Not that I'm bitter about the bitchy slag-hag.... oh no. *mumbles incoherently*
But anyway, I put the idea on the shelf after the whole 'charity' incident as it hugely knocked my confidence, as much as I shouldn't have let it. I'm a sensitive soul at heart, as much as I try and cover it up with extrovertness and outward self confidence.
Then Poor Lewis died. :(
After that point I felt like to even consider the idea of getting another cat would somehow be disrespectful. That I'd be seen as trying to replace him and that I was being insensitive to his memory or something equally irrational. Just thinking about it made me feel horribly guilty, sad, and even more mournful for Lewis.
Now, you may say it's ridiculous, being so attached to 'just an animal'. But he wasn't just an animal. He was my baby boy. He was as much a part of the family as mey, or Ashli, or Kaitlyn. His passing left a huge whole in the family and the house has felt empty ever since. It's odd actually. I never realised just how much of a presence a pet could have but now I feel uncomfortable being at home alone. It's strange. I feel all panicky and alone when I go to bed. The loneliness is borne of being so used to Lewis being there with me at night. He always used to sleep on my bed and have cuddles, before inevitably deciding he'd had enough, biting me, and then bogging off to the other side of the bed. But now I don't have that and it's strange to adapt to. It also doesn't help with trying to fill the hole in the family that he left behind.
It's now been about 3 weeks since he died. The hole is still there and although in general we're getting on with life it still doesn't feel right. I've always had cats since I was maybe about 9/10. They've always been a big part of my life and I've never wanted to imagine life without them if I'm honest. I am, and will always be, a cat person. Maybe not so much as being a crazy cat lady... yet... but anyone who loves cats will know what I mean. They play such a part in your life that they leave an impression on you forever, and they become a huge part of your life. Especially when you have them from kittens.
So, out of interest, I've been keeping an eye out for any adverts for cats or kittens. I wasn't looking to get a new one straight away. More just to keep an ear to the ground if you like, and if something came up I could think about it more seriously.
Yesterday I saw one. An ad in our local supermarket.
"4 kittens, 6 weeks old,
weaned and litter trained,
£20 each and ready to go.
I saved the number in my mobile. I wasn't seriously considering calling it but I thought it would be at least a good idea to take down the number just in case I changed my mind.
I don't really know what spurred me into calling the number this afternoon. It was one of those whim decisions where you just think "Feck it, why not.". So I called. All of the kittens were still available as she'd literally only just started advertising. They only lived about 2 minutes away from where I would be at work tomorrow, so I've arranged to go and see them tomorrow lunchtime, taking along one of my best friends who's also considering getting one after seeing me mention it on facebook.
I'll be honest, I spent most of the afternoon wondering whether I was ready to 'move on' from Lewis, and whether it would be a good idea with me just starting a new job. Of course in my head my worries were just making me think of varying excuses really. There was no rational reason that going to see them would do any harm. But still I couldn't shake the underlying guilt.
Then, something rather odd happened.
I'd left something in the car, so as the kids were in their room watching a movie I nipped out to grab it. I opened the front door and there was a very cute tortie cat sat on my doorstep, just looking at me. Needless to say I was a bit surprised, but I gave it a bit of fuss anyway. It was ever so friendly and quite happily stood there getting some chin scratches. I presumed as soon as I disappeared it would run off back home, wherever that may be, as it didn't look like a stray. It was very happy, friendly and looked very healthy and wellfed.
Anyway, I left it on my doorstep and went to the car. When I got back I couldn't see it anywhere so I presumed it had disappeared. I went into the house and closed the door. Only to see it toddling off up the stairs and into the girls room! The girls of course were very excited and actually thought it was my dad's cat, Lucky, as they both have similar markings. The cat then wandered off downstairs to explore the rest of the house with me, albeit rather puzzled, following behind.
I gave it a bit of food and water in case it was lost but it then quite happily wandered around the house exploring and coming up for occasional fuss for a good half hour.
In the end I said my goodbyes and put him/her back outside. I couldn't have bared the thought of some other family being heartbroken about it going missing so it was best to send it on it's way with a full belly and some love.
I sat down after putting it out thinking what a strange coincidence it was.
People who know me know that I'm a massive believer in things happening for a reason. Although I don't believe in fate as such, being a preplanned existence that we're powerless over, I believe in a kind of life where we're guided along a path, the way of which can be altered and varied depending on our actions and our willingness to change. I believe in a higher energy which guides us with gentles reminders and 'nudges' every now and then, to either reassure us of our path, or to guide onto something better, to help us to make our decisions and walk our own path. I hope that makes sense to those reading it! Ah the joys of being pagan, it's hard to describe! lol.
But anyway, my point being that I genuinely think that this 'visit' today, was by way of reassurance that getting another cat would be ok. Some ethereal reassurance that everything would work out and not to feel bad for wanting to move on. When the cat was here it was really nice. The feeling of the family being whole again returned, and it reaffirmed by want for another cat. So whatever you want to believe, (I know my boyfriend for one thinks I'm crazy and doesn't get involved with my beliefs..) I'm content in the feeling that whatever happens, everything will work out ok in the end. Wherever Lewis' spirit is now, I would never be able to replace him. He is, was, and always will be, my baby boy. No cat in the world could change that.
But sometimes you'd just got to accept the circle of life for what it is, and learn to move on.