Past experience is not always a good thing.

Just when I thought I'd gotten over my irational fear of being in relationships, I have an "Eeeeeeeeeek!" moment. No reason, no rationalisation, just a fleeting feeling of 'Oh my god I'm in deep and that's scary!'. I should clarify that this is in no way because of him. I love my boyfriend. More than even I probably think about. It's taken a fair while to get to here, as he knows. Not because of him, he's wonderful and one of the few men I've met who is just himself and doesn't put on this false facade to try and attract women. The real reason is because of my past, well, 'experiences' with men. These admittedly have been mostly within the past year, and I basically became afraid of falling in love. To me Love = Pain, hurt, heartache, tears... and so I shut off. I didn't trust any man, didn't believe their intentions, their motives, I didn't actually think that any man can be worthy of putting my heart on the line again.

And then I got closer to my now-boyfriend. We'd been friends for ages. A good 1 1/2 - 2 years before we got together. He's had a thing for me for a fair while before we did eventually get together. He wasn't exactly subtle thinking about it, even if he meant to be, but at it actually took him telling me to realise it, at which point I was going through a whole load of shit with someone else and couldn't really take it in properly. That shit took me a long long time to get over. Or should I say it took me a long time to get over him and what happened, and because of that I wasn't myself for a long time. Earlier in the year he (my now boyfriend) and I actually fell out because of all the shit that was going on. So I had a spell of about 2-3 months where I had very little contact from either the guy who caused me the heartache, and my now-boyfriend. In this couple of months I sorted myself out. And then when I started talking to my now-boyfriend and we got closer and eventually started dating. However, I was still scarred by the previous events which left me really hesitant to take the chance again.

But, I gave it a shot, and here I am. :) Happily in love with my boyfriend, and bar a couple of clashes of stubborness (we're faaar too similar in that.. lol) things have been great. We've now been together nearly 5 months, and for the first time in a loooong time I'm feeling much better about myself and less blinded by fear of the whole 'L' word.

The odd thing being that today I had a fleeting 'eeeeeeeeek' moment. Out of the blue. For no real reason other than I think I scared myself with how much I've let go of the whole fear thing. The fear was my safety blanket. The fear was going to stop me getting hurt and heartbroken again. But now I'm relinquished that, I'm running on blind faith in him not breaking my heart, which is a scary concept for me. I feel out of sorts when I can't control situations. Ok, that sounds bad, I mean control as in it's my responsibility for my own happiness and security, and to essentially hand that over to someone else is rather daunting.

And yes, I'm fully aware that I overanalyse things. It's just how I am. I think too much. This is more just a general musing about how much I've changed emotionally in the past 5 months. I'm only blogging about it because I've finally realised that I've crossed a huuuuge step for me. I've let myself fall in love again and put my heart on the line. THAT'S whats scary. I'm back to the old me of taking chances and 'feeling' again, instead of shutting off my heart to the world. And finally back to the thinking of even if it does go wrong and I get heartbroken, all of this will have still been worth it, because right now I'm feeling great, very much in love and very, very happy. :)

The birth of Emotard

I’ve just realised I’ve never actually explained the significance of ‘’Emotard’’ or indeed which I now affectionately call myself it…

“Emotard”
Definition- A combination of “Emotional” and “Retard”, may or may not bare relevance to the “Emo” style genre of the early 2000’s. Generally characterised by over emotion, sentimentality and general extreme displays of feelings and fuckwittedness.

I R Emotard. *waves*

I’ve always been the same, I don’t DO normal feelings, I go to the next level with them. ESPECIALLY when it comes to negative emotions like sadness. I don’t just mope.. I mope BIG STYLE. I don’t just fall for someone, I fall HARD. And When I get hurt? I hurt bad. Which is where my ‘title’ was born. Over the past year I got hurt, and I suffered for a looooooooooong long time. A ridiculously long time. Granted it wasn’t really my fault as there were other things which dragged it out, but when push came to shove I couldn’t let go and after the ‘final time’ (I’ll explain all about this another time, sorry if it doesn’t make sense at the moment..) it took me a long time before I could even feel that putting my heart on the line again was worth the risk. A new version of Emotard was born, cynical, untrusting, hurt, cold and who expected to have her heart ripped to shreds again if she put it on the line. That ‘last time’ was March, and I can say that it took until at LEAST the end of June to be able to say “Yea, it’s worth the risk” again. It’s now August and I’m glad I ‘took the plunge’ back into the world of love again, as it’s paying off. I’m still fully expecting to get hurt again, but that’s part of the inevitable cynicism I’m developed from being fucked over so many times. It’s unavoidable. But at least now I’m willing to give it a chance again. The benefit of hurting so bad and so intensely is that it gets it out of your system quicker in the most cases. Unless history repeats itself, THAT’S when you get fucked over… *rolls eyes @ the memory*

I also cry. A lot. Although thankfully not as much recently as I have done in a while. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m embarrassed, I cry when I’m stressed, I cry when I’m angry and I cry when I’m hurt. I don’t, however, cry when I’m bored, now that really WOULD be retarded.

I guess you could just say I’m very very empathic, and very in tune with my own emotions, and not afraid of showing them. Nothing wrong with that… but crying in public is just downright embarrassing.. lol

I wouldn’t change me though, being an Emotard is part of who I am, even if people do think I go to extremes sometimes. I just FEEL things. It also crosses over into my spirituality too and I’m more open to feeling things and sensing things, even if a few people do think I’m crazy, or a hapless victim of my own imagination. I believe what I believe, I feel what I feel, and feck ye if you don’t like it. :)