Past experience is not always a good thing.

Just when I thought I'd gotten over my irational fear of being in relationships, I have an "Eeeeeeeeeek!" moment. No reason, no rationalisation, just a fleeting feeling of 'Oh my god I'm in deep and that's scary!'. I should clarify that this is in no way because of him. I love my boyfriend. More than even I probably think about. It's taken a fair while to get to here, as he knows. Not because of him, he's wonderful and one of the few men I've met who is just himself and doesn't put on this false facade to try and attract women. The real reason is because of my past, well, 'experiences' with men. These admittedly have been mostly within the past year, and I basically became afraid of falling in love. To me Love = Pain, hurt, heartache, tears... and so I shut off. I didn't trust any man, didn't believe their intentions, their motives, I didn't actually think that any man can be worthy of putting my heart on the line again.

And then I got closer to my now-boyfriend. We'd been friends for ages. A good 1 1/2 - 2 years before we got together. He's had a thing for me for a fair while before we did eventually get together. He wasn't exactly subtle thinking about it, even if he meant to be, but at it actually took him telling me to realise it, at which point I was going through a whole load of shit with someone else and couldn't really take it in properly. That shit took me a long long time to get over. Or should I say it took me a long time to get over him and what happened, and because of that I wasn't myself for a long time. Earlier in the year he (my now boyfriend) and I actually fell out because of all the shit that was going on. So I had a spell of about 2-3 months where I had very little contact from either the guy who caused me the heartache, and my now-boyfriend. In this couple of months I sorted myself out. And then when I started talking to my now-boyfriend and we got closer and eventually started dating. However, I was still scarred by the previous events which left me really hesitant to take the chance again.

But, I gave it a shot, and here I am. :) Happily in love with my boyfriend, and bar a couple of clashes of stubborness (we're faaar too similar in that.. lol) things have been great. We've now been together nearly 5 months, and for the first time in a loooong time I'm feeling much better about myself and less blinded by fear of the whole 'L' word.

The odd thing being that today I had a fleeting 'eeeeeeeeek' moment. Out of the blue. For no real reason other than I think I scared myself with how much I've let go of the whole fear thing. The fear was my safety blanket. The fear was going to stop me getting hurt and heartbroken again. But now I'm relinquished that, I'm running on blind faith in him not breaking my heart, which is a scary concept for me. I feel out of sorts when I can't control situations. Ok, that sounds bad, I mean control as in it's my responsibility for my own happiness and security, and to essentially hand that over to someone else is rather daunting.

And yes, I'm fully aware that I overanalyse things. It's just how I am. I think too much. This is more just a general musing about how much I've changed emotionally in the past 5 months. I'm only blogging about it because I've finally realised that I've crossed a huuuuge step for me. I've let myself fall in love again and put my heart on the line. THAT'S whats scary. I'm back to the old me of taking chances and 'feeling' again, instead of shutting off my heart to the world. And finally back to the thinking of even if it does go wrong and I get heartbroken, all of this will have still been worth it, because right now I'm feeling great, very much in love and very, very happy. :)

To the rescue..

God what a day.

Today is day 1 of the summer holidays. Ash starts school in exactly 7 weeks. And for the coming weeks Ash isn't doing her government funded nursery sessions, just the sessions when I'm at work.

God.. please please please don't let every day of the holidays be like today. It's been utter hell. I've been trying to get my house tidy. This.. I've discovered is impossible. I managed to tidy my bedroom and put my clothes away.

After a good hour of hard graft and trying to keep the girls happy at the same time..

''Success!!'' I thought!! I have a clean room!!! And clean clothes!!

Oh... wait.... world war III has ensued in the rest of the house, so now instead of having a moderately cluttered and dirty house.. I have a clean bedroom and an absolute bombsite for the rest of the house. FFS... because.. of course.. silly me. I took my attention off the girls for a bit to try and get something done.. and what happened? They merrily set about creating 10x more work for me in other places.

God. Kill me. Kill me now. Maybe I should just lock myself in the bedroom and pretend I live in a spotless, but illequipped bedsit? Hmm maybe not then.

But today has been one of those days where you just want to resign from parenthood.
''I hereby give my 1 weeks notice to the termination of my mummy contract, I have regrettfully decided that I can no longer work with the customers and hereby resign from any parental duties.''
If only it were that simple!

I love them to death but JESUS WEPT they've been playing up recently. Hissy fits, fighting, biting, scratching, hiting, kicking, shouting, screaming, snatching, stabbing.... and I'm not even exaggerating. I'm worn out. Not only from that, they're absolute horrors in the evenings going to bed now and will easily go to bed and still be awake and playing up 2-3 hours later. That and they're waking up around 630am and playing up. I'm exhausted, I'm falling behind with housework and I want a holiday! Argh!

I could've eaaaasily just sat in the corner and cried from the stress today. I tried to make dinner, but because of being so busy I'd not be able to do a food shop, so I couldn't even make the spag bol I'd planned! The kids had devoured all the bread, milk and fruit after the early rising, seeing as I struggle to haul myself out of bed. I come down to a graveyard of bread crusts and spilt milk from where the girls have happily helped themselves and LITERALLY eaten us out of house and home. Thankfully they left me enough milk to have a much needed coffee... thanks kids..

Thankfully today I had a saviour. My wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. Who upon hearing my tales of woe and self pity, came round (without me asking) and watched the girls for a bit so I could have a break and go do a food shop so we actually had some food to eat. He would've put them to bed too had their room not have been so trashed he couldn't find their bedsheets and pyjamas. D'oh! I really am incredibly lucky to have someone like him. He'll probably say I'm talking crap but I can honestly say I've not known anyone as sweet or caring as him. He'll do anything to help me, and will go out of his way to see me smile. He treats me like a princess and even though he's never had to deal with children in this capacity before he'll happily look after them and they love him too. The really dote on him and it's really sweet. I'm just really very lucky really. And god knows he's been there when I've needed him like today. Even if I am stubborn and don't admit when I need it. Beef, you know who you are. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.

God what a day. Enough of the ranting. I need a bath and a destress before bed, and some bloody sleep! Will no doubt rant again soon.. but for now. Catch you on the flipside. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Night x