it's oh so quiet... do do do doooo...

... do do do dooo.. do do do doooo dooo dooo.. ssssssssssssssh...


This morning is one of those mornings that are milestones in the whole journey of parenthood. This morning I sent my first born to school for the first time. Ash of course took it in her stride, I don't think I've ever SEEN a child so excited. This morning my alarm went off and I was greeted by a rumbling thunder of stampeding hooves running into my room...

"MUMMY!!! IT'S TIME FOR BIG SCHOOL!!!!! GET DRESSED FOR BIG SCHOOOL MUMMMMMMMMMMYYYY GET UUUUUUUUUUP!!!"

So through bleary eyes I lay in bed and watched her get herself dressed, then brush her teeth, without me having to help once. It was almost like being in a time warp, all I can remember is when I used to be able to cradle her in one arm and she was completely and utterly helpless. Now she was getting herself ready to go to school for the first time.

My god I feel old. lol!

I met up with one of my LBF's Fee who's daughter is in the year above. Ash and Tiff got on like a house on fire and as soon as we got into the school gates they ran off and started playing. Of course KK wanted to join in, and she got quite upset when the whistle went and all the children lined up and went in, as she wanted to go too, bless her.

So now we're home after a quick trip to the shops. It's so quiet it's unbelievable. If anything it's making me realise how much harder it is having 2 compared to 1. It's far more than double the work. KK is quite happily entertaining herself, occasionally asking after Ash and wanting to get her from school. It's quite sweet and it's obvious she misses her. Even though they sometimes fight like cat and dog they love each other really. I think it's just a sister thing to pretend they hate each other sometimes. lol

So here we are. A new era I suppose, officially a school run mum, quieter days and finally able to be able to go back to work once I get a car and find a job.

Still strange though... it's not quite the same without the same chaos that 2 children bring...

A confession.

Wow... so my intention WAS to blog about my 'grand financial plan' but seeing as that was about a week ago it seems that I've been a touch busy! I've been working hard taking on my first debt case at work which is very exciting, and also having a busy social life since I last wrote.. it's nice to be busy. I really enjoy it. Considering I have spent the past.... *count* 4 years, basically, as a stay at home mum, being 'work busy' is a welcome change and I revel in it. I'm no good as a stay at home mum. I NEED adult contact. I need conversation. I need stimulation (fnaaaaaaaaar...!) and more than anything I need a 'me' life. I am not just 'mum' and when I start to feel like that I get very depressed and angsty. When it comes down to it?

I hate being a stay at home mum.

There, I said it. I just can't do it. I know a few people who are stay at home mums and they are amazing at it. They take the ups and the downs, not neccesarily with a smile but always with utter devotion to the 'stay at home mum cause'. I have SO much respect for people like that. I find it astonishing that people can essentially sacrifice a part of themselves and become 'mum' 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

But I just can't do it. Please don't get me wrong, I love my children beyond words, I would do anything for them. But that's exactly the reason I HAVE been a stay at home mum. If it were up to me I'd be at work full time now. I did it for them. They were my driving force and the reason I have sacrificed so much. It comes with the territory when you're a mother. It's unquestionable. Infallable.

I have no regrets of anything up to now. My children are 2 and 4, and I have given them the best start in life that I could possibly could. It's not been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and there's plenty I'd change if I could. But I don't think I've done too badly up to now. I'll make up the sacrifices to them one day. But for the moment they're happy, healthy, and (generally) loving well rounded kids. I like to think I've done an ok job, albeit not perfect.

Not they're older I'm trying to reclaim 'me'. I've been working hard towards a career and financial stability, as well as a life for myself away from the 'mum' tag. And so far it's going pretty well.. I have some wonderful friends, the best social life I've had for years and am in a much much better position that I have been. Things are still hard, especially where money is concerned, but on the whole life is good. Earlier in the year I put together a plan for coming year. I wish I could find it, but I'm fairly sure I'd be able to tick a fair few things off now. :) Sometimes I really don't think about how lucky I am, and only focus on the difficulties. Admittedly it's hard not to when life has a penchant for biting you in the ass, as this year has proven.

One of the positives to report is that, by the end of August (Bar any nasty suprises.. I may be optimistic, but I'm not unrealistic..) I'll have £415 saved towards a car minimum. I have put some items on ebay, so we shall see if that brings in any extra, but so long as I stick to my budget I'll have £415 towards my freedommobile. It's not much.. and it's a long hard slog... but even the smallest steps get you where you're going eventually.

Whatever happens I'm proud of myself for managing as I have been. When you're faced with so much adversity sometimes you need to sit back and be thankful for the little achievements, no matter how small, and to remember that even the little changes add up to a big change eventually. And patience is a virtue.

Better be anyway... else I'll be rather cheesed off!

;)

Stop knocking on death's door mummy, we want Dora on!

7am...

''Muuuuuummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..... muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy''

*Sar opens her bleary, aching eyes, and blinded by the sun which sends searing pain through her head, stumbles half concious to her daughters' room...*

''Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?''

''I want Dora on.....''

*Sar struggles with the stair gate, her aching joints shooting needle like pains through her limbs with every movement.... she hobbles over to the tv and puts Dora on for her ever so beloved children...''

''D-D-D-D-DOOOOORA!!! D-D-D-D-D-DOOOOOORA!!!! DOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOORA THE EXPLOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!....''

*Each syllable of the hell that is Nickolodeon's finest export echoes around her head with the force of Hurricane Andrew, tearing down her immune system like a picket fence, and leaving what small amount of sanity she had left, a scattered field of primary coloured and educational debris....*

*Sar staggers across the hall, the creak of the floorboards tearing at her ears and collapses into bed, muttering faint prays to whatever the hell god is responsible for easing the pain of swine flu.. *

''............ muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy.....''


Welcome to the world of single parenthood. When you're a single parent, you are simply BANNED from being ill.

Ever. At all.

Never.

Cold? Awww shame... where's my breakfast..

Appendicitis? That much hurt! Change my nappy!

Swine flu? Oooh piggy! I'm going to have a tantrum now!

Dying? Not before you put a movie on for me.. THEN you can die..

No matter how ill you are, no matter how grave your circumstances or how rough you feel. Life HAS to go on. You can't just forgo any duties around the house or to look after them, even if the only thing that'll help you get better is 24 hour bed rest....
Yea. good LUCK. In 24 SECONDS they'll have destroyed the house, set themselves on fire, defurred the cat and eaten the entire contents of the fridge/freezer, frozen/consumable or not..

If you think about it seriously it's quite scary. There has been a few times since my exhusband and I seperated, where I have been so ill I've been on the verge of being physically unable to look after the girls, but I've had to struggle on... food poisoning was one where I demanded that my ex have time off work and had the girls for the morning as I had been up for 36 hours and spend 12 of those vomiting violently.. but that was back when we were still on speaking terms, presumably because he thought there was some hope of us getting back together.
Another time was when my health really suffered because of the hell and upset of the whole 'best friend romantic involvement' incident. In the end the stress and I guess mild depression affected my health and I became really ill, could hardly breath, had chest pains, palpitations, could hardly stand without needing to lie down.. but I had to carry on regardless. In the end after a few weeks I got better and all was well.. but at the time it was horrendous.
The most recent time being this bloody swine flu.

Still quite scary to think about... even if I keeled over seriously ill.... and I needed to go to hospital and was literally at death's door.. I'd STILL have to sort the girls out even before that.... now that's a chilling thought.... :\

Mum.

I remember doing a blog on myspace about my mum and how she came to be taken from me... instead of upsetting myself typing out a new one, I've decided to copy and paste it.
This was written the day of the 3 year anniversary of my mum's death.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Monday, September 14, 2008

And so another year passes.
Firstly.. apologies to anyone who may be reading this... as I fear it's a bit of a rant/self indulgent ramble... but then again today is a funny kind of day and maybe by putting it all down in writing it'll help ease it a bit. A word of forewarning though, this has turned into a bit of a longwinded and depressing spillage of emotions and memories and some people would be best avoiding reading it. Especially if you've lost someone you love recently. But if you still want to read... then carry on, but don't say I didn't warn you.


Unfortunately today is the one day each year I dread. Maybe dread is a harsh word but I suppose it's the closest I can get to, as 3 years ago today my mum died. Couldn't even bring myself to go down the cemetary today... so feeling decidely shit with myself at the moment. Maybe I'm just pathetic. on the one day a year that it matters.. I couldn't bring myself to go. How much of a bitch must that make me.


For those who don't know my mum died of lung cancer on september 14th 2005. I didn't even get to see her on the day she died. The unit called me in the morning (as they had done quite a few times in the run up to all this, as due to the nature of her illness we had many 'false alarms'..) to say that mum was going downhill again and they thought I should go in... but selfishly, as I'd had so much time off work in her last weeks I just said to them that I'd be in after and to ''Tell her I'll see her later....''
I had another call at work about 4pm to say things were getting serious and to go in.... but me... I guess in fear of asking to leave work early again, put off telling my boss and asking to go...
I finally left work at 4.30ish, went to pick up Ste and Ste's mum and then finally got to the residential home at 5ish...

God.... why am I writing this... *sigh*... oh well...as they say on mastermind.. I've started so I'll finish..

I walked through the door and down the corridor headed towards mum's room to be met by the head nurse. She asked if she could talk to me privately for a minute... and how stupid of me.... not even thinking anything of it... what an idiot... but then again I guess I didn't want to think about what she had to say...

We went into her office and she left me in there on my own for a minute before returning with another of the nurses... looking back it was so obvious what they were going to say but at the time I just wanted to see my mum and wished they'd hurry up and get on with whatever they wanted to tell me before I went in to see her and have our usual chats about how Ashli was, work, the weather.. how god awful tv had been today... just the usual menial stuff that everyone takes for granted. No idea where Ste and his mum were at this point... or whether they knew... but as I sat in that office it didn't even cross my mind the possibility...
So there I was. Sat in a cramped little room with bog standard day to day shit like filing cabinets and paperwork... completely oblivious.. but this wasn't everyday... the nurses weren't giving me their usual chit chat... or their niceties of telling me things that mum had made them laugh about today... instead all they said was...

''I'm sorry Sarah, your mum passed away about 15 minutes ago.
''

....

I don't remember much in the minutes that passed... my first memory is walking back down the corridor towards Ste. The only thing I could say was a feeble ''Ste'' before collapsing into his arms in tears.
The next memory I have is of walking down the corridor towards her room... passing other people's mums and dads and grandparents and just looking at them. gathered round the communal tv..... at this point I was just numb... their faces said it all.... I caught eye contact with a couple of them... their faces were just emotionless and empty. They must've known.. all I could think about was that fact that because of my fear, and paranoia about what work would say.. I missed my last chance to say goodbye.


I then went in to see my mum. I guess part of me needed to see her to take it all in. Wasn't quite prepared for it though, but then again how could you be? I remember walking in as I'd normally do. If I remember right I even said 'Hello mum' as I went in as I'd do everytime... the only difference being that this time I got no answer... nothing... just silence... the room was dark and everything was just.... well.... still. Even if you hadn't have known about mum as soon as you walked in the room you'd have known. It was so surreal. My mum was there... but... she wasn't.I just sat on a chat at the end of her bed for ages... just... numb.....
I'd never seen a dead body before then. But that's it, it wasn't just a dead body. It was my mum. The one person who'd been there for me all my life and the one person who I expected to ALWAYS be there. Who now wasn't. The cruel cycle of life had claimed its next victim and taken her.

...... I'm going to stop there. The rest, is as they say, history. It is true that the pain eases as time goes on, but you never get used to it. So many times I've thought to myself, oh I'll give mum a call... and then had to go through the whole heartache again of the realisation of it.
*Sigh*
There's been soooo many times where I've needed her... but... I guess there's not a lot I can do.


I'm really sorry if anyone has gotten this far and wishes they hadn't read it. I guess this is more for my benefit than anyone elses.. but I've posted it to show to people that you can come from being so low... and rebuild your life. I'm not the same person that I was, I guess something like that is bound to change you..and I've had to do a lot of refinding myself and rediscovering the person that people know and love... and god knows whether I'm anywhere near to being that person again... but I guess here's to another year of moving onwards and upwards... and trying my best to make my mum proud.


Mum, if by some weird twist of fate you can read this. I love you, and I'm sorry.

x
___________________________________________________________________________________

Encyclopedia Childhoodica Part 1

''Independence ''
Definition: Fending for yourself, while in effect eating/drinking yourself and your family out of house and home.

''Siblings''
Definition: Your lifelong foe and loathed enemy, who must be destroyed at any available opportunity and by any means neccesary.

''Sharing''
See alternative definition: ''Mine''

''Art''
Definition: A vast array of miscellaneous colours, shapes, textures and materials, forcibly and irretrievably applied to every available surface, regardless of value, sentimentality, rules, or artistic impression.

''Weapon''
Definition: Any item available and within reason to cause ''Demolition''.
Referenced examples: Crayons, ''Sustinence'', Body parts (Flesh and Calcified), Chairs, Tables, Gaming Paraphenalia, books, utensils, any object solid or liquified.
See related article: ''Demolition'', ''Sustinence''

''Entertainment''
See: ''Cbeebies'' (BBC, 2002 to present) Related link www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies
See also: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton, 2005)
Related link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367594/

''Demolition:
See alternative articles: ''Playing'', ''Sharing''.

''Sustinence''
Definition: Any material, animal or mineral, which may be ejected through the air at great speed and trajectory, usually towards valuable objects, and away from the place of origin. Such items are rarely ingested into the user's body for nutritional value, unless the item has a high cocoa or sugar content, or is of primary colour or not intended for human consumption.

''No''
Definition: Express permission to carry out any act or activity regardless of consequence.

''Playing''
Definition: Beating the living daylights out of the ''Sibling''.
Alternative definition: Demolition of any person, object or surface in sight, with any nearby '''weapon''.
See related articles ''Sibling'', ''Weapon''.
See outside source example: www.UFC.com

''Mothers''
Definition: Evil dictators of who's mission is to prevent ''playing'', ''demolition'', ''art'', ''independence'', and ''entertainment''.
Commonly used 'Mother' phrases: ''NO!'', ''Stop that!'', ''You plank!'', ''Can't you just place nice??'' and ''gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!''

To the rescue..

God what a day.

Today is day 1 of the summer holidays. Ash starts school in exactly 7 weeks. And for the coming weeks Ash isn't doing her government funded nursery sessions, just the sessions when I'm at work.

God.. please please please don't let every day of the holidays be like today. It's been utter hell. I've been trying to get my house tidy. This.. I've discovered is impossible. I managed to tidy my bedroom and put my clothes away.

After a good hour of hard graft and trying to keep the girls happy at the same time..

''Success!!'' I thought!! I have a clean room!!! And clean clothes!!

Oh... wait.... world war III has ensued in the rest of the house, so now instead of having a moderately cluttered and dirty house.. I have a clean bedroom and an absolute bombsite for the rest of the house. FFS... because.. of course.. silly me. I took my attention off the girls for a bit to try and get something done.. and what happened? They merrily set about creating 10x more work for me in other places.

God. Kill me. Kill me now. Maybe I should just lock myself in the bedroom and pretend I live in a spotless, but illequipped bedsit? Hmm maybe not then.

But today has been one of those days where you just want to resign from parenthood.
''I hereby give my 1 weeks notice to the termination of my mummy contract, I have regrettfully decided that I can no longer work with the customers and hereby resign from any parental duties.''
If only it were that simple!

I love them to death but JESUS WEPT they've been playing up recently. Hissy fits, fighting, biting, scratching, hiting, kicking, shouting, screaming, snatching, stabbing.... and I'm not even exaggerating. I'm worn out. Not only from that, they're absolute horrors in the evenings going to bed now and will easily go to bed and still be awake and playing up 2-3 hours later. That and they're waking up around 630am and playing up. I'm exhausted, I'm falling behind with housework and I want a holiday! Argh!

I could've eaaaasily just sat in the corner and cried from the stress today. I tried to make dinner, but because of being so busy I'd not be able to do a food shop, so I couldn't even make the spag bol I'd planned! The kids had devoured all the bread, milk and fruit after the early rising, seeing as I struggle to haul myself out of bed. I come down to a graveyard of bread crusts and spilt milk from where the girls have happily helped themselves and LITERALLY eaten us out of house and home. Thankfully they left me enough milk to have a much needed coffee... thanks kids..

Thankfully today I had a saviour. My wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. Who upon hearing my tales of woe and self pity, came round (without me asking) and watched the girls for a bit so I could have a break and go do a food shop so we actually had some food to eat. He would've put them to bed too had their room not have been so trashed he couldn't find their bedsheets and pyjamas. D'oh! I really am incredibly lucky to have someone like him. He'll probably say I'm talking crap but I can honestly say I've not known anyone as sweet or caring as him. He'll do anything to help me, and will go out of his way to see me smile. He treats me like a princess and even though he's never had to deal with children in this capacity before he'll happily look after them and they love him too. The really dote on him and it's really sweet. I'm just really very lucky really. And god knows he's been there when I've needed him like today. Even if I am stubborn and don't admit when I need it. Beef, you know who you are. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.

God what a day. Enough of the ranting. I need a bath and a destress before bed, and some bloody sleep! Will no doubt rant again soon.. but for now. Catch you on the flipside. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Night x

The eternal trade off.

Sanity vs raising children.

Ok, so maybe this is going to be a bit of a self indulgent moan/rant... but I'm going to do it anyway :P

Raising children on your own is the single hardest thing in the world. 18 years, minimum, of stress, tantrums, heartache, anger, frustration, tears and sacrifices. The 'eternal trade off' I speak of.. is control. I have no control over my life anymore. The demonites have it. Everything I do is dictated by them. THEY let me go to work, when they're not ill, and when family finances allow me to pay for them to go to nursery. The family finances, again, being controlled by them (obviously not directly, otherwise all my money would be spent on primary coloured random objects and things that make obnoxious noises, plus a satellite subscription to every children's tv channel known to man as well as a never ending collection of 'special movies'.) I should really clarify, that special movies is the new my eldest demonite gives any new dvd, and not special movies in the 'wink wink nudge nudge' way. Having children is not my all encompassing cover up for a humongous porn collection.

Honest...

No really.

Stop looking at me like that!

But anyway. As I was saying. You sacrifice so much when you have children. Sleep. Money. A social life. Control. Treats. Relationships to some degree. It's very difficult to get 'you' time or alone time with someone special when you've got children replicating world war III in their bedroom and trying to claw each other's eyes out before attempting to commit suicide by climbing out of the (thankfully childproofed) first floor bedroom window.. or to go out and do anything social without the risk of a mini-tantrum-armageddon in the middle of the *insert any location here*...

Sanity??? What sanity???? I laugh at the concept of this 'sanity' you speak of. *narfnarfnarf*

I don't mean to moan. And it's impossible for anyone who isn't a parent to imagine the scale of the job parent's have. But anyone who does will know exactly what I'm on about.

When you have children, your life is no longer your own. You are 'parent'. You are now sole carer for a life, that without you, couldn't and wouldn't exist.

No pressure then...


*disclaimer - I love my demons. I wouldn't be without them. Ever. For all my moaning I still love them to pieces and cherish every day I'm priviledged to spend with them. But fuck me they're hard work...

Carnage.

There are some days where you sit back and you think... how did I get here? Why am I here? and.. wait a minute.. what the fuck was that noise?

Thankfully. Today isn't one of those days. Today is a fairly A-typical... no... B-typical, day in the life of Emotard. I say B-typical, because as once informed by ye olde boyfriend, who wasn't then my ye olde boyfriend... at least I think it was my ye olde boyfriend.... uh.... well .. anyway, as I was informed by someone who may or may not have been my ye olde boyfriend, A-typical is the opposite of typical. Which isn't what I mean at all. It's a typical day, in the way that my life is never typical. So for me typical is a-typical. But as today is pretty a-typical, it's therefore a typical day for me. Hence b-typical.

Oh god I've lost you already haven't I?

Get used to it.

My life's never been particulaly easy, or simple, or stable. So A-typical is pretty standard for me. Today, for example, I set off for work, had to turn around to pick one of my demon A up from nursery as she'd thrown up. Brought her home, leaving the demon B at nursery. Then I had to take my bass guitar, which demon B had broken to a friend, praying he could fix the aforementioned bass. This is in the car that I have borrowed from my disowned then reowned father, which is getting more and more faults by the day, todays of which included part of the interior falling off and the reverse light breaking. Oh and some random electrical noise and things moving of their own accord. And today has been a pretty quiet day...

Not bad for a day I should've been at work. But instead I had another day off work, added to the long list of unplanned time off I've had because of demon illness.

I should clarify. I have demons, but not inner demons. Or poltergeist type demons, or some kind of unholy creature of darkness demons... well.. maybe I do have inner demons... but that's another story :D

The demons I refer to are my children. Ashli, aged 4.. and Kaitlyn, aged 2. Affectionately referred to as the demons, demonites, heathens, evil dictators, twisted unforgiving unholy beings of unadulterated evil... or Ash and KK. My 2 daughters, my minions, my future army of evil... that or the 2 horrors who will be wiping my ass when I'm aged 80 if they haven't disowned me for being a crazy cat lady before then. I know which is more likely..

My daughters are my world. They are the only thing I need on this planet other than sustinence and oxygen. Men? Bah. Who needs em. Money? Meh. Such a common concept. No. All I need is my 2 little demons. Trained and willing to take over the world by my side, or in my honour should I fall foul to foes such as the 'career' or the 'love'. I train them well. They aleady have a penchant for mindless destruction (hence the bass guitar... *rolls eyes*). Soon they shall be ready to do my bidding... soooon....

Ah crap. They're not going to be ready to do my bidding unless I feed the little feckers... ah well.. dinner calls. World domination plans shall continue after we have feasted.... on.. uh.. fish fingers. Or something.

Hmm...