I have to say really that my children and my job have been the only things keeping me going at some points. I'm absolutely amazed that I managed to get through any of it in one piece. I've never been that low without being clinically depressed, and I never, ever want to get there again. I'm so thankful I had my job. It gave me something to focus on. The ironic thing is that in my job, you help other people and can forget about your own while focussing on someone elses. And I think in a way that has helped me through a very, very difficult time of my life.

Now I am in a better position myself, I'm actually starting to realise that those people I helped, also helped me, although they didn't know it. I've always been a very apathetic person. I all too often put myself mentally in the situations of people I speak to. I feel for them, and I feel what they're feeling. At work that is even more prevalent. Today for example, I saw a debt client who was incredibly distressed with their situation. She had come in with their husband, and because of their debt she was seriously considering 'seperating' from her husband, simply so they could claim benefits and each the financial strain they were under together. They had no relationship problems, they were just that desperate, that it was seriously being considered that they end their happy emotional lives together, because of debt. She became incredibly upset and all you can do is tell them the facts. The sad thing is I'm not a counsellor. I'm an advisor. I advise people on law and practical matters. All you want to do with clients like those is just cry with them. The desperation they feel is beyond comprehension. But that's the thing. I've been there. I know how awful it is. I know how desperate you can be and feel there's no way out. It's no wonder many people commit suicide over debt problems.

I truly believe that the creditors are part of the problem. Some of them are disgusting. Ruthless. Aggressive. They bully and frighten people into paying money they can't afford without care for the implications.

Final demand letters are littered with scare tactics...
PRE LITIGATION NOTICE....
BALIFFS..
SOLICITORS...
COURT ACTION..
CHARGING ORDERS..
DEDUCTIONS FROM EARNINGS...
YOU HAVE 7 DAYS TO PAY OR WE SHALL INSTRUCT OUR CLIENT TO APPLY FOR A COMMITAL TO PRISON ORDER..

Bold, red type, capital letters, big words the customer isn't sure to understand.. anything.. to scrape that last tiny penny out of them. Anything. Can't eat for a week? Who cares, we want our money. Have to sell your body on the street? So what you owe us £100 now pay up!!

Bastards.

I do have to say, I have dealt with some creditors that are exemplary. They go beyond themselves to help struggling clients and work with us. But some are absolutely disgusting. Obviously I can't go into details, but some of the things I've seen are shocking.

If anything it just gives me more drive to help the client. People can't help getting into problems sometimes. The aforementioned distressed cl was ripped off for thousands by a solicitor which is pending court action for compensation, but until then.. what do they live on? Bread and water?

''Of course.. now pay up.'' says the creditor.

Grrrr...