No rest for the wicked

Hello strangers :D (If anyone actually reads this thing.. lol)

So much has happened since I last posted and my life has gone into crazy hyper overdrive mode. I rarely get time to myself at the moment, in fact, I'm actually writing this from work! Lol Oh the irony..

Anyway.. after all my money worries and problems and gripes about being on benefits, guess what. I'm back at work! A new contract came through at work a few weeks ago and I am now working a whole 18 hours a week! The wage is pretty nice too :D, but more importantly, I'm now off benefits! Well ok, not entirely, but I'm now not on income support at all, and I just get a tiny amount of council tax benefit and housing benefit as I'm a single mum, and of course my tax credits/child benefit and whatnot.. but the main thing is that I'm not longer completely reliant on benefits to get by! It feels great! However I am now a proper little busy bee, as my new role Advisor/money advice assistant essentially means I'm a trainee debt caseworker, dealing with the smaller cases on my own and helping the qualified caseworkers. :D I love it! Only problem is this new contact is for 6 months only. So come March I'm going to start having to look elsewhere if no other funding comes up as I am NOT going back on benefits. No bloody way am I going back to that hell.

It's funny. This has been such an up and down year. I've caught myself on a few occasions thinking about just how much has changed. It's insane. The first half of the year was an utter mess in every way shape and form. But the second half has just gone strength to strength. It's still had it's ups and downs granted, you can never escape those really. That's life. There'll always be little issues and bumps in the road. My divorce is still going through for example, and I've had various problems with my ex, but now I've pretty much stopped regular contact with him things are getting easier. Still not perfect by any means and I'm still not happy with certain arrangements, but I won't go into detail on here. I love my girls and they're happy. That's all that matters and all I care about.

Things between me and the beef are great. Scary to think that come Christmas we'll have been together 7 months though. Where has this year gone??? For the first time in a long long time I'm actually happy with someone, I love him and it's most importantly reciprocated, and I'm actually ENJOYING being with someone, without NEEDING them. It sounds daft, but we have our individual lives and we meet in the middle, which is nice as we don't drive each other crazy (yet lol!) and I think on a personal level that's something I've not had in a long time. A life of my own that I have WILLINGLY shared with someone. Prior to this I've basically been dictated by everyone else. I can finally say, that for the first time in a looooooooong time, I'm truly happy :). Which is nice :D

The girls are both great, Ash is doing really well at school and KK is as cheeky and eeeevil as ever. Typical 2 year old. Lol. Ash is really coming into her own and really growing up fast. It's really blink and you miss it with them at the moment. They're both coming on and my babies are definitely well and truly gone. I can't believe they're nearly 5 and 3 respectively. Scary.... :\ I have to keep snapping myself out of flits of broodiness recently, which is crazy, seeing as I've only just started to regain my sanity. Lol! That and I'm pretty sure the beef would run a mile if I ever mentioned such suggestions to him..lmao! “Let's try for a baby!!.... wait... come back!! Where are you going?!?!....” lol :D How to put the frighteners up someone in one easy step :D I may be insane, but I'm not THAT insane.

Divorce wise things have been pretty straight forward so nothing really to tell. Applying for the Decree absolute on the 9th December, so you never know, may have it in time for Christmas. Lol Happy Christmas! Should come through pretty quick after I apply so just depends how busy the court is really. How exciting... not. Lol

Anyway, I should really quit rambling. But that's where I am now.. busy.. but very very happy :D Will try and keep writing as much as possible. But what with work, the girls, the house, the beef, the lbfs, the ou course and trying to have a social life it's all a bit manic! lol

What a difference a day/month/year makes..

Wow, it's beena fair while since I last blogged. But there's been so much change. I suppose part of me not blogging has simply because things have been so busy and I've had my mind so focused on other things.

The main thing of course being the car/money situation. Well I'm happy to report now that I have my car! :D After 4 long months of heartache and saving I finally have a car. I have to admit that possibly about 70% of it was thanks to help from my dad, and I'll remain ever grateful to him for everything that he's done since my ex screwed me over back in May. But now I have my car. I've had it exactly a week today. :) And in that week I've possibly driven nearly 250 miles and used nearly a whole tank of petrol enjoying my new found freedom lol. I've been to see friends, I've done proper food shopping at tesco instead of being ripped off by my local village store, I've done things with the girls.. it's been such a lifeline I can't even begin to describe it. Finally I can do things of my terms and it will eventually (I hope) open up new prospects for employment and just generally lead me to a more successful life.

As cheesy as that sounds, you don't realise how much you need a car until A) you lose it and B) you get it back again! :)

Money wise the situation is going to have a few iffy patches coming up. Obviously adjusting to having the additional running costs of car ownership, plus my ex has decided to cut my child maintenance. I won't go into that on here. You never know who is reading but it's going to make things potentially very difficult for me for the interim. The joys of the benefits system and no doubt I'll end up with another overpayment and blah blah blah yadda yadda. Just wish things could be agreed and then stuck to. Save messing me and the girls around. *sigh* But of course I have no control over it... but aaaaaaaaaanyway, I digress.

Job wise I'm still doing the same as I was, it's getting a lot of work now. and it's difficult juggling general advice and debt casework but I'm slowly getting used to accepting that sometimes you can't do everything at once and it's helping me start prioritising and reorganising myself.

Along with work I've now starting my Open University Social Sciences course, the first essay of which is du the 3rd Nov :eek: but I'm currently a couple of weeks ahead with that :) Tis interesting so far but not really linked to economics etc at the mo but it's all good and will link in eventually :)

The girls are well, Ashli is LOVING school, she can't wait to go each day, and KK is happy as a clam. Individually theya re wonderful angels capable of no evil.. but when they're togeeeeeeether... :\ lol

So although my current life is non stop, chaotic, busy and generally stressful, I still wouldn't change a thing. It may not be perfect, but where's the fun in perfection? It's the little oddities and the things that crop up which inevitably make us remember what's so great about the good things that happen. It enhances our appreciation for when things go well.

Funny old world we live in.. this time last year I'd split up with my husband and started becoming properly involved with my ex best friend ie 'theguyIwaswithbutwasn'twithbutwasbutonlyonhistermsbutwasiwithhimornot' guy. I still haven't blogged on that properly.. but I'm getting to the point where I don't think about it anymore. I'm sad I lost the friendship, as he now won't speak to me at all. I'd like to think that he'd like to be adult about it and at least talk to me, rather than doing the current thing of pretending I don't exist... but ho hum. Whatever helps him sleep at night. I'm not losing sleep over it. The live I have now is better than anything I had this time last year, all bar a few ups and downs. I have wonderful children, wonderful friends, a truly wonderful boyfriend who means the world to me (AND who hasn't broken my heart or treated me like shit, but there's still time on that one! lol /end cyniscism) and generally life is good.

Now... if I could just get a full time job, and more financial security I'd be laughing.

You hear me karma? Hello?...... helloooooooooooooo?? ....

God damn it.

it's oh so quiet... do do do doooo...

... do do do dooo.. do do do doooo dooo dooo.. ssssssssssssssh...


This morning is one of those mornings that are milestones in the whole journey of parenthood. This morning I sent my first born to school for the first time. Ash of course took it in her stride, I don't think I've ever SEEN a child so excited. This morning my alarm went off and I was greeted by a rumbling thunder of stampeding hooves running into my room...

"MUMMY!!! IT'S TIME FOR BIG SCHOOL!!!!! GET DRESSED FOR BIG SCHOOOL MUMMMMMMMMMMYYYY GET UUUUUUUUUUP!!!"

So through bleary eyes I lay in bed and watched her get herself dressed, then brush her teeth, without me having to help once. It was almost like being in a time warp, all I can remember is when I used to be able to cradle her in one arm and she was completely and utterly helpless. Now she was getting herself ready to go to school for the first time.

My god I feel old. lol!

I met up with one of my LBF's Fee who's daughter is in the year above. Ash and Tiff got on like a house on fire and as soon as we got into the school gates they ran off and started playing. Of course KK wanted to join in, and she got quite upset when the whistle went and all the children lined up and went in, as she wanted to go too, bless her.

So now we're home after a quick trip to the shops. It's so quiet it's unbelievable. If anything it's making me realise how much harder it is having 2 compared to 1. It's far more than double the work. KK is quite happily entertaining herself, occasionally asking after Ash and wanting to get her from school. It's quite sweet and it's obvious she misses her. Even though they sometimes fight like cat and dog they love each other really. I think it's just a sister thing to pretend they hate each other sometimes. lol

So here we are. A new era I suppose, officially a school run mum, quieter days and finally able to be able to go back to work once I get a car and find a job.

Still strange though... it's not quite the same without the same chaos that 2 children bring...

Stop knocking on death's door mummy, we want Dora on!

7am...

''Muuuuuummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..... muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy''

*Sar opens her bleary, aching eyes, and blinded by the sun which sends searing pain through her head, stumbles half concious to her daughters' room...*

''Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?''

''I want Dora on.....''

*Sar struggles with the stair gate, her aching joints shooting needle like pains through her limbs with every movement.... she hobbles over to the tv and puts Dora on for her ever so beloved children...''

''D-D-D-D-DOOOOORA!!! D-D-D-D-D-DOOOOOORA!!!! DOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOORA THE EXPLOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!....''

*Each syllable of the hell that is Nickolodeon's finest export echoes around her head with the force of Hurricane Andrew, tearing down her immune system like a picket fence, and leaving what small amount of sanity she had left, a scattered field of primary coloured and educational debris....*

*Sar staggers across the hall, the creak of the floorboards tearing at her ears and collapses into bed, muttering faint prays to whatever the hell god is responsible for easing the pain of swine flu.. *

''............ muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy.....''


Welcome to the world of single parenthood. When you're a single parent, you are simply BANNED from being ill.

Ever. At all.

Never.

Cold? Awww shame... where's my breakfast..

Appendicitis? That much hurt! Change my nappy!

Swine flu? Oooh piggy! I'm going to have a tantrum now!

Dying? Not before you put a movie on for me.. THEN you can die..

No matter how ill you are, no matter how grave your circumstances or how rough you feel. Life HAS to go on. You can't just forgo any duties around the house or to look after them, even if the only thing that'll help you get better is 24 hour bed rest....
Yea. good LUCK. In 24 SECONDS they'll have destroyed the house, set themselves on fire, defurred the cat and eaten the entire contents of the fridge/freezer, frozen/consumable or not..

If you think about it seriously it's quite scary. There has been a few times since my exhusband and I seperated, where I have been so ill I've been on the verge of being physically unable to look after the girls, but I've had to struggle on... food poisoning was one where I demanded that my ex have time off work and had the girls for the morning as I had been up for 36 hours and spend 12 of those vomiting violently.. but that was back when we were still on speaking terms, presumably because he thought there was some hope of us getting back together.
Another time was when my health really suffered because of the hell and upset of the whole 'best friend romantic involvement' incident. In the end the stress and I guess mild depression affected my health and I became really ill, could hardly breath, had chest pains, palpitations, could hardly stand without needing to lie down.. but I had to carry on regardless. In the end after a few weeks I got better and all was well.. but at the time it was horrendous.
The most recent time being this bloody swine flu.

Still quite scary to think about... even if I keeled over seriously ill.... and I needed to go to hospital and was literally at death's door.. I'd STILL have to sort the girls out even before that.... now that's a chilling thought.... :\

Encyclopedia Childhoodica Part 1

''Independence ''
Definition: Fending for yourself, while in effect eating/drinking yourself and your family out of house and home.

''Siblings''
Definition: Your lifelong foe and loathed enemy, who must be destroyed at any available opportunity and by any means neccesary.

''Sharing''
See alternative definition: ''Mine''

''Art''
Definition: A vast array of miscellaneous colours, shapes, textures and materials, forcibly and irretrievably applied to every available surface, regardless of value, sentimentality, rules, or artistic impression.

''Weapon''
Definition: Any item available and within reason to cause ''Demolition''.
Referenced examples: Crayons, ''Sustinence'', Body parts (Flesh and Calcified), Chairs, Tables, Gaming Paraphenalia, books, utensils, any object solid or liquified.
See related article: ''Demolition'', ''Sustinence''

''Entertainment''
See: ''Cbeebies'' (BBC, 2002 to present) Related link www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies
See also: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton, 2005)
Related link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367594/

''Demolition:
See alternative articles: ''Playing'', ''Sharing''.

''Sustinence''
Definition: Any material, animal or mineral, which may be ejected through the air at great speed and trajectory, usually towards valuable objects, and away from the place of origin. Such items are rarely ingested into the user's body for nutritional value, unless the item has a high cocoa or sugar content, or is of primary colour or not intended for human consumption.

''No''
Definition: Express permission to carry out any act or activity regardless of consequence.

''Playing''
Definition: Beating the living daylights out of the ''Sibling''.
Alternative definition: Demolition of any person, object or surface in sight, with any nearby '''weapon''.
See related articles ''Sibling'', ''Weapon''.
See outside source example: www.UFC.com

''Mothers''
Definition: Evil dictators of who's mission is to prevent ''playing'', ''demolition'', ''art'', ''independence'', and ''entertainment''.
Commonly used 'Mother' phrases: ''NO!'', ''Stop that!'', ''You plank!'', ''Can't you just place nice??'' and ''gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!''

To the rescue..

God what a day.

Today is day 1 of the summer holidays. Ash starts school in exactly 7 weeks. And for the coming weeks Ash isn't doing her government funded nursery sessions, just the sessions when I'm at work.

God.. please please please don't let every day of the holidays be like today. It's been utter hell. I've been trying to get my house tidy. This.. I've discovered is impossible. I managed to tidy my bedroom and put my clothes away.

After a good hour of hard graft and trying to keep the girls happy at the same time..

''Success!!'' I thought!! I have a clean room!!! And clean clothes!!

Oh... wait.... world war III has ensued in the rest of the house, so now instead of having a moderately cluttered and dirty house.. I have a clean bedroom and an absolute bombsite for the rest of the house. FFS... because.. of course.. silly me. I took my attention off the girls for a bit to try and get something done.. and what happened? They merrily set about creating 10x more work for me in other places.

God. Kill me. Kill me now. Maybe I should just lock myself in the bedroom and pretend I live in a spotless, but illequipped bedsit? Hmm maybe not then.

But today has been one of those days where you just want to resign from parenthood.
''I hereby give my 1 weeks notice to the termination of my mummy contract, I have regrettfully decided that I can no longer work with the customers and hereby resign from any parental duties.''
If only it were that simple!

I love them to death but JESUS WEPT they've been playing up recently. Hissy fits, fighting, biting, scratching, hiting, kicking, shouting, screaming, snatching, stabbing.... and I'm not even exaggerating. I'm worn out. Not only from that, they're absolute horrors in the evenings going to bed now and will easily go to bed and still be awake and playing up 2-3 hours later. That and they're waking up around 630am and playing up. I'm exhausted, I'm falling behind with housework and I want a holiday! Argh!

I could've eaaaasily just sat in the corner and cried from the stress today. I tried to make dinner, but because of being so busy I'd not be able to do a food shop, so I couldn't even make the spag bol I'd planned! The kids had devoured all the bread, milk and fruit after the early rising, seeing as I struggle to haul myself out of bed. I come down to a graveyard of bread crusts and spilt milk from where the girls have happily helped themselves and LITERALLY eaten us out of house and home. Thankfully they left me enough milk to have a much needed coffee... thanks kids..

Thankfully today I had a saviour. My wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. Who upon hearing my tales of woe and self pity, came round (without me asking) and watched the girls for a bit so I could have a break and go do a food shop so we actually had some food to eat. He would've put them to bed too had their room not have been so trashed he couldn't find their bedsheets and pyjamas. D'oh! I really am incredibly lucky to have someone like him. He'll probably say I'm talking crap but I can honestly say I've not known anyone as sweet or caring as him. He'll do anything to help me, and will go out of his way to see me smile. He treats me like a princess and even though he's never had to deal with children in this capacity before he'll happily look after them and they love him too. The really dote on him and it's really sweet. I'm just really very lucky really. And god knows he's been there when I've needed him like today. Even if I am stubborn and don't admit when I need it. Beef, you know who you are. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.

God what a day. Enough of the ranting. I need a bath and a destress before bed, and some bloody sleep! Will no doubt rant again soon.. but for now. Catch you on the flipside. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Night x

The eternal trade off.

Sanity vs raising children.

Ok, so maybe this is going to be a bit of a self indulgent moan/rant... but I'm going to do it anyway :P

Raising children on your own is the single hardest thing in the world. 18 years, minimum, of stress, tantrums, heartache, anger, frustration, tears and sacrifices. The 'eternal trade off' I speak of.. is control. I have no control over my life anymore. The demonites have it. Everything I do is dictated by them. THEY let me go to work, when they're not ill, and when family finances allow me to pay for them to go to nursery. The family finances, again, being controlled by them (obviously not directly, otherwise all my money would be spent on primary coloured random objects and things that make obnoxious noises, plus a satellite subscription to every children's tv channel known to man as well as a never ending collection of 'special movies'.) I should really clarify, that special movies is the new my eldest demonite gives any new dvd, and not special movies in the 'wink wink nudge nudge' way. Having children is not my all encompassing cover up for a humongous porn collection.

Honest...

No really.

Stop looking at me like that!

But anyway. As I was saying. You sacrifice so much when you have children. Sleep. Money. A social life. Control. Treats. Relationships to some degree. It's very difficult to get 'you' time or alone time with someone special when you've got children replicating world war III in their bedroom and trying to claw each other's eyes out before attempting to commit suicide by climbing out of the (thankfully childproofed) first floor bedroom window.. or to go out and do anything social without the risk of a mini-tantrum-armageddon in the middle of the *insert any location here*...

Sanity??? What sanity???? I laugh at the concept of this 'sanity' you speak of. *narfnarfnarf*

I don't mean to moan. And it's impossible for anyone who isn't a parent to imagine the scale of the job parent's have. But anyone who does will know exactly what I'm on about.

When you have children, your life is no longer your own. You are 'parent'. You are now sole carer for a life, that without you, couldn't and wouldn't exist.

No pressure then...


*disclaimer - I love my demons. I wouldn't be without them. Ever. For all my moaning I still love them to pieces and cherish every day I'm priviledged to spend with them. But fuck me they're hard work...