Friday 22 January 2010

A fresh start?

I'm not sure what it is with me recently. I keep finding myself thinking about ifs and buts and things that I could do but that aren't really realistic practical at the moment. I'm talking about the possibility of a fresh start. A new job, a new house, a new life... somewhere away from here.

This in itself is weird for me. I spent my first 13 years of life being moved around from house to house, country to country, continent to continent, but my unsettled and debt ridden parents. They solved their problems by moving and running away from them. So I've very much become desperate for stability and security. I never had that when I was a child. So you would think that the last thing I'd want to do to myself and my kids would be to move. To some degree that's right. But me just writing the bit above about my parents has made me twig something...

"They solved their problems by moving and running away from them."

I think, in a nutshell this is what's going on in the back of my mind. I don't WANT to move. I don't WANT to unsettle us and have to start afresh. I'm looking for a new job anyway. And sure.. if the perfect job came up and it meant moving to be nearer then of course I'd realistically think about it. But that's last resort.

There's only really one reason I've been wanting to move away. My ex. The past year has seen him do a complete character reversal, and he's still be clinging on to ways to control me. Sadly, the only way he can do that now is through the girls. He's been messing us about, and more than anything, making repeated comments which insinuate that I'm basically a selfish bitch who neglects the girls and is essentially a bad mother. The trouble is he's completely obvious (at least I hope he's oblivious, has to be said nothing would surprise me anymore) to what he says. He is NEVER in the wrong. Ever. But that's the way he's always been. Part of the many layered and complex reasons I left him in the first place.

The long and short of it is, I'm fed up of being made to feel like a bad mother, and having the girls constantly messed about. We need stability, we need calm, and we need security to be able to be happy.

The sad fact is that other than this one part of my life, life is great. I'm the happiest I think I've ever been at the moment. I'm generally happy and content. The girls are great and growing up into great kids.. if stubborn! But I have to admit to being worried about how the very strained relationship with their father will effect them. Another reason for the wanting a fresh start.

If I can get away from the problem.. can I protect them from the hell I went through as a child?

I'm fully away that this could be read as though I want to run away and stop all contact with their father. I couldn't do that. It's not fair on the girls and they need a male role model in their life. Which to be fair is the only reason I put up with the constant crap I get. The sacrifice you make as a mother eh? I would never stop contact with him unless the girls themselves told me that they didn't want contact anymore. I would in no way manipulate or control them into a choice either. It's their choice and theirs alone.

But that's the sad part... they're becoming less and less bothered. I think they're so used to being let down by him now that they've stopped caring.

For example, when he first started messing us about the girls would be inconsolable. They'd want to see him all the time, they'd cry, they'd tantrum, they'd be distraught if they couldn't see him when they expected him. They got upset, I got upset because they were upset, it was a vicious circle.
So take today... their dad sent a typically shitty text about him being ill, which inevitably culminated with him not having the girls tonight. Ash is smart. And she knows the routine. After school on a friday they go to dads after dinner. So this is how it went today.
"Mummy, we going to daddy's later?"
"Not tonight darlin', he's poorly."
"When will we see him?"
"I don't know hun, I'm sorry."
"We going somewhere special tomorrow?"....

And that was it. No reaction. Not fussed. K didn't even ask and hasn't even noticed the change. Ash just doesn't care. They used to get really excited about going, but now...? They're 4 and as-good-as-3. It doesn't bode well for the future.

But as for the fresh start? What would it solve? It would be likely to cause more arguments than anything, even if potentially temporarily. I don't know. Part of me still gets tempted by the idea. But for all the shit I've been getting and want to get away from, I have so much going for me here. Ashli is going well at school, and both her and K have lots of friends at school and nursery. I'm on the path to a great well paid job, it's just a case of finding one that's permanent. I have my own place which is cheap, I have my dad local and a good relationship with him now. I've got my beautiful daughters, amazing friends and the closest bunch of girlie mates I have EVER had. Even at school. And of course I have Ian. And things are great with us, so what happens if in the future we decide to get a place together? You just don't know how things are going to pan out.

So I think at the moment I should focus my efforts on making my girls happy, ignoring the bullshit, sorting my job out and enjoying the amazing things I have right here. Instead of pining for something that wouldn't actually solve the problem anyway....

2 comments:

  1. Just wanted to send you a big ((hug)). Hang in there honey. You are absolutely right, running away won't fix things. The incredibly positive and brilliant things you have in your life and now WILL. I hope things get easier, I really, really do xxx

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  2. Thank you hun, me too! I'm sure they will once certain people realise they don't actually control my life anymore..

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