A confession.

Wow... so my intention WAS to blog about my 'grand financial plan' but seeing as that was about a week ago it seems that I've been a touch busy! I've been working hard taking on my first debt case at work which is very exciting, and also having a busy social life since I last wrote.. it's nice to be busy. I really enjoy it. Considering I have spent the past.... *count* 4 years, basically, as a stay at home mum, being 'work busy' is a welcome change and I revel in it. I'm no good as a stay at home mum. I NEED adult contact. I need conversation. I need stimulation (fnaaaaaaaaar...!) and more than anything I need a 'me' life. I am not just 'mum' and when I start to feel like that I get very depressed and angsty. When it comes down to it?

I hate being a stay at home mum.

There, I said it. I just can't do it. I know a few people who are stay at home mums and they are amazing at it. They take the ups and the downs, not neccesarily with a smile but always with utter devotion to the 'stay at home mum cause'. I have SO much respect for people like that. I find it astonishing that people can essentially sacrifice a part of themselves and become 'mum' 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

But I just can't do it. Please don't get me wrong, I love my children beyond words, I would do anything for them. But that's exactly the reason I HAVE been a stay at home mum. If it were up to me I'd be at work full time now. I did it for them. They were my driving force and the reason I have sacrificed so much. It comes with the territory when you're a mother. It's unquestionable. Infallable.

I have no regrets of anything up to now. My children are 2 and 4, and I have given them the best start in life that I could possibly could. It's not been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and there's plenty I'd change if I could. But I don't think I've done too badly up to now. I'll make up the sacrifices to them one day. But for the moment they're happy, healthy, and (generally) loving well rounded kids. I like to think I've done an ok job, albeit not perfect.

Not they're older I'm trying to reclaim 'me'. I've been working hard towards a career and financial stability, as well as a life for myself away from the 'mum' tag. And so far it's going pretty well.. I have some wonderful friends, the best social life I've had for years and am in a much much better position that I have been. Things are still hard, especially where money is concerned, but on the whole life is good. Earlier in the year I put together a plan for coming year. I wish I could find it, but I'm fairly sure I'd be able to tick a fair few things off now. :) Sometimes I really don't think about how lucky I am, and only focus on the difficulties. Admittedly it's hard not to when life has a penchant for biting you in the ass, as this year has proven.

One of the positives to report is that, by the end of August (Bar any nasty suprises.. I may be optimistic, but I'm not unrealistic..) I'll have £415 saved towards a car minimum. I have put some items on ebay, so we shall see if that brings in any extra, but so long as I stick to my budget I'll have £415 towards my freedommobile. It's not much.. and it's a long hard slog... but even the smallest steps get you where you're going eventually.

Whatever happens I'm proud of myself for managing as I have been. When you're faced with so much adversity sometimes you need to sit back and be thankful for the little achievements, no matter how small, and to remember that even the little changes add up to a big change eventually. And patience is a virtue.

Better be anyway... else I'll be rather cheesed off!

;)

Stop knocking on death's door mummy, we want Dora on!

7am...

''Muuuuuummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..... muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy''

*Sar opens her bleary, aching eyes, and blinded by the sun which sends searing pain through her head, stumbles half concious to her daughters' room...*

''Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?''

''I want Dora on.....''

*Sar struggles with the stair gate, her aching joints shooting needle like pains through her limbs with every movement.... she hobbles over to the tv and puts Dora on for her ever so beloved children...''

''D-D-D-D-DOOOOORA!!! D-D-D-D-D-DOOOOOORA!!!! DOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOOOORA DOOOOOOOOORA THE EXPLOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!....''

*Each syllable of the hell that is Nickolodeon's finest export echoes around her head with the force of Hurricane Andrew, tearing down her immune system like a picket fence, and leaving what small amount of sanity she had left, a scattered field of primary coloured and educational debris....*

*Sar staggers across the hall, the creak of the floorboards tearing at her ears and collapses into bed, muttering faint prays to whatever the hell god is responsible for easing the pain of swine flu.. *

''............ muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy.....''


Welcome to the world of single parenthood. When you're a single parent, you are simply BANNED from being ill.

Ever. At all.

Never.

Cold? Awww shame... where's my breakfast..

Appendicitis? That much hurt! Change my nappy!

Swine flu? Oooh piggy! I'm going to have a tantrum now!

Dying? Not before you put a movie on for me.. THEN you can die..

No matter how ill you are, no matter how grave your circumstances or how rough you feel. Life HAS to go on. You can't just forgo any duties around the house or to look after them, even if the only thing that'll help you get better is 24 hour bed rest....
Yea. good LUCK. In 24 SECONDS they'll have destroyed the house, set themselves on fire, defurred the cat and eaten the entire contents of the fridge/freezer, frozen/consumable or not..

If you think about it seriously it's quite scary. There has been a few times since my exhusband and I seperated, where I have been so ill I've been on the verge of being physically unable to look after the girls, but I've had to struggle on... food poisoning was one where I demanded that my ex have time off work and had the girls for the morning as I had been up for 36 hours and spend 12 of those vomiting violently.. but that was back when we were still on speaking terms, presumably because he thought there was some hope of us getting back together.
Another time was when my health really suffered because of the hell and upset of the whole 'best friend romantic involvement' incident. In the end the stress and I guess mild depression affected my health and I became really ill, could hardly breath, had chest pains, palpitations, could hardly stand without needing to lie down.. but I had to carry on regardless. In the end after a few weeks I got better and all was well.. but at the time it was horrendous.
The most recent time being this bloody swine flu.

Still quite scary to think about... even if I keeled over seriously ill.... and I needed to go to hospital and was literally at death's door.. I'd STILL have to sort the girls out even before that.... now that's a chilling thought.... :\