My own worst enemy

I certainly didn't gain the Emotard title for nothing. I have no idea what's wrong with me tonight but I'm all over the place so I have taken a step back from civilised society and just sat and moped. Hence the blog title. I guess I'm just having one of those overthinking nights. I'm worried about my health issues... I'm not sure if I've gone into detail on here considering the personal nature, but to cut a long story short I'm now awaiting an appointment with a specialist to try and figure out what's going on. The more I wait, the more my mind goes AWOL and the more I worry. I'm lying awake at night thinking all sorts, I'm panicking at any kind of 'symptoms'. I have crossed the line into full blown hypochondria. It's ridiculous and I know it's irrational. But all I can think is, what if?

Admittedly, this is a very bad time of year for this to be happening. VERY bad. On the 14th September it's the anniversary of my mum's death. 4 years to the day. Not that the 4 years makes it easier. Tonight for example I just sat and cried for a while about it. Thinking about how much I missed her and how much I wish she was around at times like this. She died of lung cancer, and my grandad had cancer, although he survived. So the family history isn't helping the paranoias and hypochondria. Also when I saw the doctor last week she mentioned about something to do with a family history of strokes, and a possible inherent blood clotting problem? Which of course could mean anything. Frankly I've no idea anymore. I'm sick of worrying and getting upset about it. My head is blowing everything out of proportion. I'm fully aware of that. But I can't help it. It's not me I'm worried about really. It's the girls. The worry has sparked off thoughts of 'what if... what would happen to them' and of course it escalates from there. Thoughts of not seeing them grow up etc, I suppose perfectly natural for a parent and not exactly something I've not thought about before. I think every parent has. Being a parent makes you very aware of your own mortality.

I need to get a grip. I need to get a grip and stop stressing about things I can't control and overthinking. Yes, I've got a problem. It could be something, it could be nothing. All I can do is wait, and concentrate on getting past the anniversary of my mum's death without breaking down too much.

Time is a healer, but sometimes it hurts just as bad.