Psychosomatic?

This afternoon I came home to find a letter from the NHS and my GP on my mat. I opened it with happy hope that I'd had my hospital appointment through for my cancer referral and that I might be closer to getting some answers into what's wrong. Sadly, it was a random NHS questionaire and a letter from my GP confirming they'd sent off my 'fast track' referral and to contact them if I hadn't had a call or letter from the hospital within 14 days as they'd need to chase it up.

So back I went, back to the disappointed frustration of still not knowing what the hell's going on.

But then I started thinking, what if it's all in my head? The physical symptoms I can't ignore, the pain, the unexplained bleeding and such. But the other symptoms... what if my brain was just messing with me? A product of an ingrained paranoia and fear of 'the big C' from when my mum died of Cancer. I know for a fact I can be overly cautious and anxious. It's a trait I got from my mum who suffered with depression for a long time and had some anxious personality traits due to having had strokes.

I'm also having symptoms I wouldn't normally link with a gynaecological problem. Dizziness, panic attacks, nausea and general confusion. I actually ended up doing a pregnancy test so I could at least rule THAT out. It was negative of course, but in a daft way part of me wished it was positive. Not because I want another child, but just because then I'd KNOW. I'd have an explanation. It'd prove that I'm not crazy or imagining things.

I mean, can I really be THAT unlucky? Months of work/money stress, numerous bands folding before they've even got going, wisdom teeth that have been plaguing me for the past 6 months, my beloved cat dying out of the blue... and now this? Weeks of worry about my health and facing a god damn cancer scare at the age of 24. I'm struggling to sleep soundly as I'm plagued with dreams related to death and cancer/hospitals and I can't sit still for more than 10 minutes before the thoughts start creeping back into my head. It's getting ridiculous.

But the other thought is, what if I don't get any answers? What if it is nothing? I'll have gone through all this stress for nothing.

So is it wrong to hope that they do find something (Non serious of course), just the problems I've been having have a reason, and I'm not actually just slowly going insane?

All change.

What a rollercoaster of a few months it's been. I can't even begin to explain the majority of it. It's been so up and down it's unbelievable, because as it always the case with my life, when it's good it's great and when it's bad it's awful. Not that I'm writing this looking for sympathy. It's just I NEED to get all the crap going round my head out I suppose, but things have been so busy recently that I've not had chance.
To summarise the main points of change recently.

I joined, and left a band, shortly before our first gig. Leaving was not through fault of my own though as the drummer and guitarist decided to call it a day. Frustrating as it was only a few weeks after deciding to start gigging. Your guess is as good as mine.

I've signed up to take my Grade 4 RGT bass exam, and currently revising for that as it can take place any time in June/July. Nervous, but looking forward to it. It's hard work though as before January I'd done no theory at all...

My beloved cat Lewis died last week after a short but fatal illness. The vet didn't know exactly what it was, but the last few days went downhill so quickly they thought it was either Poisoning or Meningitis. I was absolutely distraught as he was a massive part of the family and it still doesn't feel right without him. I've been mooching over the idea of getting another cat, as I'd been planning before he died, but part of me still feels as though it would be disrespectful to Lewis. Almost as if I'd be replacing him. No cat could replace Lewis, but I still have the guilt.

Jobwise I'm happy to say that I start a new job on the 5th May, a temporary contract until November as a Money Advice Caseworker for another local CAB. Also I've been able to keep on a small 4 hours contract at my current CAB as well as being able to do a day there voluntary as a favour to my boss. Looking forward to starting but it's a happy end to what's been an uncertain and stressful 6 months jobwise. Least the pay is good. :)

My main worry at the moment is my health though. The past couple of months have been really stressful all round, as generally if things go shit in my life they go VERY shit. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's just a lack of ability to deal with things. I'm generally a very strong person and have been through so much shit in my life as it is you think I'd be used to it.
Anyway. it's culminated in my now awaiting an appointment for an urgent cancer referral at my local gynae unit to check for potential cervical cancer. I had a big problem last year which was treated and I was referred then, but due to childcare commitments I couldn't go for the follow up. I was treated for an infection at the same time and the majority of the symptoms cleared up. The other symptom carried on but I didn't think anything of it. Fast forward to the past couple of months where I've been having problems again. Again, I've been treated for an infection but more symptoms have remained this time so I've been referred to the hospital with the fear of it them being caused cervical cancer.

I'm not going to go into the symptoms on here that I've been getting as A) it's personal and B) it's embarassing.

But for the sake of other who may not be aware what the symptoms are here's some info.
http://cancer.about.com/od/cervicalcancer/a/cervcancrsympt.htm

Although those symptoms can be the signs of other things, according to the doctor the symptoms I have are the main indictors, so I have to be tested ASAP. Looking at that list (It's the first time I've even thought to look what the symptoms are, you don't just think things like that are a possibility at my age..), I should've gone to the doctors a good 6 months ago and definitely had that follow up appointment. :\

At the moment I don't know what to think. It could be absolutely nothing. Or it could be cancer. My mum died of lung cancer, and 'the big C' is the one possibility in life that scares the crap out of me. I saw the suffering my mum went through and her eventual death. I don't want to go through that, and more importantly I don't want to put my kids through that. What would happen to the kids?? I've got no will? I've got no PLAN for anything like that. God, there are so many questions like that going round my head right now. I know it's possibly being overanxious as nothing is confirmed yet. I'm only 24, I'm otherwise healthy (If you ignore persistent infected wisdom teeth!) and happy, if stressed. But it's impossible to get the what if's/buts/maybes out of your head with something like this.

I've never been through a cancer scare before. Frankly, I'm petrified.