A fresh start?

I'm not sure what it is with me recently. I keep finding myself thinking about ifs and buts and things that I could do but that aren't really realistic practical at the moment. I'm talking about the possibility of a fresh start. A new job, a new house, a new life... somewhere away from here.

This in itself is weird for me. I spent my first 13 years of life being moved around from house to house, country to country, continent to continent, but my unsettled and debt ridden parents. They solved their problems by moving and running away from them. So I've very much become desperate for stability and security. I never had that when I was a child. So you would think that the last thing I'd want to do to myself and my kids would be to move. To some degree that's right. But me just writing the bit above about my parents has made me twig something...

"They solved their problems by moving and running away from them."

I think, in a nutshell this is what's going on in the back of my mind. I don't WANT to move. I don't WANT to unsettle us and have to start afresh. I'm looking for a new job anyway. And sure.. if the perfect job came up and it meant moving to be nearer then of course I'd realistically think about it. But that's last resort.

There's only really one reason I've been wanting to move away. My ex. The past year has seen him do a complete character reversal, and he's still be clinging on to ways to control me. Sadly, the only way he can do that now is through the girls. He's been messing us about, and more than anything, making repeated comments which insinuate that I'm basically a selfish bitch who neglects the girls and is essentially a bad mother. The trouble is he's completely obvious (at least I hope he's oblivious, has to be said nothing would surprise me anymore) to what he says. He is NEVER in the wrong. Ever. But that's the way he's always been. Part of the many layered and complex reasons I left him in the first place.

The long and short of it is, I'm fed up of being made to feel like a bad mother, and having the girls constantly messed about. We need stability, we need calm, and we need security to be able to be happy.

The sad fact is that other than this one part of my life, life is great. I'm the happiest I think I've ever been at the moment. I'm generally happy and content. The girls are great and growing up into great kids.. if stubborn! But I have to admit to being worried about how the very strained relationship with their father will effect them. Another reason for the wanting a fresh start.

If I can get away from the problem.. can I protect them from the hell I went through as a child?

I'm fully away that this could be read as though I want to run away and stop all contact with their father. I couldn't do that. It's not fair on the girls and they need a male role model in their life. Which to be fair is the only reason I put up with the constant crap I get. The sacrifice you make as a mother eh? I would never stop contact with him unless the girls themselves told me that they didn't want contact anymore. I would in no way manipulate or control them into a choice either. It's their choice and theirs alone.

But that's the sad part... they're becoming less and less bothered. I think they're so used to being let down by him now that they've stopped caring.

For example, when he first started messing us about the girls would be inconsolable. They'd want to see him all the time, they'd cry, they'd tantrum, they'd be distraught if they couldn't see him when they expected him. They got upset, I got upset because they were upset, it was a vicious circle.
So take today... their dad sent a typically shitty text about him being ill, which inevitably culminated with him not having the girls tonight. Ash is smart. And she knows the routine. After school on a friday they go to dads after dinner. So this is how it went today.
"Mummy, we going to daddy's later?"
"Not tonight darlin', he's poorly."
"When will we see him?"
"I don't know hun, I'm sorry."
"We going somewhere special tomorrow?"....

And that was it. No reaction. Not fussed. K didn't even ask and hasn't even noticed the change. Ash just doesn't care. They used to get really excited about going, but now...? They're 4 and as-good-as-3. It doesn't bode well for the future.

But as for the fresh start? What would it solve? It would be likely to cause more arguments than anything, even if potentially temporarily. I don't know. Part of me still gets tempted by the idea. But for all the shit I've been getting and want to get away from, I have so much going for me here. Ashli is going well at school, and both her and K have lots of friends at school and nursery. I'm on the path to a great well paid job, it's just a case of finding one that's permanent. I have my own place which is cheap, I have my dad local and a good relationship with him now. I've got my beautiful daughters, amazing friends and the closest bunch of girlie mates I have EVER had. Even at school. And of course I have Ian. And things are great with us, so what happens if in the future we decide to get a place together? You just don't know how things are going to pan out.

So I think at the moment I should focus my efforts on making my girls happy, ignoring the bullshit, sorting my job out and enjoying the amazing things I have right here. Instead of pining for something that wouldn't actually solve the problem anyway....

Life as a deafhead

I've found myself in a strange predicament recently. I am, currently, at least, partially deaf. It's not permanent (I hope :\) and tomorrow I should be having it sorted out.

Monday night I had my second band practice with my new band at which I used foam earplugs. Now, since before christmas I've had problems with wax blocking my ears. and I was SUPPOSED to have gone and had them syringed to clear the blockage. But because of the girls and work I didn't get chance to go and left it, but kept meaning to go. So come monday after practice, I leave and I'm pretty much deaf. My preexisting tinnitus is screaming at me and everything was muffled. I didn't think anything of it. I just thought that practice must've been loud and to turn down next time. Through the night it continued, disturbing my sleep and driving me crazy.
Then I woke up tuesday and it was even worse. I had slept through my alarm and was woken only by the girls turning the lights on. It was then I realised that I STILL couldn't hear anything clearly. I was also getting shooting pains deep in my ears. I booked myself an emergency appointment at the doctors that morning and went straight down. Seems that the earplugs had pushed the existing blocked wax further into my ear, completely blocking everything off. Treatment? Olive oil in the ears repeatedly for up to 5 days then go back and have them syringed. That was it. No help for the pain, no solution to the deafness.. nothing. Come back in a week.

So I went to work. I had a debt appointment I had to keep so went in straight from the doctors. I managed to bumble my way through before going home, just about managing to make out what people were saying and holding myself together. When I got in I put the olive oil in my ears. That was the point at which I went substantially deaf. Presumably the oil made everything swell up and blocked it even more. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't hear the girls, I couldn't hear the tv, I couldn't hear myself talk. Quite literally all I could hear was the internal echo of my own voice the my tinnitus screaming in my head.

For those of you who don't know what tinnitus is, it's basically the brain being tricked into hearing something that there isn't an actual external source for. It's making it's own noise basically, and it can be triggered by hearing damage through loud noise, infection, or foreign bodies in the ear canal putting pressure on the ear drum. My preexisting tinnitus is from hearing damage through loud music and playing in bands without wearing earplugs. Thankfully I've learned my lesson in that respect, and now wear earplugs at every practice and any gig. But in this instance, I've got the wax putting pressure on the eardrum as well as the existing. And because I can't hear any normal background noise to take my mind off the normal ringing it sounds like it's 100x louder than normal. And it's driving me insane. The deafness is bad enough on it's own but when all I can hear is an extremely loud high pitched ringing, combined with hissing like you'd get from an out of tune tv (but mostly the ringing), I was expecting to be put in a padded room by the time the afternoon was out.

Oh... and if you want an idea of what tinnitus can sound like... check this out. From the British Tinnitus association website..

http://www.tinnitus.org.uk/files/representation%20of%20tinnitus%20sounds%2032b.mp3

Now imagine that in your head... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...

It's been 2 full days. 2 days of being 'deaf'. It's been a very strange experience, and actually very, very frightening. Because of the noises in my head I keep thinking I'm hearing things, and I don't know if I'm hearing them or not. I think I can hear music, but there isn't anything playing I keep thinking I hear the girls calling, but they're fast asleep. It's actually quite frightening because it becomes very easy to start questioning yourself and your sanity! When in reality my brain is just distorting the tiny amount of sounds I can hear and combining them with the tinnitus and coming up with something weird and otherwordly. I swear someone was playing a guitar and talkbox in my head earlier..

It's also been very, very lonely. And I will admit there's been times over the past couple of days where I have broken down in tears. Partly the frustration, partly the frightening nature of it, and partly because you feel so alone. You are literally alone with your thoughts. You can't hear other people, you can't watch the tv properly, or listen to music, or do normal things. I had to call in sick today as there would've been no way I could've interviewed my clients. So I have been alone. alone with this screaming in my head, completely isolated from pretty much all normal sound. Ian, my boyfriend came over last night, but I could hardly hear him talk. I had to struggle to work out what he was saying and thankfully I know him well enough to understand his mannerisms etc. I was just grateful of some company, and something to distract myself from this horrible internal loneliness. I did feel sorry for him because I must've been awful company. Having to have subtitles on the tv and not being able to hear what he was saying, even though he was merely inches away. Tonight, I'm on my own, and it's taking all of my effort to not break down. Thankfully I have my appointment to get them syringed tomorrow afternoon at 3. But this is only because Ian has been kind enough to take an hour or so off work otherwise I would've had to wait til next thursday. Over a week away. I think at that point I would've been insane. PROPERLY insane. Rocking in a corner repeatedly punching myself in the side of the head.

Over the course of the afternoon I've had little 'clicks' after which I've been able to very temporarily hear. I'm talking literally a fraction of a second of clear hearing. The sound is deafeningly loud and really overwhelming! But, it's reassuring me that this is only temporary and that once it's treated and sorted, I'll be able to hear again.

Hearing, I've learnt the hard way, is something you really can't take for granted. And there's no way now I'd ever not wear earplugs at gigs or practices now. I also have some less noticeable earprotectors I'm going to start wearing to loud pubs/clubs as well. I never, ever, want the tinnutus to get this bad, or to damage my hearing any more than it has been. It's been a horrible, scary, lonely and upsetting experience. and it's only been 3 days. Imagine if it was permanent...