My own worst enemy

I certainly didn't gain the Emotard title for nothing. I have no idea what's wrong with me tonight but I'm all over the place so I have taken a step back from civilised society and just sat and moped. Hence the blog title. I guess I'm just having one of those overthinking nights. I'm worried about my health issues... I'm not sure if I've gone into detail on here considering the personal nature, but to cut a long story short I'm now awaiting an appointment with a specialist to try and figure out what's going on. The more I wait, the more my mind goes AWOL and the more I worry. I'm lying awake at night thinking all sorts, I'm panicking at any kind of 'symptoms'. I have crossed the line into full blown hypochondria. It's ridiculous and I know it's irrational. But all I can think is, what if?

Admittedly, this is a very bad time of year for this to be happening. VERY bad. On the 14th September it's the anniversary of my mum's death. 4 years to the day. Not that the 4 years makes it easier. Tonight for example I just sat and cried for a while about it. Thinking about how much I missed her and how much I wish she was around at times like this. She died of lung cancer, and my grandad had cancer, although he survived. So the family history isn't helping the paranoias and hypochondria. Also when I saw the doctor last week she mentioned about something to do with a family history of strokes, and a possible inherent blood clotting problem? Which of course could mean anything. Frankly I've no idea anymore. I'm sick of worrying and getting upset about it. My head is blowing everything out of proportion. I'm fully aware of that. But I can't help it. It's not me I'm worried about really. It's the girls. The worry has sparked off thoughts of 'what if... what would happen to them' and of course it escalates from there. Thoughts of not seeing them grow up etc, I suppose perfectly natural for a parent and not exactly something I've not thought about before. I think every parent has. Being a parent makes you very aware of your own mortality.

I need to get a grip. I need to get a grip and stop stressing about things I can't control and overthinking. Yes, I've got a problem. It could be something, it could be nothing. All I can do is wait, and concentrate on getting past the anniversary of my mum's death without breaking down too much.

Time is a healer, but sometimes it hurts just as bad.

it's oh so quiet... do do do doooo...

... do do do dooo.. do do do doooo dooo dooo.. ssssssssssssssh...


This morning is one of those mornings that are milestones in the whole journey of parenthood. This morning I sent my first born to school for the first time. Ash of course took it in her stride, I don't think I've ever SEEN a child so excited. This morning my alarm went off and I was greeted by a rumbling thunder of stampeding hooves running into my room...

"MUMMY!!! IT'S TIME FOR BIG SCHOOL!!!!! GET DRESSED FOR BIG SCHOOOL MUMMMMMMMMMMYYYY GET UUUUUUUUUUP!!!"

So through bleary eyes I lay in bed and watched her get herself dressed, then brush her teeth, without me having to help once. It was almost like being in a time warp, all I can remember is when I used to be able to cradle her in one arm and she was completely and utterly helpless. Now she was getting herself ready to go to school for the first time.

My god I feel old. lol!

I met up with one of my LBF's Fee who's daughter is in the year above. Ash and Tiff got on like a house on fire and as soon as we got into the school gates they ran off and started playing. Of course KK wanted to join in, and she got quite upset when the whistle went and all the children lined up and went in, as she wanted to go too, bless her.

So now we're home after a quick trip to the shops. It's so quiet it's unbelievable. If anything it's making me realise how much harder it is having 2 compared to 1. It's far more than double the work. KK is quite happily entertaining herself, occasionally asking after Ash and wanting to get her from school. It's quite sweet and it's obvious she misses her. Even though they sometimes fight like cat and dog they love each other really. I think it's just a sister thing to pretend they hate each other sometimes. lol

So here we are. A new era I suppose, officially a school run mum, quieter days and finally able to be able to go back to work once I get a car and find a job.

Still strange though... it's not quite the same without the same chaos that 2 children bring...

Saving Suckiness

Saving for something sucks. Big time.

I'm doing really well with my car savings. But at the moment I'm in that crappy position of 'so close but yet so far'. I currently have £820.07 plus £92.52 to come from work expenses. I should've had the cheque by now but still haven't... very frustrating but hopefully I'll get it tomorrow. Fingers crossed anyway. That'll mean I have £910ish. Woo! I've been looking at a lot of KAs for sale locally and on ebay and am definitely set on getting one. Theoretically I could get one with the money I have. I've seen quite a few. But if I can hold out a bit longer and get to £1500 then I'd be able to be a bit pickier and get something that isn't ancient with tonnes of miles on it. It's just a question of patience and putting up with being skint and unable to really go anywhere except work at the moment.

Today some more things have gone into the paper, so fingers crossed they sell. I haven't heard anything yet. But there's still time. Still hoping for that lottery win too.. fat chance of that though lol. Have also been doing some things to cut down my monthly expenditure. Have switched my gas and electric, saving approx £6 a month, and gone through quidco for £62 cashback. Have also written to Orange complaining, as they agreed to drop my tariff back in April when I renewed and it STILL hasn't been swapped, so I've complained asking for them to correct it and reduce the tariff to £15 from £30 plus give me a refund of the extra charges since april.. so that'll be a nice little amount if I win. Fingers crossed! I just need to look into my phone/broadband now and see if I can find anyone cheaper. Have also cut my spending budget in half for the time being. I'm rarely going out. If I buy anything it's for the girls or housekeeping stuff. I'm just not spending any money on myself at the moment as I can't justify it as the need for a car is greater. So at the moment I'm just going without and the money saved is going towards a car basically.

Obviously not having as much of a life at the moment... haven't been out for lunches/dates with my boyfriend in ages, although he has also been ill. But I suppose one of the big factors is that as much as I want to, it just comes down to me feel guilty at not being able to contribute to the cost. I'm very stubborn and want to support myself, so sometimes I'm very begrudging in letting others pay for things. I'm sure Ian will back me up on that. I have a real problem with wanting to be sefl sufficient and if I can't be or can't pay my share of something it really knocks my self esteem. But at the mo I've got no choice which I suppose is one of the reasons I've not been suggesting going out etc to Ian and Cel or other friends. If I've gone out with friends I've barely spent anything unless it was necessary. The last money I spent going out was £1.05 for a whole weekend and that was for a donation to the hospice in which my mum was cared for when she was dying. Although not an essential expense, one i felt was justified. But even then I felt guilty when friends were buying me water or something. It's quite sad really. Hell, I've even stopped buying breakfast on the way to work simply to save the £3.38. I think the last time I spent proper money was on a cinema trip with my best friend Cel. Even then I felt bad for spending the money but it was very much worth it for a bit of an escape from frugalness. Plus it was a great movie.. lol

It does get to a point where I think it's quite sad. That I've been resorted to basically giving up having money, simply to be able to get something I need. It does get me down a little bit I'll be honest. Having to scrimp and save so much in the vain hope that it'll allow me to get out of this rut and get back into a normal life and off benefits. It's very demoralising. But for the moment I'm doing well with my saving and putting aside literally every spare penny. Hopefully it'll be worth it in the end and I'll be able to get back on track and start living again without having to think whether it'll cost me money I can't afford...

Oh well. Let's just hope it all pays off.

I often wonder though, when I do have the money and am able to get a car... will I find it hard to actually hand over the savings which I've scrimped and saved and sacrificed everything to be able to attain?

Guess only time will tell on that one.