Time to move on?

Before Lewis died, I'd been thinking about getting another cat as a companion for him. I'd tried, but to no avail, only to be told by vile slag-hag charity worker with more snootiness than sense that my 'house was too chaotic and my children too naughty' to rehome a kitten from a local cat charity. Bitch. It was complete and utter bollocks. Yes, I'll admit I don't have the tidiest of houses, but you try having 2 children and a technically full time job. My children aren't overly naughty. They have their moments granted but unless you live in the 'children should be seen and not heard' era and permanently gag your children, who are tied to their beds for 23 hours out of every day then please EXCUSE ME if I have 'normal' children who make a bit of noise and mess.

Not that I'm bitter about the bitchy slag-hag.... oh no. *mumbles incoherently*

But anyway, I put the idea on the shelf after the whole 'charity' incident as it hugely knocked my confidence, as much as I shouldn't have let it. I'm a sensitive soul at heart, as much as I try and cover it up with extrovertness and outward self confidence.

Then Poor Lewis died. :(

After that point I felt like to even consider the idea of getting another cat would somehow be disrespectful. That I'd be seen as trying to replace him and that I was being insensitive to his memory or something equally irrational. Just thinking about it made me feel horribly guilty, sad, and even more mournful for Lewis.

Now, you may say it's ridiculous, being so attached to 'just an animal'. But he wasn't just an animal. He was my baby boy. He was as much a part of the family as mey, or Ashli, or Kaitlyn. His passing left a huge whole in the family and the house has felt empty ever since. It's odd actually. I never realised just how much of a presence a pet could have but now I feel uncomfortable being at home alone. It's strange. I feel all panicky and alone when I go to bed. The loneliness is borne of being so used to Lewis being there with me at night. He always used to sleep on my bed and have cuddles, before inevitably deciding he'd had enough, biting me, and then bogging off to the other side of the bed. But now I don't have that and it's strange to adapt to. It also doesn't help with trying to fill the hole in the family that he left behind.



It's now been about 3 weeks since he died. The hole is still there and although in general we're getting on with life it still doesn't feel right. I've always had cats since I was maybe about 9/10. They've always been a big part of my life and I've never wanted to imagine life without them if I'm honest. I am, and will always be, a cat person. Maybe not so much as being a crazy cat lady... yet... but anyone who loves cats will know what I mean. They play such a part in your life that they leave an impression on you forever, and they become a huge part of your life. Especially when you have them from kittens.

So, out of interest, I've been keeping an eye out for any adverts for cats or kittens. I wasn't looking to get a new one straight away. More just to keep an ear to the ground if you like, and if something came up I could think about it more seriously.

Yesterday I saw one. An ad in our local supermarket.

"4 kittens, 6 weeks old,
weaned and litter trained,
£20 each and ready to go.
Call ##########"

I saved the number in my mobile. I wasn't seriously considering calling it but I thought it would be at least a good idea to take down the number just in case I changed my mind.

I don't really know what spurred me into calling the number this afternoon. It was one of those whim decisions where you just think "Feck it, why not.". So I called. All of the kittens were still available as she'd literally only just started advertising. They only lived about 2 minutes away from where I would be at work tomorrow, so I've arranged to go and see them tomorrow lunchtime, taking along one of my best friends who's also considering getting one after seeing me mention it on facebook.

I'll be honest, I spent most of the afternoon wondering whether I was ready to 'move on' from Lewis, and whether it would be a good idea with me just starting a new job. Of course in my head my worries were just making me think of varying excuses really. There was no rational reason that going to see them would do any harm. But still I couldn't shake the underlying guilt.

Then, something rather odd happened.

I'd left something in the car, so as the kids were in their room watching a movie I nipped out to grab it. I opened the front door and there was a very cute tortie cat sat on my doorstep, just looking at me. Needless to say I was a bit surprised, but I gave it a bit of fuss anyway. It was ever so friendly and quite happily stood there getting some chin scratches. I presumed as soon as I disappeared it would run off back home, wherever that may be, as it didn't look like a stray. It was very happy, friendly and looked very healthy and wellfed.
Anyway, I left it on my doorstep and went to the car. When I got back I couldn't see it anywhere so I presumed it had disappeared. I went into the house and closed the door. Only to see it toddling off up the stairs and into the girls room! The girls of course were very excited and actually thought it was my dad's cat, Lucky, as they both have similar markings. The cat then wandered off downstairs to explore the rest of the house with me, albeit rather puzzled, following behind.

I gave it a bit of food and water in case it was lost but it then quite happily wandered around the house exploring and coming up for occasional fuss for a good half hour.

In the end I said my goodbyes and put him/her back outside. I couldn't have bared the thought of some other family being heartbroken about it going missing so it was best to send it on it's way with a full belly and some love.

I sat down after putting it out thinking what a strange coincidence it was.

People who know me know that I'm a massive believer in things happening for a reason. Although I don't believe in fate as such, being a preplanned existence that we're powerless over, I believe in a kind of life where we're guided along a path, the way of which can be altered and varied depending on our actions and our willingness to change. I believe in a higher energy which guides us with gentles reminders and 'nudges' every now and then, to either reassure us of our path, or to guide onto something better, to help us to make our decisions and walk our own path. I hope that makes sense to those reading it! Ah the joys of being pagan, it's hard to describe! lol.

But anyway, my point being that I genuinely think that this 'visit' today, was by way of reassurance that getting another cat would be ok. Some ethereal reassurance that everything would work out and not to feel bad for wanting to move on. When the cat was here it was really nice. The feeling of the family being whole again returned, and it reaffirmed by want for another cat. So whatever you want to believe, (I know my boyfriend for one thinks I'm crazy and doesn't get involved with my beliefs..) I'm content in the feeling that whatever happens, everything will work out ok in the end. Wherever Lewis' spirit is now, I would never be able to replace him. He is, was, and always will be, my baby boy. No cat in the world could change that.

But sometimes you'd just got to accept the circle of life for what it is, and learn to move on.

Psychosomatic?

This afternoon I came home to find a letter from the NHS and my GP on my mat. I opened it with happy hope that I'd had my hospital appointment through for my cancer referral and that I might be closer to getting some answers into what's wrong. Sadly, it was a random NHS questionaire and a letter from my GP confirming they'd sent off my 'fast track' referral and to contact them if I hadn't had a call or letter from the hospital within 14 days as they'd need to chase it up.

So back I went, back to the disappointed frustration of still not knowing what the hell's going on.

But then I started thinking, what if it's all in my head? The physical symptoms I can't ignore, the pain, the unexplained bleeding and such. But the other symptoms... what if my brain was just messing with me? A product of an ingrained paranoia and fear of 'the big C' from when my mum died of Cancer. I know for a fact I can be overly cautious and anxious. It's a trait I got from my mum who suffered with depression for a long time and had some anxious personality traits due to having had strokes.

I'm also having symptoms I wouldn't normally link with a gynaecological problem. Dizziness, panic attacks, nausea and general confusion. I actually ended up doing a pregnancy test so I could at least rule THAT out. It was negative of course, but in a daft way part of me wished it was positive. Not because I want another child, but just because then I'd KNOW. I'd have an explanation. It'd prove that I'm not crazy or imagining things.

I mean, can I really be THAT unlucky? Months of work/money stress, numerous bands folding before they've even got going, wisdom teeth that have been plaguing me for the past 6 months, my beloved cat dying out of the blue... and now this? Weeks of worry about my health and facing a god damn cancer scare at the age of 24. I'm struggling to sleep soundly as I'm plagued with dreams related to death and cancer/hospitals and I can't sit still for more than 10 minutes before the thoughts start creeping back into my head. It's getting ridiculous.

But the other thought is, what if I don't get any answers? What if it is nothing? I'll have gone through all this stress for nothing.

So is it wrong to hope that they do find something (Non serious of course), just the problems I've been having have a reason, and I'm not actually just slowly going insane?

All change.

What a rollercoaster of a few months it's been. I can't even begin to explain the majority of it. It's been so up and down it's unbelievable, because as it always the case with my life, when it's good it's great and when it's bad it's awful. Not that I'm writing this looking for sympathy. It's just I NEED to get all the crap going round my head out I suppose, but things have been so busy recently that I've not had chance.
To summarise the main points of change recently.

I joined, and left a band, shortly before our first gig. Leaving was not through fault of my own though as the drummer and guitarist decided to call it a day. Frustrating as it was only a few weeks after deciding to start gigging. Your guess is as good as mine.

I've signed up to take my Grade 4 RGT bass exam, and currently revising for that as it can take place any time in June/July. Nervous, but looking forward to it. It's hard work though as before January I'd done no theory at all...

My beloved cat Lewis died last week after a short but fatal illness. The vet didn't know exactly what it was, but the last few days went downhill so quickly they thought it was either Poisoning or Meningitis. I was absolutely distraught as he was a massive part of the family and it still doesn't feel right without him. I've been mooching over the idea of getting another cat, as I'd been planning before he died, but part of me still feels as though it would be disrespectful to Lewis. Almost as if I'd be replacing him. No cat could replace Lewis, but I still have the guilt.

Jobwise I'm happy to say that I start a new job on the 5th May, a temporary contract until November as a Money Advice Caseworker for another local CAB. Also I've been able to keep on a small 4 hours contract at my current CAB as well as being able to do a day there voluntary as a favour to my boss. Looking forward to starting but it's a happy end to what's been an uncertain and stressful 6 months jobwise. Least the pay is good. :)

My main worry at the moment is my health though. The past couple of months have been really stressful all round, as generally if things go shit in my life they go VERY shit. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's just a lack of ability to deal with things. I'm generally a very strong person and have been through so much shit in my life as it is you think I'd be used to it.
Anyway. it's culminated in my now awaiting an appointment for an urgent cancer referral at my local gynae unit to check for potential cervical cancer. I had a big problem last year which was treated and I was referred then, but due to childcare commitments I couldn't go for the follow up. I was treated for an infection at the same time and the majority of the symptoms cleared up. The other symptom carried on but I didn't think anything of it. Fast forward to the past couple of months where I've been having problems again. Again, I've been treated for an infection but more symptoms have remained this time so I've been referred to the hospital with the fear of it them being caused cervical cancer.

I'm not going to go into the symptoms on here that I've been getting as A) it's personal and B) it's embarassing.

But for the sake of other who may not be aware what the symptoms are here's some info.
http://cancer.about.com/od/cervicalcancer/a/cervcancrsympt.htm

Although those symptoms can be the signs of other things, according to the doctor the symptoms I have are the main indictors, so I have to be tested ASAP. Looking at that list (It's the first time I've even thought to look what the symptoms are, you don't just think things like that are a possibility at my age..), I should've gone to the doctors a good 6 months ago and definitely had that follow up appointment. :\

At the moment I don't know what to think. It could be absolutely nothing. Or it could be cancer. My mum died of lung cancer, and 'the big C' is the one possibility in life that scares the crap out of me. I saw the suffering my mum went through and her eventual death. I don't want to go through that, and more importantly I don't want to put my kids through that. What would happen to the kids?? I've got no will? I've got no PLAN for anything like that. God, there are so many questions like that going round my head right now. I know it's possibly being overanxious as nothing is confirmed yet. I'm only 24, I'm otherwise healthy (If you ignore persistent infected wisdom teeth!) and happy, if stressed. But it's impossible to get the what if's/buts/maybes out of your head with something like this.

I've never been through a cancer scare before. Frankly, I'm petrified.

A fresh start?

I'm not sure what it is with me recently. I keep finding myself thinking about ifs and buts and things that I could do but that aren't really realistic practical at the moment. I'm talking about the possibility of a fresh start. A new job, a new house, a new life... somewhere away from here.

This in itself is weird for me. I spent my first 13 years of life being moved around from house to house, country to country, continent to continent, but my unsettled and debt ridden parents. They solved their problems by moving and running away from them. So I've very much become desperate for stability and security. I never had that when I was a child. So you would think that the last thing I'd want to do to myself and my kids would be to move. To some degree that's right. But me just writing the bit above about my parents has made me twig something...

"They solved their problems by moving and running away from them."

I think, in a nutshell this is what's going on in the back of my mind. I don't WANT to move. I don't WANT to unsettle us and have to start afresh. I'm looking for a new job anyway. And sure.. if the perfect job came up and it meant moving to be nearer then of course I'd realistically think about it. But that's last resort.

There's only really one reason I've been wanting to move away. My ex. The past year has seen him do a complete character reversal, and he's still be clinging on to ways to control me. Sadly, the only way he can do that now is through the girls. He's been messing us about, and more than anything, making repeated comments which insinuate that I'm basically a selfish bitch who neglects the girls and is essentially a bad mother. The trouble is he's completely obvious (at least I hope he's oblivious, has to be said nothing would surprise me anymore) to what he says. He is NEVER in the wrong. Ever. But that's the way he's always been. Part of the many layered and complex reasons I left him in the first place.

The long and short of it is, I'm fed up of being made to feel like a bad mother, and having the girls constantly messed about. We need stability, we need calm, and we need security to be able to be happy.

The sad fact is that other than this one part of my life, life is great. I'm the happiest I think I've ever been at the moment. I'm generally happy and content. The girls are great and growing up into great kids.. if stubborn! But I have to admit to being worried about how the very strained relationship with their father will effect them. Another reason for the wanting a fresh start.

If I can get away from the problem.. can I protect them from the hell I went through as a child?

I'm fully away that this could be read as though I want to run away and stop all contact with their father. I couldn't do that. It's not fair on the girls and they need a male role model in their life. Which to be fair is the only reason I put up with the constant crap I get. The sacrifice you make as a mother eh? I would never stop contact with him unless the girls themselves told me that they didn't want contact anymore. I would in no way manipulate or control them into a choice either. It's their choice and theirs alone.

But that's the sad part... they're becoming less and less bothered. I think they're so used to being let down by him now that they've stopped caring.

For example, when he first started messing us about the girls would be inconsolable. They'd want to see him all the time, they'd cry, they'd tantrum, they'd be distraught if they couldn't see him when they expected him. They got upset, I got upset because they were upset, it was a vicious circle.
So take today... their dad sent a typically shitty text about him being ill, which inevitably culminated with him not having the girls tonight. Ash is smart. And she knows the routine. After school on a friday they go to dads after dinner. So this is how it went today.
"Mummy, we going to daddy's later?"
"Not tonight darlin', he's poorly."
"When will we see him?"
"I don't know hun, I'm sorry."
"We going somewhere special tomorrow?"....

And that was it. No reaction. Not fussed. K didn't even ask and hasn't even noticed the change. Ash just doesn't care. They used to get really excited about going, but now...? They're 4 and as-good-as-3. It doesn't bode well for the future.

But as for the fresh start? What would it solve? It would be likely to cause more arguments than anything, even if potentially temporarily. I don't know. Part of me still gets tempted by the idea. But for all the shit I've been getting and want to get away from, I have so much going for me here. Ashli is going well at school, and both her and K have lots of friends at school and nursery. I'm on the path to a great well paid job, it's just a case of finding one that's permanent. I have my own place which is cheap, I have my dad local and a good relationship with him now. I've got my beautiful daughters, amazing friends and the closest bunch of girlie mates I have EVER had. Even at school. And of course I have Ian. And things are great with us, so what happens if in the future we decide to get a place together? You just don't know how things are going to pan out.

So I think at the moment I should focus my efforts on making my girls happy, ignoring the bullshit, sorting my job out and enjoying the amazing things I have right here. Instead of pining for something that wouldn't actually solve the problem anyway....

Life as a deafhead

I've found myself in a strange predicament recently. I am, currently, at least, partially deaf. It's not permanent (I hope :\) and tomorrow I should be having it sorted out.

Monday night I had my second band practice with my new band at which I used foam earplugs. Now, since before christmas I've had problems with wax blocking my ears. and I was SUPPOSED to have gone and had them syringed to clear the blockage. But because of the girls and work I didn't get chance to go and left it, but kept meaning to go. So come monday after practice, I leave and I'm pretty much deaf. My preexisting tinnitus is screaming at me and everything was muffled. I didn't think anything of it. I just thought that practice must've been loud and to turn down next time. Through the night it continued, disturbing my sleep and driving me crazy.
Then I woke up tuesday and it was even worse. I had slept through my alarm and was woken only by the girls turning the lights on. It was then I realised that I STILL couldn't hear anything clearly. I was also getting shooting pains deep in my ears. I booked myself an emergency appointment at the doctors that morning and went straight down. Seems that the earplugs had pushed the existing blocked wax further into my ear, completely blocking everything off. Treatment? Olive oil in the ears repeatedly for up to 5 days then go back and have them syringed. That was it. No help for the pain, no solution to the deafness.. nothing. Come back in a week.

So I went to work. I had a debt appointment I had to keep so went in straight from the doctors. I managed to bumble my way through before going home, just about managing to make out what people were saying and holding myself together. When I got in I put the olive oil in my ears. That was the point at which I went substantially deaf. Presumably the oil made everything swell up and blocked it even more. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't hear the girls, I couldn't hear the tv, I couldn't hear myself talk. Quite literally all I could hear was the internal echo of my own voice the my tinnitus screaming in my head.

For those of you who don't know what tinnitus is, it's basically the brain being tricked into hearing something that there isn't an actual external source for. It's making it's own noise basically, and it can be triggered by hearing damage through loud noise, infection, or foreign bodies in the ear canal putting pressure on the ear drum. My preexisting tinnitus is from hearing damage through loud music and playing in bands without wearing earplugs. Thankfully I've learned my lesson in that respect, and now wear earplugs at every practice and any gig. But in this instance, I've got the wax putting pressure on the eardrum as well as the existing. And because I can't hear any normal background noise to take my mind off the normal ringing it sounds like it's 100x louder than normal. And it's driving me insane. The deafness is bad enough on it's own but when all I can hear is an extremely loud high pitched ringing, combined with hissing like you'd get from an out of tune tv (but mostly the ringing), I was expecting to be put in a padded room by the time the afternoon was out.

Oh... and if you want an idea of what tinnitus can sound like... check this out. From the British Tinnitus association website..

http://www.tinnitus.org.uk/files/representation%20of%20tinnitus%20sounds%2032b.mp3

Now imagine that in your head... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...

It's been 2 full days. 2 days of being 'deaf'. It's been a very strange experience, and actually very, very frightening. Because of the noises in my head I keep thinking I'm hearing things, and I don't know if I'm hearing them or not. I think I can hear music, but there isn't anything playing I keep thinking I hear the girls calling, but they're fast asleep. It's actually quite frightening because it becomes very easy to start questioning yourself and your sanity! When in reality my brain is just distorting the tiny amount of sounds I can hear and combining them with the tinnitus and coming up with something weird and otherwordly. I swear someone was playing a guitar and talkbox in my head earlier..

It's also been very, very lonely. And I will admit there's been times over the past couple of days where I have broken down in tears. Partly the frustration, partly the frightening nature of it, and partly because you feel so alone. You are literally alone with your thoughts. You can't hear other people, you can't watch the tv properly, or listen to music, or do normal things. I had to call in sick today as there would've been no way I could've interviewed my clients. So I have been alone. alone with this screaming in my head, completely isolated from pretty much all normal sound. Ian, my boyfriend came over last night, but I could hardly hear him talk. I had to struggle to work out what he was saying and thankfully I know him well enough to understand his mannerisms etc. I was just grateful of some company, and something to distract myself from this horrible internal loneliness. I did feel sorry for him because I must've been awful company. Having to have subtitles on the tv and not being able to hear what he was saying, even though he was merely inches away. Tonight, I'm on my own, and it's taking all of my effort to not break down. Thankfully I have my appointment to get them syringed tomorrow afternoon at 3. But this is only because Ian has been kind enough to take an hour or so off work otherwise I would've had to wait til next thursday. Over a week away. I think at that point I would've been insane. PROPERLY insane. Rocking in a corner repeatedly punching myself in the side of the head.

Over the course of the afternoon I've had little 'clicks' after which I've been able to very temporarily hear. I'm talking literally a fraction of a second of clear hearing. The sound is deafeningly loud and really overwhelming! But, it's reassuring me that this is only temporary and that once it's treated and sorted, I'll be able to hear again.

Hearing, I've learnt the hard way, is something you really can't take for granted. And there's no way now I'd ever not wear earplugs at gigs or practices now. I also have some less noticeable earprotectors I'm going to start wearing to loud pubs/clubs as well. I never, ever, want the tinnutus to get this bad, or to damage my hearing any more than it has been. It's been a horrible, scary, lonely and upsetting experience. and it's only been 3 days. Imagine if it was permanent...

carpetgate 2009

Asa xmas present from my dad, he's paid for me to have happy new living/dining room carpet :D
This however meant I've had to gut the room and take up the old carpet ready for it to be fitted tomorrow afternoon.
So began 2 hours or carnage and near death experiences...



Supervisor cat is supervising..



The incredibly odd list of baby girl names my mum wrote. Found UNDER my carpet. I moved in in October 2005. My mum DIED in sept 05 and my eldest daughter was born march 05.... wtf?



Never trust a woman high on prescription pills with a bread knife... uh oh.. too late. Speaking of prescription pills..



..the carrier bag mine came in.... lol. God bless wisdom teeth...





For some reason I painted that when we moved in and decorated. Who DOESN'T want to find "hi" in yellow paint on the floor?





Got to love the council's answer to flooring. "I know, lets stick thin slate tiles on tarmac!" Expected to find my own private parking space..

No rest for the wicked

Hello strangers :D (If anyone actually reads this thing.. lol)

So much has happened since I last posted and my life has gone into crazy hyper overdrive mode. I rarely get time to myself at the moment, in fact, I'm actually writing this from work! Lol Oh the irony..

Anyway.. after all my money worries and problems and gripes about being on benefits, guess what. I'm back at work! A new contract came through at work a few weeks ago and I am now working a whole 18 hours a week! The wage is pretty nice too :D, but more importantly, I'm now off benefits! Well ok, not entirely, but I'm now not on income support at all, and I just get a tiny amount of council tax benefit and housing benefit as I'm a single mum, and of course my tax credits/child benefit and whatnot.. but the main thing is that I'm not longer completely reliant on benefits to get by! It feels great! However I am now a proper little busy bee, as my new role Advisor/money advice assistant essentially means I'm a trainee debt caseworker, dealing with the smaller cases on my own and helping the qualified caseworkers. :D I love it! Only problem is this new contact is for 6 months only. So come March I'm going to start having to look elsewhere if no other funding comes up as I am NOT going back on benefits. No bloody way am I going back to that hell.

It's funny. This has been such an up and down year. I've caught myself on a few occasions thinking about just how much has changed. It's insane. The first half of the year was an utter mess in every way shape and form. But the second half has just gone strength to strength. It's still had it's ups and downs granted, you can never escape those really. That's life. There'll always be little issues and bumps in the road. My divorce is still going through for example, and I've had various problems with my ex, but now I've pretty much stopped regular contact with him things are getting easier. Still not perfect by any means and I'm still not happy with certain arrangements, but I won't go into detail on here. I love my girls and they're happy. That's all that matters and all I care about.

Things between me and the beef are great. Scary to think that come Christmas we'll have been together 7 months though. Where has this year gone??? For the first time in a long long time I'm actually happy with someone, I love him and it's most importantly reciprocated, and I'm actually ENJOYING being with someone, without NEEDING them. It sounds daft, but we have our individual lives and we meet in the middle, which is nice as we don't drive each other crazy (yet lol!) and I think on a personal level that's something I've not had in a long time. A life of my own that I have WILLINGLY shared with someone. Prior to this I've basically been dictated by everyone else. I can finally say, that for the first time in a looooooooong time, I'm truly happy :). Which is nice :D

The girls are both great, Ash is doing really well at school and KK is as cheeky and eeeevil as ever. Typical 2 year old. Lol. Ash is really coming into her own and really growing up fast. It's really blink and you miss it with them at the moment. They're both coming on and my babies are definitely well and truly gone. I can't believe they're nearly 5 and 3 respectively. Scary.... :\ I have to keep snapping myself out of flits of broodiness recently, which is crazy, seeing as I've only just started to regain my sanity. Lol! That and I'm pretty sure the beef would run a mile if I ever mentioned such suggestions to him..lmao! “Let's try for a baby!!.... wait... come back!! Where are you going?!?!....” lol :D How to put the frighteners up someone in one easy step :D I may be insane, but I'm not THAT insane.

Divorce wise things have been pretty straight forward so nothing really to tell. Applying for the Decree absolute on the 9th December, so you never know, may have it in time for Christmas. Lol Happy Christmas! Should come through pretty quick after I apply so just depends how busy the court is really. How exciting... not. Lol

Anyway, I should really quit rambling. But that's where I am now.. busy.. but very very happy :D Will try and keep writing as much as possible. But what with work, the girls, the house, the beef, the lbfs, the ou course and trying to have a social life it's all a bit manic! lol

Things to be grateful for.

I've had an awful week for a variety of reasons. But rather than a self pitying, depressing post I thought I'd look on the bright side...

so here we are. The yin and yang of emotional stress..
things to be grateful for.

I have little money - but the money I do have is under my control

I have debts - but it's manageable and not causing me a problem

I'm up to my eyeballs in work - but it means I have a job and I enjoy it

My girls are really stressing me out of late - but they're healthy, happy and loved

My exhusband is STILL treating me like shit - but I'll soon have a decree absolute lol

My house is a shittip - but I have my own house to actually have mess in

My car needs repairs doing to it - but it gets me from A to B and is my biggest asset

My heart has been broken more times than I care to think about - but at least I have known what it is to love someone so much it hurts

Most men I have known have been bastards at least part of the time - but my boyfriend loves me and shows it

I don't have many close friends - but the ones I have MORE than make up for it

I don't get chance to play bass as much as I would like - but at least I have a talent

I'm overemotional most of the time - but at least I'm brave enough to show emotion

and most of all...

My life has been very very hard - but I've still come out the other side to tell the tale smiling.


It's just sometimes we forget.

Metrosexual is in now... along with smoking?

An article in today’s Daily Mail (I know I know, I can hear to booing and hissing from here…) has sparked great debate on a forum I frequent. Now, normally I’d just add my own little witty retort to the mix and be done with it, but this article in particular is linked to something I feel very strongly about.

Smoking.

My hatred of smoking is pretty well known by those who’ve known me longer than 5 minutes. I hate it. It makes me feel sick to be around it, I hate the smell, and I get close to wanting to kick the living crap out of anyone who blows smoke at me or my girls or we‘re forced to breathe it in because they‘re too god damn selfish to realise the concept of personal breathing space.

For the record, I have never actually tried smoking. I‘ve never wanted to as I have hated it for as long as I can remember. But this isn’t a hatred without reason, I spent 16 years of my life surrounded by it constantly with my mum and dad both being very heavy smokers. I was constantly ill, have a cough myself like I smoked 40 a day, I was bullied for the smell of it on me and constantly told my parents were going to die because of it.

Well.. They were right. My mum died from lung cancer in 2005. After 40 odd years of addiction. I watched her slowly die from something that she had no control over. It was awful and I’m beyond understanding as to why ANYONE would willingly smoke. You know it’s bad for you, you know one day it will eventually kill you and you will leave behind a huge great gaping hole in the lives of the people you left behind that will never, ever heal.

Ok, so admittedly I’m a bit militant about it because of my mum dying. But yet, my boyfriend is a smoker. I dated a smoker for 18 months when I was 14/15. I hated it. It was disgusting, mainly because he was one of these ‘I don’t care what you think I’m going to do what I like how and when I like’ types, that and being a complete and utter cock, but I digress. I always said from that day on I wouldn’t date another smoker. And I didn’t. Up until May this year that is. Pretty much 10 years of being a good girl and sticking to my smoke-free guns.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not the lie down and take it type (There is a joke, but no, I won’t do it :D), and my boyfriend is fully aware of how much I hate it. Thankfully, he’s the courteous type. He won’t force me or the girls to be around it and knows that if he did we’d be over faster than a man who suffers from premature ejaculation in the Ann Summers bondage section. As much as I hate it and am pretty vocal about it, I can’t and wouldn’t ask him to stop. Simply because it’s not my choice. If he wants to slowly commit suicide that’s his choice as much as it upsets me to think he could end up like my mum… (ooh there I go being all militant again!). I’m not the type of person to force ultimatums on people, “I hate smoking, quit or we’re through”. I just couldn’t do that. As much as I think smokers are selfish for not considering the effects on others, I’m not selfish enough to ask someone to change the way they are to be with me. If they’re special enough, then I just put up and shut up. Ok, less so of the shut up part..

I suppose the sad fact is that as non smokers we kind of HAVE to ‘put up and shut up’. Mainly because it’s not our choice and we have no real say in what smokers do. When the smoking ban was brought out a few years back, non smokers rejoiced in the fact we’d now be able to enjoy a night out or a meal without stinking like an ashtray the next morning and waking up with that god awful smell in our hair. But now we have another problem. People still smoke, and they do it in groups where they CAN smoke. i.e. outside of entrances and in beer gardens, and speaking as a non smoker who has a lot of friends who smoke, unless you’re going to be Little Miss Social Outcast and stay indoors while all of your friends are outside lighting up then again, you have no choice. It’s a catch 22, so even with the smoking ban, we STILL get to wake up stinking, kiss guys who taste like ashtrays and put up with the wonder that is 2nd hand smoke.

But this is where I come to my original point… the article which has caused so much debate on a forum I frequent.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-566351/The-electric-cigarette-gives-nicotine-hit-gets-round-smoking-ban.html

Electronic cigarettes, smoke free, and carcinogen/health effect free (subject to further testing obviously). You simply charge them up and off you go. Pure nicotine without any of the nasties, and a realistic look and ‘smoke’ effect for the Malboro Gestapo. So now us non smokers can rejoice in having to inhale nothing other than steam produced from vapourised liquid nitrogen.. Huzzah!

I have a small problem with this however. It’s glamourising smoking by portraying itself as a fashion accessory. It’s being sold as a ‘fashionable way to get around the smoking ban for all you hip young cool cats’. Fantastic. So instead of having ‘proper’ hardcore smokers with all their ‘RAWR! WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BREATHE IN CARCINOGENIC POISONOUS AIR AND MAKE EVERYONE BREATHE OUR 2ND HAND SMOKE AND YOU CAN’T STOP US! RAWR!’, we’ll have a bunch of metrosexuals and wannabe fashionistas flouncing about with the next generation of fashionable gadgetry. In my personal opinion, NOTHING looks more common than smoking, and nothing looks more tacky than someone smoking thinking they look ‘cool’. But I digress…

So then what happens… “I’ve forgotten to charge my cigarettes, but hang on, I’m addicted to the nicotine.. Oh god oh god oh god” *goes out and buys normal cigarettes, aforementioned catch 22 resumes, person dies an untimely death a few decades later*

I personally think they’re marketing this all wrong. These could be used as a really successful quit smoking aid, and personally, I think they’re going to end up doing more harm than good. They should be trying to help people quit altogether, not glamourise it and make it ‘cool’ again. How long would it be until they find out that these are harmful, and people start dropping dead from their internal organs being frozen by the liquid nitrogen vapour they THOUGHT was steam?

“Would you like an Icepop Johnny? Sure! Here, have my lung on a stick…”

fan-fucking-tastic.

"We hold these truths to be self evident..

...that all men are created equal.."

Uh, no. Sorry Mr Jefferson. While you may have been well intentioned when you decided to include that little ditty in the Declaration of Independence. You are, in fact, wrong. I'm making the general assumption here that by referring to 'men', he was in fact referring to man as in the human race, rather than men. For all we know Mr Jefferson could've been a sexist bigot, but hey, who are we to judge colonial America.. I'm sure they MEANT well when they stole all the Native Americans' land for their own and burned thousands of women in the Salem Witch Trials.. but hey... let's not digress.

My point is simple. We are not equal. Whilst we may all share the same basic genetic structure and we are all of course the same species (although even that is debatable considering SOME of the 'specimens' of the human race I've had the misfortune of knowing..) we are in no way equal. All people are humans. That is where the similarity stops. While the media may enjoy force feeding us the whole crock of crap that is women are now equal to men and all that bullshit, the realism of it is in fact, rubbish. Women still earn less on average than their male counterparts, and men still see women as the 'good little wifeys' as characterised by the 1950's etc. Women cook, women clean, we pop out the next generation of their super egotiscial empire, but we can't be smarter, or more successful, or wealthier, or happier, or more talented, etc etc etc, than men.

But it doesn't end there. Sex, religion, race, age, intelligence, personality, humour, dress sense, complete and utter mental retardation.. we are not equal.

A little exercise for you, simply to prove my point.

Think of someone you know. Now, name 5 things that they share the exact same characteristic as you. For example, income, job, family circumstances, intelligence, qualifications.. just to give you some ideas. Can you? No. Exactly.

Fundamentally to all be equal, we would all have to be the same. We're not, and we never will be, and therefore we will never be equal.

Ok, so admittedly maybe this is a small rant, and the trigger of this rant was something that happened to me the other day. I was basically the victim of ageism/sexism at work. I saw a client, and was basically told that I couldn't know anything because I was young, and therefore he didn't believe me. Fair enough. I also picked up on him feeling threatened by the fact a (young) woman knew more than him.

Now, I'm not petty. But I have to admit, that if I ever come across anything like this, it's always men feeling inferior or threatened. Maybe our old traditions from past generations are struggling to be killed off, who knows, but it sucks to be on the receiving end of it.

I think it's just a male ego thing.

And yes, I am being slightly (if tongue in cheek) sexist here. Where men and women are concerned we are definitely not equals. I doubt sometimes we are even the same species. The men are from Mars women are from Venus stuff? Bullcrap. That would mean that mean have some kind of similar link, if on a very rudimentary level. Martians and Venusians (I have NO idea if that's what we would be called..) would mean that we are both species of alien. And therefore would be linked, in the being an alien aspect.

I seriously doubt we are that closely linked. I believe that it is more something like... women are oxygen (Essential for all of life, provider of sustenance and energy, and also potential of great destruction if combined with the right elements.) and men are like..... toenail clippings. ie useless and hurt if you come across them on accident. THAT is more like how Men and Women are related. ie WE'RE NOT. Men are just an entity unto themselves (Pretty sure they say the same about us too.. but we know the truth... they don't. The 'tards.). They're a weird breed. Painfully simple, and yet impossible to figure out. Like... painting by numbers, but you have to mix all the colours yourself, you're missing the colours black and white, and your paintbrush is, infact, a chicken nugget.

I've given up trying to understand them. As soon as I think I've figured them out, they change. Like if you finally figure out how to play basketball, but then the court changes to an ice hockey rink. It's impossible.

So ladies, I have one piece of advice for you.

Accept the fact that we'll never understand how they work, but also gloat in the knowledge that we will always, always, be the superior race. ;)

Past experience is not always a good thing.

Just when I thought I'd gotten over my irational fear of being in relationships, I have an "Eeeeeeeeeek!" moment. No reason, no rationalisation, just a fleeting feeling of 'Oh my god I'm in deep and that's scary!'. I should clarify that this is in no way because of him. I love my boyfriend. More than even I probably think about. It's taken a fair while to get to here, as he knows. Not because of him, he's wonderful and one of the few men I've met who is just himself and doesn't put on this false facade to try and attract women. The real reason is because of my past, well, 'experiences' with men. These admittedly have been mostly within the past year, and I basically became afraid of falling in love. To me Love = Pain, hurt, heartache, tears... and so I shut off. I didn't trust any man, didn't believe their intentions, their motives, I didn't actually think that any man can be worthy of putting my heart on the line again.

And then I got closer to my now-boyfriend. We'd been friends for ages. A good 1 1/2 - 2 years before we got together. He's had a thing for me for a fair while before we did eventually get together. He wasn't exactly subtle thinking about it, even if he meant to be, but at it actually took him telling me to realise it, at which point I was going through a whole load of shit with someone else and couldn't really take it in properly. That shit took me a long long time to get over. Or should I say it took me a long time to get over him and what happened, and because of that I wasn't myself for a long time. Earlier in the year he (my now boyfriend) and I actually fell out because of all the shit that was going on. So I had a spell of about 2-3 months where I had very little contact from either the guy who caused me the heartache, and my now-boyfriend. In this couple of months I sorted myself out. And then when I started talking to my now-boyfriend and we got closer and eventually started dating. However, I was still scarred by the previous events which left me really hesitant to take the chance again.

But, I gave it a shot, and here I am. :) Happily in love with my boyfriend, and bar a couple of clashes of stubborness (we're faaar too similar in that.. lol) things have been great. We've now been together nearly 5 months, and for the first time in a loooong time I'm feeling much better about myself and less blinded by fear of the whole 'L' word.

The odd thing being that today I had a fleeting 'eeeeeeeeek' moment. Out of the blue. For no real reason other than I think I scared myself with how much I've let go of the whole fear thing. The fear was my safety blanket. The fear was going to stop me getting hurt and heartbroken again. But now I'm relinquished that, I'm running on blind faith in him not breaking my heart, which is a scary concept for me. I feel out of sorts when I can't control situations. Ok, that sounds bad, I mean control as in it's my responsibility for my own happiness and security, and to essentially hand that over to someone else is rather daunting.

And yes, I'm fully aware that I overanalyse things. It's just how I am. I think too much. This is more just a general musing about how much I've changed emotionally in the past 5 months. I'm only blogging about it because I've finally realised that I've crossed a huuuuge step for me. I've let myself fall in love again and put my heart on the line. THAT'S whats scary. I'm back to the old me of taking chances and 'feeling' again, instead of shutting off my heart to the world. And finally back to the thinking of even if it does go wrong and I get heartbroken, all of this will have still been worth it, because right now I'm feeling great, very much in love and very, very happy. :)

What a difference a day/month/year makes..

Wow, it's beena fair while since I last blogged. But there's been so much change. I suppose part of me not blogging has simply because things have been so busy and I've had my mind so focused on other things.

The main thing of course being the car/money situation. Well I'm happy to report now that I have my car! :D After 4 long months of heartache and saving I finally have a car. I have to admit that possibly about 70% of it was thanks to help from my dad, and I'll remain ever grateful to him for everything that he's done since my ex screwed me over back in May. But now I have my car. I've had it exactly a week today. :) And in that week I've possibly driven nearly 250 miles and used nearly a whole tank of petrol enjoying my new found freedom lol. I've been to see friends, I've done proper food shopping at tesco instead of being ripped off by my local village store, I've done things with the girls.. it's been such a lifeline I can't even begin to describe it. Finally I can do things of my terms and it will eventually (I hope) open up new prospects for employment and just generally lead me to a more successful life.

As cheesy as that sounds, you don't realise how much you need a car until A) you lose it and B) you get it back again! :)

Money wise the situation is going to have a few iffy patches coming up. Obviously adjusting to having the additional running costs of car ownership, plus my ex has decided to cut my child maintenance. I won't go into that on here. You never know who is reading but it's going to make things potentially very difficult for me for the interim. The joys of the benefits system and no doubt I'll end up with another overpayment and blah blah blah yadda yadda. Just wish things could be agreed and then stuck to. Save messing me and the girls around. *sigh* But of course I have no control over it... but aaaaaaaaaanyway, I digress.

Job wise I'm still doing the same as I was, it's getting a lot of work now. and it's difficult juggling general advice and debt casework but I'm slowly getting used to accepting that sometimes you can't do everything at once and it's helping me start prioritising and reorganising myself.

Along with work I've now starting my Open University Social Sciences course, the first essay of which is du the 3rd Nov :eek: but I'm currently a couple of weeks ahead with that :) Tis interesting so far but not really linked to economics etc at the mo but it's all good and will link in eventually :)

The girls are well, Ashli is LOVING school, she can't wait to go each day, and KK is happy as a clam. Individually theya re wonderful angels capable of no evil.. but when they're togeeeeeeether... :\ lol

So although my current life is non stop, chaotic, busy and generally stressful, I still wouldn't change a thing. It may not be perfect, but where's the fun in perfection? It's the little oddities and the things that crop up which inevitably make us remember what's so great about the good things that happen. It enhances our appreciation for when things go well.

Funny old world we live in.. this time last year I'd split up with my husband and started becoming properly involved with my ex best friend ie 'theguyIwaswithbutwasn'twithbutwasbutonlyonhistermsbutwasiwithhimornot' guy. I still haven't blogged on that properly.. but I'm getting to the point where I don't think about it anymore. I'm sad I lost the friendship, as he now won't speak to me at all. I'd like to think that he'd like to be adult about it and at least talk to me, rather than doing the current thing of pretending I don't exist... but ho hum. Whatever helps him sleep at night. I'm not losing sleep over it. The live I have now is better than anything I had this time last year, all bar a few ups and downs. I have wonderful children, wonderful friends, a truly wonderful boyfriend who means the world to me (AND who hasn't broken my heart or treated me like shit, but there's still time on that one! lol /end cyniscism) and generally life is good.

Now... if I could just get a full time job, and more financial security I'd be laughing.

You hear me karma? Hello?...... helloooooooooooooo?? ....

God damn it.

My own worst enemy

I certainly didn't gain the Emotard title for nothing. I have no idea what's wrong with me tonight but I'm all over the place so I have taken a step back from civilised society and just sat and moped. Hence the blog title. I guess I'm just having one of those overthinking nights. I'm worried about my health issues... I'm not sure if I've gone into detail on here considering the personal nature, but to cut a long story short I'm now awaiting an appointment with a specialist to try and figure out what's going on. The more I wait, the more my mind goes AWOL and the more I worry. I'm lying awake at night thinking all sorts, I'm panicking at any kind of 'symptoms'. I have crossed the line into full blown hypochondria. It's ridiculous and I know it's irrational. But all I can think is, what if?

Admittedly, this is a very bad time of year for this to be happening. VERY bad. On the 14th September it's the anniversary of my mum's death. 4 years to the day. Not that the 4 years makes it easier. Tonight for example I just sat and cried for a while about it. Thinking about how much I missed her and how much I wish she was around at times like this. She died of lung cancer, and my grandad had cancer, although he survived. So the family history isn't helping the paranoias and hypochondria. Also when I saw the doctor last week she mentioned about something to do with a family history of strokes, and a possible inherent blood clotting problem? Which of course could mean anything. Frankly I've no idea anymore. I'm sick of worrying and getting upset about it. My head is blowing everything out of proportion. I'm fully aware of that. But I can't help it. It's not me I'm worried about really. It's the girls. The worry has sparked off thoughts of 'what if... what would happen to them' and of course it escalates from there. Thoughts of not seeing them grow up etc, I suppose perfectly natural for a parent and not exactly something I've not thought about before. I think every parent has. Being a parent makes you very aware of your own mortality.

I need to get a grip. I need to get a grip and stop stressing about things I can't control and overthinking. Yes, I've got a problem. It could be something, it could be nothing. All I can do is wait, and concentrate on getting past the anniversary of my mum's death without breaking down too much.

Time is a healer, but sometimes it hurts just as bad.

it's oh so quiet... do do do doooo...

... do do do dooo.. do do do doooo dooo dooo.. ssssssssssssssh...


This morning is one of those mornings that are milestones in the whole journey of parenthood. This morning I sent my first born to school for the first time. Ash of course took it in her stride, I don't think I've ever SEEN a child so excited. This morning my alarm went off and I was greeted by a rumbling thunder of stampeding hooves running into my room...

"MUMMY!!! IT'S TIME FOR BIG SCHOOL!!!!! GET DRESSED FOR BIG SCHOOOL MUMMMMMMMMMMYYYY GET UUUUUUUUUUP!!!"

So through bleary eyes I lay in bed and watched her get herself dressed, then brush her teeth, without me having to help once. It was almost like being in a time warp, all I can remember is when I used to be able to cradle her in one arm and she was completely and utterly helpless. Now she was getting herself ready to go to school for the first time.

My god I feel old. lol!

I met up with one of my LBF's Fee who's daughter is in the year above. Ash and Tiff got on like a house on fire and as soon as we got into the school gates they ran off and started playing. Of course KK wanted to join in, and she got quite upset when the whistle went and all the children lined up and went in, as she wanted to go too, bless her.

So now we're home after a quick trip to the shops. It's so quiet it's unbelievable. If anything it's making me realise how much harder it is having 2 compared to 1. It's far more than double the work. KK is quite happily entertaining herself, occasionally asking after Ash and wanting to get her from school. It's quite sweet and it's obvious she misses her. Even though they sometimes fight like cat and dog they love each other really. I think it's just a sister thing to pretend they hate each other sometimes. lol

So here we are. A new era I suppose, officially a school run mum, quieter days and finally able to be able to go back to work once I get a car and find a job.

Still strange though... it's not quite the same without the same chaos that 2 children bring...

Saving Suckiness

Saving for something sucks. Big time.

I'm doing really well with my car savings. But at the moment I'm in that crappy position of 'so close but yet so far'. I currently have £820.07 plus £92.52 to come from work expenses. I should've had the cheque by now but still haven't... very frustrating but hopefully I'll get it tomorrow. Fingers crossed anyway. That'll mean I have £910ish. Woo! I've been looking at a lot of KAs for sale locally and on ebay and am definitely set on getting one. Theoretically I could get one with the money I have. I've seen quite a few. But if I can hold out a bit longer and get to £1500 then I'd be able to be a bit pickier and get something that isn't ancient with tonnes of miles on it. It's just a question of patience and putting up with being skint and unable to really go anywhere except work at the moment.

Today some more things have gone into the paper, so fingers crossed they sell. I haven't heard anything yet. But there's still time. Still hoping for that lottery win too.. fat chance of that though lol. Have also been doing some things to cut down my monthly expenditure. Have switched my gas and electric, saving approx £6 a month, and gone through quidco for £62 cashback. Have also written to Orange complaining, as they agreed to drop my tariff back in April when I renewed and it STILL hasn't been swapped, so I've complained asking for them to correct it and reduce the tariff to £15 from £30 plus give me a refund of the extra charges since april.. so that'll be a nice little amount if I win. Fingers crossed! I just need to look into my phone/broadband now and see if I can find anyone cheaper. Have also cut my spending budget in half for the time being. I'm rarely going out. If I buy anything it's for the girls or housekeeping stuff. I'm just not spending any money on myself at the moment as I can't justify it as the need for a car is greater. So at the moment I'm just going without and the money saved is going towards a car basically.

Obviously not having as much of a life at the moment... haven't been out for lunches/dates with my boyfriend in ages, although he has also been ill. But I suppose one of the big factors is that as much as I want to, it just comes down to me feel guilty at not being able to contribute to the cost. I'm very stubborn and want to support myself, so sometimes I'm very begrudging in letting others pay for things. I'm sure Ian will back me up on that. I have a real problem with wanting to be sefl sufficient and if I can't be or can't pay my share of something it really knocks my self esteem. But at the mo I've got no choice which I suppose is one of the reasons I've not been suggesting going out etc to Ian and Cel or other friends. If I've gone out with friends I've barely spent anything unless it was necessary. The last money I spent going out was £1.05 for a whole weekend and that was for a donation to the hospice in which my mum was cared for when she was dying. Although not an essential expense, one i felt was justified. But even then I felt guilty when friends were buying me water or something. It's quite sad really. Hell, I've even stopped buying breakfast on the way to work simply to save the £3.38. I think the last time I spent proper money was on a cinema trip with my best friend Cel. Even then I felt bad for spending the money but it was very much worth it for a bit of an escape from frugalness. Plus it was a great movie.. lol

It does get to a point where I think it's quite sad. That I've been resorted to basically giving up having money, simply to be able to get something I need. It does get me down a little bit I'll be honest. Having to scrimp and save so much in the vain hope that it'll allow me to get out of this rut and get back into a normal life and off benefits. It's very demoralising. But for the moment I'm doing well with my saving and putting aside literally every spare penny. Hopefully it'll be worth it in the end and I'll be able to get back on track and start living again without having to think whether it'll cost me money I can't afford...

Oh well. Let's just hope it all pays off.

I often wonder though, when I do have the money and am able to get a car... will I find it hard to actually hand over the savings which I've scrimped and saved and sacrificed everything to be able to attain?

Guess only time will tell on that one.

*phew* what a weekend.

This is possibly going to sound really harsh, but I love my weekends without the girls. I equally love my weekends WITH the girls for different reasons don't get me wrong... but it's nice to have 'me' time and recharge the batteries.

Hmm.. maybe recharge the batteries is a bad choice of phrase.. as I'm usually out on friday and saturday nights til late enjoying time with my friends, and recently because I've been so skint and saving every penny for a car I have had to take my dad's car back to him early in the morning.. so no lie ins either. But it's all good. In total this weekend I have spent £1.59. lol The benefits of driving and not drinking :D No hangover.... physically OR financially. lol

Financially I'm all good. After my minor (ok major) moan the other day I actually realised that my child support had gone in late, so all was well in the end and I managed to save some extra money towards my car fund. I also managed to adjust my budget to save some MORE spare cash. Tonight I have my ebay winner collecting my old bass guitar for another £50.. one of my friends Fee has bought a full tin of paint off me for £10, so that's gone in the car fund..

So at the moment it currently stands at...
*drumroll*

£530.34 in the bank
£10 from Fee
£50 from my bass buyer
£92.52 CAB expenses which I should get the cheque for in the coming week.
= £682.86

Woohoo :D

Today I also put 6 items on to go in this weeks local paper ater having a massive sort out of the girls' room, so that should be about another £60 if they all sell. My dad has also promised to give me another £100 on wednesday, but I don't hold my breath with any of his promises, so it's always a bonus if he does come good :)

Planning on also having a big sort out of my room, and also my store room. I can almost guarantee there will be sellable things in the store room. It's piled high with crap that I just have nowhere else to store them.

Also yesterday I opened a savings account and set up a Direct debit to put £10 a week in it. Almost a forced savings plan :D It's higher interest and not directly linked to my current account so will be much better to prevent me frittering money away. :D

All in all a very successful weekened.. full of fun but still making actual progress with the car fund too.

It's nice to have a target to work towards... I'm going to be sooooooo thrilled when I finally get there after all this hard work. It's been tough but it's slowly but surely paying off :D

Good times :)

Who'd want an easy life...

ME that's who.

Ok.. I will warn you this may turn into another self indulgent rant, in which case I whole heartily apologise. But I'm fairly sure that my friends and loved ones are sick to death of hearing about it.. so I thought I'd rant on here instead. Sorted.

As is well documented, I'm currently in a shite situation with regard to money. If I'm honest I'm just scraping by at the minute alright. I can pay my bills, I'm not in arrears with anything, meeting my commitments and generally managing to have an alright life really all things considering. But things are tight. Very tight. Mainly, admittedly, because I am trying my damned hardest to save every spare penny towards a car. Ok, ok... so this hardship is possibly fairly majorly self induced. At the moment, literally EVERY spare penny is going towards my car fund. This has meant I've sacrificed pretty much all of my spending money other than essentials and very very veeery occasion small treats... like my usual Mcdonalds breakfast before work. But even that is going to have to go now for reasons I'll explain in a bit.

But... I'm happy to say it's slowly but surely paying off. Car savings currently stand at..

£360.58 in the bank
£51.01 to come from an ebay sale (end of the week hopefully)
£92.52 work expenses (should get the cheque in the next week)
£46.58 transferring over from paypal as we speak, should clear by end of the week..
= £550.69

:D

But... I have a small problem. My previous budgets that I'd worked out to be able to save as much as I have over the past couple of weeks have not included one minor detail. The fact that I have the majority of my household bills going on at the beginning on September. *sigh*

If I can get past this coming week I'll be ok. Just about anyway. I just need to get to next friday. God this sucks. I have approximately £120 worth of bills going out before then. And guess how much income I have.. £150. Joy. So I have to go... *counts* 10 days, on £30. That's £3 a day. ooooooooooh fun! Considering I can easily spent £30 on a night out... and half that on ONE trip to the cinema... I'm going to be spending bugger all on anything for me. Food and the girls come first and it's tight as it is so it's going to have to be a case of I go without. Simple as.

Until next tuesday I actually don't have any spare money at all. I'm actually about 40p in debt to my savings at the moment because I had to but some essential food earlier. So I'm fairly screwed in that sense if anything comes up.


*Sar listens to the faint murmuring in the background...*

Yea. I know. I know exactly what you're thinking.

"Why the hell doesn't she use her savings?"

Well... simple (although maybe illogical) reason really. I don't want to. I have worked my ass off scrimping and saving to get the money that I have saved. It's been really, really really hard and to have as much as I do has been a massive achievement for me personally. I know it's not much by anyone's standards but it's a lot to me. Having nothing makes you value what you do have even more. If I use my savings now, it'll easily be frittered away, with a 'promise' to replace it....

I don't want that. I NEED a car. It's the only way I'm going to be able to drive (pun unintended) myself forward and get out of this rut. To give in now and use my savings will just put me further back. And god knows it's been difficult enough as it is. I'm not giving in now. Not now I've finally started making some headway.

Please don't get me wrong. If I need to, I will. But, if I can manage on what I have for the time being til things get better then that's what I'm going to do. I'm not giving up when I've come this far.

It's been really difficult up to now. So what's a little bit longer?

The Birth Stories of my girls.

When both my girls were born I posted 'Birth Stories' on a website called Babyworld.co.uk which I used at the time... I found them today.. and thought I would blog them :)

Ashli

"Little one's EDD was 7th March 2005, of course it came and went, and little one decided to be a fashionably late, 10 days over. We went in at 8.30am on Thursday 17th March (St patricks day of all days..) to be induced at Stafford General Hospital. We were checked over on arrival and a trace done of Ashli which showed everything was fine. I'd been having period type pains all morning and hadn't thought anything of them and just put them down to eating something bad, but the trace showed that it looked like they were early labour contractions so I was given an internal to see what was happening. Turned out that I was already 2-3cms dilated which amazed me as I'd only been feeling the pains since I woke up that morning! So anyway, they decided I didn't need the pitocin gel to start things off as they'd already started, and so opted to break my waters instead.

I was taken down to delivery suite and they were broken in quite spectacular fashion at 1.10 pm. Let's just say that a tidal wave had nothing on me and even the midwife had to dodge the torrent of water that came out..lol. If I remember right she described it as 'fishing boots time' lol. I was suprised how much there was and that it didn't seem to want to stop!
I was monitored for the rest of the afternoon til 5, by which point the contractions were getting quite bad but weren't regular, so I was having gas and air which made me temporarily insane and laugh for about 15 mins straight. (at the end me and Steve were both sat on the bed with tears streaming down our faces it was that funny..).

At 5ish I had another internal to check things and I was only 'a good 3 cms' dilated, so it was decided that they'd hook me up to a oxytocin drips to get things moving properly and having that put it was actually more brutal than the contractions I was feeling! Apparently I have 'bendy' veins??

The pain was getting bad and things were starting to get worse very quickly so I asked for an epidural only to be told I couldn't have one for another hours or so due to staffing so I had to have some pethidine, which didn't do much apart from make me a zombie inbetween. When the epidural finally arrived I was in so much agony I just wanted it to be all over. I think I had the epidural about 9/10 oclock. I can't remember that well as my mind was pretty blurred from the pain and I don't remember much from about 7 oclock because things were happening so quickly.

TO cut a long story short my labour was recorded as being 4 and a bit hours with Ashli being born after 26 mins of pushing at 23.51. I had gas and air, pethidine and an epidural, all of which did bugger all when things starting progressing because it was all happening so quickly. I didn't tear (amazingly as her head was 37cms! and she was 8lbs 4!) but I did have one stitch for a 'nick' in the vaginal wall. I bled quite a lot and had to have an extra injection to stop the bleeding, but everythings fine now.

The labour was horrific and I've never know so much pain. I turned into something out of the evil dead, screaming and shouting, saying I couldn't so it and I wanted to go home (What exactly was I going to do when I got there???) but in the end it's all worth it. Feeling Ashli come out was a bizarre experience but I'd go through it all again because she's just so perfect.


Next time I'll just make sure I ask for the damn epidural as soon as I get there.

It sounds cheesy but I really couldn't have done it without Steve. I literally had no control because of the pain and without him I probably wouldn't have handled it as well. He was my rock and the only one I could rely on. His support played a huge part in it and I'm so glad he was there. I don't know what I would've done without him. "




Kaitlyn -

"On Sunday 28th January I was woken at 5 am by regular strong braxton hicks. I'd also been having them every 10 mins the evening before so was convinced 'this was it'. Imagine my disappointment when at 7am they all stopped completely!!! Monday morning (29th jan) I was woken at 5am with exactly the same thing, except this time accompanied by strong period pains. They gradually went to 10 mins apart and we were so convinced it was proper labour Steve stayed off work and we called MIL and SIL to put them on red alert.
9am came..and they stopped again! Argh! Called my midwife who told me to go for a walk to see if they'd start again and that she'd come see me later to check out if anything was happening.
Got back from my walk at 10.50 to find the contractions had returned and were 20 mins apart. When the midwife showed up at 12ish they were 10 mins apart and she said to go for another walk and call the hospital if they carried on every 10 mins.
So we slapped on my tens machine, took 2 paracetamol and went down the village to get some lunch and when we got back at 2.45 the contractions were 6 mins apart, and with every one they were coming closer and closer until we called the hospital at 3 and they were 3 mins apart. They said to go in if I felt I needed more pain relief and I'm glad we did! SIL arrived at 3.25 to take us to hospital and the contractions were 2 mins apart. Got to the hospital at 4 and was booked in and checked out and everything was fine.
Was examined around 5.20 and found to be 7cm dilated so they broke my waters and I started gas and air as it was too late for anything else.From then on everything happened very quickly and they contractions were soon back to back and I felt an incredibly pressure and urge to push. At this point I was trembling terribly and sobbing uncontrolably as our wedding first dance song came on the cd player and I was inconsolable sayign I couldn't do it/screaming etc etc as the pain was unbearable as I was only on gas and air.
Kaitlyn was born at 6.02 after 20 mins of pushing (official labour time was 2 3/4 hours.) weighing 8lb 2 and 52cm long using just gas and air. No stitches and no problems and she had 2 good breastfeeds soon after so we were allowed to go home at 8.45. Kaitlyn's beautiful and I think I'm still in shock from the sheer speed of everything and I couldn't have done it without Steve, he really was my rock and I wouldn't have made it through sane without him.
Feeling exhausted but glad it's over and we've finally got our baby Kaitlyn! We won't be doing that again in a hurry though! Feeling very sore but very very happy.

Here's a pic, should be interesting introducing her to big sister Ashli tomorrow who is currently in bed none the wiser to the new arrival!!!"



[Funny how things work out.... oh well.. marriages come and go, but kids are forever! - Sar]

Much weirdness

Tonight is a new moon, so I did some 'new moon prayers'. Although I previously blogged about my beliefs and me being wiccan/pagan, I don't think I've even actually mentioned anything about my rituals. I could be wrong, my head's a bit mong at the mo for some reason. I often get weird feelings and things during rituals. It's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't actually felt it or thinks it's all a pile of new agey crap. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is 'zoning out'. I go into a bit of a blur, can't focus on sounds or images, I just kind of, it sounds crazy but, go into myself and it's not like I'm in my body anymore, like I'm floating just outside it. That's the best way I can describe it. When I get like that I tend to see, hear or feel things. Sometimes they're obvious sometimes they're not.

Tonight was no exception, although for some reason tonight was stranger than usual. I did my usual prayers and incantations, but then my chest went tight and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I carried on, but I went really really spaced out very quickly. Usually at this point I would see/hear and feel things and it usually takes a little while to get to that point, but this time was literally 10 mins i that. Then I saw a motorcycle. Just a random image that flashed up. But then nothing. I felt weird and I can't pinpoint how it felt or why, but I had a deep down feeling of something being different. Like something changed or was about to change but I have no idea what. Then I said aloud ''Is there anything you want me to see?'' and a horseshoe flashed up. I've seen a horseshoe before, the last time being on the 30th April according to my ritual book. Oddly enough, I just checked and the 30th April was also a thursday. I'd seen a fair few other things that ritual. Including hearing something that I've yet to figure out yet. "A tree grows up from the roots and down from the branches". I just wish I could figure out what it means. I remember at the time googling it and finding something but I can't remember what or whether it was relevant in the end. Will have to have another google I think. Or keep an eye out or anything that might help it make sense.

Anyway, I'm rambling..

I did my prayers asking for an end to my money worries and help to get a car, and for my boyfriend to get better (he's not been well)... and all throughout it felt like I wasn't in myself, it's very weird to explain. I was talking, but it was like I wasn't in my own body like I said earlier, and I felt like I was swaying from side to side even though I wasn't. Was very strange and although I get similar sometimes I don't get it to that degree.

Hmmmm interesting. Now I'm just mulling over everything. I feel fine now. Just tired (fairly standard after prayers) so think I'm going to have an early night. Maybe my dreams will reveal more..

Flashbacks

Wandering round an empty house, we looked over the objects and furniture within. These weren't just bog standard objects or bits of tat. They were memories, they had meanings and sentimentality. These things belonged to someone, so how can you just walk in and take them?

''Oh yes I'll have that table over there, that'll go lovely with my decor..''

Literally weeks earlier that table was being used by it's owner, possibly securely holding up a half full coffee cup, eavesdropping in on the cheerful banter as per normal... years of use and purpose... years of belonging and being taken for granted. Now reverted to just a 'thing' that'll do. It'll suffice... it isn't ugly, so ''Yea, I'll 'av that''.
If that table were alive and capable of emotion, it would be quietly sobbing where it stood. For this heartless new owner... pfft... what do they know. They don't care. They just want to lump their sweaty feet on it and abuse it. A mere 'thing'.. and another factor in the circle of life easily overlooked.

Today I was taken to my dad's ex-wife's house. In the past few weeks she has been taken permanently into a care home. She's lacking mental capability enough to look after herself, and they had no option but to put her into care and rent out her, now empty and unwillingly abandoned house. However renting out the house involved it being rented unfurnished, and with that, clearing out all of her belongings.

So my dad took me along. "you might find something you need for your house!" he said. So begrudgingly I agreed. I never knew her properly. I'd maybe spoken to her once or twice, never in great detail. She was my mum's predecessor. The love my dad had before he met my mum. To me she was like a rival, oddly. She was the 'other woman' in my dad's life. I didn't have any problem with her. I just... found it strange I suppose. I agreed to go as otherwise the stuff would end up in some 'man with a van' house clearance place, and I thought it better that things go to 'family' rather than some two bit white van man. So off we went to pick out anything we might want.

We arrived and I had a shock to see my sister was there, and my niece. Who I haven't seen in god knows how many years. I've never been close to my family. At all. I've always kept myself to myself and seeing as my family are spread as far and wide as Seattle and Germany it's hard to stay in contact. My sister lives in Derby so it made sense for her to be in change of sorting out her mum's belongings. I should explain that I have 3 brothers and a sister. My sister and one of my brothers are from my dad's marriage to his ex wife. My other 2 brothers are from my mum's marriage to her exhusband. Still with me? I'm the only devilspawn of my mum and my dad. But they have other children. So I suppose that would make my siblings half brothers and sisters really, but what's in a name? They may as well be strangers really. I never speak to them.

When I walked in I was really taken aback. My sister looked, just, empty I suppose. My immediate thought is that I must've looked similar when I was doing the same for my mum. And with that thought I started to think about my mum, and how I had been in my sister's shoes just under 4 years ago. Clearing out her mum's belongings and trying to keep yourself together while the rest of your world is falling apart. I mumbled a brief "Y'alright?" before concentrating my efforts on controlling the 3 children we had in tow with us. We wandered around the house. And all I could think about is the things this house and all these possessions had seen, and just how tragic it all was. Merely weeks ago she was at home, trying to carry on with life as best as she could with her failing health and mental state.
I walked around the house in a kind of blur. It was almost like walking through a memorial. Bed sheets untouched as they'd been she she left, half drunk bottles of wine on the side, DVD's by the tv lazily not returned to their boxes... it was almost as if she'd just popped out to the shops. Nothing apart from the gloomy atmosphere between the adults in the house suggested that this wasn't someones home anymore, and that she'd never be coming back.

It was far too easy to put myself back 4 years. Doing exactly the same walking round my mum's house. Picking up objects with tears in my eyes remembering fragments of memories and bleary flashbacks to happier times. It's just so heartless and cruel, to pick up an object and decide whether it's worthy of surviving the cull. I could've taken everything from my mum's. But I'd never have had the room. So having to go through wave after wave of memory and decide what to take and what to clear out was agonising. All the time you're having to deal with the grief of your loss, and the memories making everything a million times harder, as well as the guilt of having to get rid of things that you know your mum cherished and took pride in, and built the foundations for her life on. And there you were, just chucking them into a bin bag because they didn't fit the 'suitability criteria'...

When I left my dad's ex-wife's house I couldn't even look at my sister. Or anyone for that matter. I just felt numb. I just kept seeing my mum, and the empty shell of a house that I left after I'd had to clear out her house.

The circle of life is a bitch. A cruel, heartless, unmerciful bitch.