What a difference a day/month/year makes..

Wow, it's beena fair while since I last blogged. But there's been so much change. I suppose part of me not blogging has simply because things have been so busy and I've had my mind so focused on other things.

The main thing of course being the car/money situation. Well I'm happy to report now that I have my car! :D After 4 long months of heartache and saving I finally have a car. I have to admit that possibly about 70% of it was thanks to help from my dad, and I'll remain ever grateful to him for everything that he's done since my ex screwed me over back in May. But now I have my car. I've had it exactly a week today. :) And in that week I've possibly driven nearly 250 miles and used nearly a whole tank of petrol enjoying my new found freedom lol. I've been to see friends, I've done proper food shopping at tesco instead of being ripped off by my local village store, I've done things with the girls.. it's been such a lifeline I can't even begin to describe it. Finally I can do things of my terms and it will eventually (I hope) open up new prospects for employment and just generally lead me to a more successful life.

As cheesy as that sounds, you don't realise how much you need a car until A) you lose it and B) you get it back again! :)

Money wise the situation is going to have a few iffy patches coming up. Obviously adjusting to having the additional running costs of car ownership, plus my ex has decided to cut my child maintenance. I won't go into that on here. You never know who is reading but it's going to make things potentially very difficult for me for the interim. The joys of the benefits system and no doubt I'll end up with another overpayment and blah blah blah yadda yadda. Just wish things could be agreed and then stuck to. Save messing me and the girls around. *sigh* But of course I have no control over it... but aaaaaaaaaanyway, I digress.

Job wise I'm still doing the same as I was, it's getting a lot of work now. and it's difficult juggling general advice and debt casework but I'm slowly getting used to accepting that sometimes you can't do everything at once and it's helping me start prioritising and reorganising myself.

Along with work I've now starting my Open University Social Sciences course, the first essay of which is du the 3rd Nov :eek: but I'm currently a couple of weeks ahead with that :) Tis interesting so far but not really linked to economics etc at the mo but it's all good and will link in eventually :)

The girls are well, Ashli is LOVING school, she can't wait to go each day, and KK is happy as a clam. Individually theya re wonderful angels capable of no evil.. but when they're togeeeeeeether... :\ lol

So although my current life is non stop, chaotic, busy and generally stressful, I still wouldn't change a thing. It may not be perfect, but where's the fun in perfection? It's the little oddities and the things that crop up which inevitably make us remember what's so great about the good things that happen. It enhances our appreciation for when things go well.

Funny old world we live in.. this time last year I'd split up with my husband and started becoming properly involved with my ex best friend ie 'theguyIwaswithbutwasn'twithbutwasbutonlyonhistermsbutwasiwithhimornot' guy. I still haven't blogged on that properly.. but I'm getting to the point where I don't think about it anymore. I'm sad I lost the friendship, as he now won't speak to me at all. I'd like to think that he'd like to be adult about it and at least talk to me, rather than doing the current thing of pretending I don't exist... but ho hum. Whatever helps him sleep at night. I'm not losing sleep over it. The live I have now is better than anything I had this time last year, all bar a few ups and downs. I have wonderful children, wonderful friends, a truly wonderful boyfriend who means the world to me (AND who hasn't broken my heart or treated me like shit, but there's still time on that one! lol /end cyniscism) and generally life is good.

Now... if I could just get a full time job, and more financial security I'd be laughing.

You hear me karma? Hello?...... helloooooooooooooo?? ....

God damn it.

Saving Suckiness

Saving for something sucks. Big time.

I'm doing really well with my car savings. But at the moment I'm in that crappy position of 'so close but yet so far'. I currently have £820.07 plus £92.52 to come from work expenses. I should've had the cheque by now but still haven't... very frustrating but hopefully I'll get it tomorrow. Fingers crossed anyway. That'll mean I have £910ish. Woo! I've been looking at a lot of KAs for sale locally and on ebay and am definitely set on getting one. Theoretically I could get one with the money I have. I've seen quite a few. But if I can hold out a bit longer and get to £1500 then I'd be able to be a bit pickier and get something that isn't ancient with tonnes of miles on it. It's just a question of patience and putting up with being skint and unable to really go anywhere except work at the moment.

Today some more things have gone into the paper, so fingers crossed they sell. I haven't heard anything yet. But there's still time. Still hoping for that lottery win too.. fat chance of that though lol. Have also been doing some things to cut down my monthly expenditure. Have switched my gas and electric, saving approx £6 a month, and gone through quidco for £62 cashback. Have also written to Orange complaining, as they agreed to drop my tariff back in April when I renewed and it STILL hasn't been swapped, so I've complained asking for them to correct it and reduce the tariff to £15 from £30 plus give me a refund of the extra charges since april.. so that'll be a nice little amount if I win. Fingers crossed! I just need to look into my phone/broadband now and see if I can find anyone cheaper. Have also cut my spending budget in half for the time being. I'm rarely going out. If I buy anything it's for the girls or housekeeping stuff. I'm just not spending any money on myself at the moment as I can't justify it as the need for a car is greater. So at the moment I'm just going without and the money saved is going towards a car basically.

Obviously not having as much of a life at the moment... haven't been out for lunches/dates with my boyfriend in ages, although he has also been ill. But I suppose one of the big factors is that as much as I want to, it just comes down to me feel guilty at not being able to contribute to the cost. I'm very stubborn and want to support myself, so sometimes I'm very begrudging in letting others pay for things. I'm sure Ian will back me up on that. I have a real problem with wanting to be sefl sufficient and if I can't be or can't pay my share of something it really knocks my self esteem. But at the mo I've got no choice which I suppose is one of the reasons I've not been suggesting going out etc to Ian and Cel or other friends. If I've gone out with friends I've barely spent anything unless it was necessary. The last money I spent going out was £1.05 for a whole weekend and that was for a donation to the hospice in which my mum was cared for when she was dying. Although not an essential expense, one i felt was justified. But even then I felt guilty when friends were buying me water or something. It's quite sad really. Hell, I've even stopped buying breakfast on the way to work simply to save the £3.38. I think the last time I spent proper money was on a cinema trip with my best friend Cel. Even then I felt bad for spending the money but it was very much worth it for a bit of an escape from frugalness. Plus it was a great movie.. lol

It does get to a point where I think it's quite sad. That I've been resorted to basically giving up having money, simply to be able to get something I need. It does get me down a little bit I'll be honest. Having to scrimp and save so much in the vain hope that it'll allow me to get out of this rut and get back into a normal life and off benefits. It's very demoralising. But for the moment I'm doing well with my saving and putting aside literally every spare penny. Hopefully it'll be worth it in the end and I'll be able to get back on track and start living again without having to think whether it'll cost me money I can't afford...

Oh well. Let's just hope it all pays off.

I often wonder though, when I do have the money and am able to get a car... will I find it hard to actually hand over the savings which I've scrimped and saved and sacrificed everything to be able to attain?

Guess only time will tell on that one.

Who'd want an easy life...

ME that's who.

Ok.. I will warn you this may turn into another self indulgent rant, in which case I whole heartily apologise. But I'm fairly sure that my friends and loved ones are sick to death of hearing about it.. so I thought I'd rant on here instead. Sorted.

As is well documented, I'm currently in a shite situation with regard to money. If I'm honest I'm just scraping by at the minute alright. I can pay my bills, I'm not in arrears with anything, meeting my commitments and generally managing to have an alright life really all things considering. But things are tight. Very tight. Mainly, admittedly, because I am trying my damned hardest to save every spare penny towards a car. Ok, ok... so this hardship is possibly fairly majorly self induced. At the moment, literally EVERY spare penny is going towards my car fund. This has meant I've sacrificed pretty much all of my spending money other than essentials and very very veeery occasion small treats... like my usual Mcdonalds breakfast before work. But even that is going to have to go now for reasons I'll explain in a bit.

But... I'm happy to say it's slowly but surely paying off. Car savings currently stand at..

£360.58 in the bank
£51.01 to come from an ebay sale (end of the week hopefully)
£92.52 work expenses (should get the cheque in the next week)
£46.58 transferring over from paypal as we speak, should clear by end of the week..
= £550.69

:D

But... I have a small problem. My previous budgets that I'd worked out to be able to save as much as I have over the past couple of weeks have not included one minor detail. The fact that I have the majority of my household bills going on at the beginning on September. *sigh*

If I can get past this coming week I'll be ok. Just about anyway. I just need to get to next friday. God this sucks. I have approximately £120 worth of bills going out before then. And guess how much income I have.. £150. Joy. So I have to go... *counts* 10 days, on £30. That's £3 a day. ooooooooooh fun! Considering I can easily spent £30 on a night out... and half that on ONE trip to the cinema... I'm going to be spending bugger all on anything for me. Food and the girls come first and it's tight as it is so it's going to have to be a case of I go without. Simple as.

Until next tuesday I actually don't have any spare money at all. I'm actually about 40p in debt to my savings at the moment because I had to but some essential food earlier. So I'm fairly screwed in that sense if anything comes up.


*Sar listens to the faint murmuring in the background...*

Yea. I know. I know exactly what you're thinking.

"Why the hell doesn't she use her savings?"

Well... simple (although maybe illogical) reason really. I don't want to. I have worked my ass off scrimping and saving to get the money that I have saved. It's been really, really really hard and to have as much as I do has been a massive achievement for me personally. I know it's not much by anyone's standards but it's a lot to me. Having nothing makes you value what you do have even more. If I use my savings now, it'll easily be frittered away, with a 'promise' to replace it....

I don't want that. I NEED a car. It's the only way I'm going to be able to drive (pun unintended) myself forward and get out of this rut. To give in now and use my savings will just put me further back. And god knows it's been difficult enough as it is. I'm not giving in now. Not now I've finally started making some headway.

Please don't get me wrong. If I need to, I will. But, if I can manage on what I have for the time being til things get better then that's what I'm going to do. I'm not giving up when I've come this far.

It's been really difficult up to now. So what's a little bit longer?

A confession.

Wow... so my intention WAS to blog about my 'grand financial plan' but seeing as that was about a week ago it seems that I've been a touch busy! I've been working hard taking on my first debt case at work which is very exciting, and also having a busy social life since I last wrote.. it's nice to be busy. I really enjoy it. Considering I have spent the past.... *count* 4 years, basically, as a stay at home mum, being 'work busy' is a welcome change and I revel in it. I'm no good as a stay at home mum. I NEED adult contact. I need conversation. I need stimulation (fnaaaaaaaaar...!) and more than anything I need a 'me' life. I am not just 'mum' and when I start to feel like that I get very depressed and angsty. When it comes down to it?

I hate being a stay at home mum.

There, I said it. I just can't do it. I know a few people who are stay at home mums and they are amazing at it. They take the ups and the downs, not neccesarily with a smile but always with utter devotion to the 'stay at home mum cause'. I have SO much respect for people like that. I find it astonishing that people can essentially sacrifice a part of themselves and become 'mum' 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

But I just can't do it. Please don't get me wrong, I love my children beyond words, I would do anything for them. But that's exactly the reason I HAVE been a stay at home mum. If it were up to me I'd be at work full time now. I did it for them. They were my driving force and the reason I have sacrificed so much. It comes with the territory when you're a mother. It's unquestionable. Infallable.

I have no regrets of anything up to now. My children are 2 and 4, and I have given them the best start in life that I could possibly could. It's not been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and there's plenty I'd change if I could. But I don't think I've done too badly up to now. I'll make up the sacrifices to them one day. But for the moment they're happy, healthy, and (generally) loving well rounded kids. I like to think I've done an ok job, albeit not perfect.

Not they're older I'm trying to reclaim 'me'. I've been working hard towards a career and financial stability, as well as a life for myself away from the 'mum' tag. And so far it's going pretty well.. I have some wonderful friends, the best social life I've had for years and am in a much much better position that I have been. Things are still hard, especially where money is concerned, but on the whole life is good. Earlier in the year I put together a plan for coming year. I wish I could find it, but I'm fairly sure I'd be able to tick a fair few things off now. :) Sometimes I really don't think about how lucky I am, and only focus on the difficulties. Admittedly it's hard not to when life has a penchant for biting you in the ass, as this year has proven.

One of the positives to report is that, by the end of August (Bar any nasty suprises.. I may be optimistic, but I'm not unrealistic..) I'll have £415 saved towards a car minimum. I have put some items on ebay, so we shall see if that brings in any extra, but so long as I stick to my budget I'll have £415 towards my freedommobile. It's not much.. and it's a long hard slog... but even the smallest steps get you where you're going eventually.

Whatever happens I'm proud of myself for managing as I have been. When you're faced with so much adversity sometimes you need to sit back and be thankful for the little achievements, no matter how small, and to remember that even the little changes add up to a big change eventually. And patience is a virtue.

Better be anyway... else I'll be rather cheesed off!

;)

More frugal than a frugal thing..

Gah. I hate money. Or should I say, I hate LACK of money. For years now I have been forced to live my life counting every penny and sacrficing most treats and things, either for the girls, or to repay debt, or just generally because money is tight. It's shit and makes life really hard.
I budget, I count LITERALLY every penny, I can tell you, to the nearest £1, how much my monthly bills are, and I hate it. But at the moment I'm caught in a complete catch 22.

I haven't got a car.
The work I do requires a car to cover local outreaches and get to our main office a good 17 miles away.
Because I haven't got a car I can't take on more hours at work.
Because I can't take on more hours at work I can't afford to buy a car....

and so the cycle continues.. and it sucks. Fairly officially.

I want nothing more than to go to work more. Ideally I want to do between 16 and 25 hours to fit around my eldet starting school, this will enable me to get off benefits completely, regain my feeling of self worth and self sufficiency, and because of the nature of the job I do (and it's rather nice salary) it would allow me to get rid of 'frugal' and be able to relax financially.

But... I can't.

BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD A FECKING CAR......

*sigh*

I try my hardest to save. I REALLY do. But considering I'm living off benefits, and have a large nursery bill to pay in full to be able to work as much as I do, I'm fairly screwed.

So at the moment I'm making a conscious effort to save every spare penny. I've trawled the house looking for sellable items, but because in my old debt busting days I regularly sold life and limb to claw every spare penny to repay debt, and my exhusband took a fair bit with him when he left, I have hardly anything of value.

So in a house wide search of saleable items I found...

My engagement ring..(Pfft, THAT can definately go..)
A faulty 'Guitar Hero: World Tour' Drum kit.
2 bin bags of the girls' old clothes.
An old bass guitar that I no longer use.

Approximate value if it all sells for asking price?.. £395

The adverts went into a local paper today, and so far the girls's clothes have gone. Netting me a nice £15 towards cardom.

Add that to the £40 I had in cash saved and also expenses from work to come of about £70ish... that's... £125.

Not much but it's a start. As I speak I am formulating a *plan*. A plan to save the money and get me out of this viscious cycle. Will update later...

Debt and Apathy

Days like today remind me why I've chosen the career I have. For those who aren't aware I'm an advisor for the Citizens Advice Bureau. Planning on one day specialising in Debt Casework.

I love my job. I have to love my job to be still doing it, as since April 2008 it's been 95% voluntary. I was taken on one day a week as a paid Advisor in addition to my voluntary days in May 09. So up until then I was totally voluntary, and I continue to do one day paid, 2/3 voluntary now. Which goes to show the extent at which I love my job. I've finally found something I am good at. Helping people. I've always been that way though, I've always been the one to sacrifice herself to sort other people out, and always the one people came to with problems. People know I'd either fix it, or I'd be able to give them advice about it. It took 23 years to find myself a career after many failed attempts at retraining. Well I say failed, I was very successful at retraining. I'm a qualified Photographer, nursery nurse, and I have a National Association of Goldsmiths Certificate in Retail Jewellery, plus various other certificates and the like. But having children and being the 'stay at home mum' (Not through choice, may I add.) meant I had to sacrifice a career. Twice.

But, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.

The way I got into wanting to help people and specialise in debt advice came from my own personal circumstances. During the course of my marriage, myself and my ex mounted up numerous debts. About 16k in all. It was going through the torment of me sorting this out that spurred me into wanting to use the knowledge I'd gained by helping others. I regularly used moneysavingexpert.com and became a bit of a minor celeb on there... keeping a debt diary followed by countless people and giving advice to those who followed, I even appeared twice on Martin Lewis' It Pays to Watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHv8gVUr8EY

So here I am today. A soon to be divorcee, and on the road to becoming a debt advisor. Funny how things work out...

Debt wise I have around about £1500 to my name now. My ex took the car, and the related hire purchase debt, with him when he left. I was, at one point, debt free. But then I discovered that in typical me fashion, drama is never far away, and unexpected costs such as the washing machine breaking down (sliiiiiightly essential when you have a family to run...) aren't exactly affordable when you're a single mother on benefits.. so the debt was run up again. At the moment it's stable and has been for a while at around the £1500 mark, and is managable so I'm not worried. It bugs me, I won't lie. I hate owing anyone money. I hate it. I suppose that's partly due to the enforced frugal life I lived (and still live now..) while trying to get out of the original marriage debt. I still count EVERY penny, and find it incredibly hard to justify spending any money. At all. I really have to push myself, which leads to inevitable occasional splurges. (I have quite a weakness for Bass guitars... oops...)

Without wishing to moan this past year or so has been a nightmare, emotionally and financially. I can't remember ever having such a difficult year as I've had. It's taken a long, long time to feel myself again. I have to say really that my children and my job have been the only things keeping me going at some points. I'm absolutely amazed that I managed to get through any of it in one piece. I've never been that low without being clinically depressed, and I never, ever want to get there again. I'm so thankful I had my job. It gave me something to focus on. The ironic thing is that in my job, you help other people and can forget about your own while focussing on someone elses. And I think in a way that has helped me through a very, very difficult time of my life.

Now I am in a better position myself, I'm actually starting to realise that those people I helped, also helped me, although they didn't know it. I've always been a very apathetic person. I all too often put myself mentally in the situations of people I speak to. I feel for them, and I feel what they're feeling. At work that is even more prevalent. Today for example, I saw a debt client who was incredibly distressed with their situation. She had come in with their husband, and because of their debt she was seriously considering 'seperating' from her husband, simply so they could claim benefits and each the financial strain they were under together. They had no relationship problems, they were just that desperate, that it was seriously being considered that they end their happy emotional lives together, because of debt. She became incredibly upset and all you can do is tell them the facts. The sad thing is I'm not a counsellor. I'm an advisor. I advise people on law and practical matters. All you want to do with clients like those is just cry with them. The desperation they feel is beyond comprehension. But that's the thing. I've been there. I know how awful it is. I know how desperate you can be and feel there's no way out. It's no wonder many people commit suicide over debt problems.

I truly believe that the creditors are part of the problem. Some of them are disgusting. Ruthless. Aggressive. They bully and frighten people into paying money they can't afford without care for the implications.

Final demand letters are littered with scare tactics...
PRE LITIGATION NOTICE....
BALIFFS..
SOLICITORS...
COURT ACTION..
CHARGING ORDERS..
DEDUCTIONS FROM EARNINGS...
YOU HAVE 7 DAYS TO PAY OR WE SHALL INSTRUCT OUR CLIENT TO APPLY FOR A COMMITAL TO PRISON ORDER..

Bold, red type, capital letters, big words the customer isn't sure to understand.. anything.. to scrape that last tiny penny out of them. Anything. Can't eat for a week? Who cares, we want our money. Have to sell your body on the street? So what you owe us £100 now pay up!!

Bastards.

I do have to say, I have dealt with some creditors that are exemplary. They go beyond themselves to help struggling clients and work with us. But some are absolutely disgusting. Obviously I can't go into details, but some of the things I've seen are shocking.

If anything it just gives me more drive to help the client. People can't help getting into problems sometimes. The aforementioned distressed cl was ripped off for thousands by a solicitor which is pending court action for compensation, but until then.. what do they live on? Bread and water?

''Of course.. now pay up.'' says the creditor.

Grrrr...